I don’t know exactly how to start this introduction, so I’ll jump right into it! I go by IffyBiffy for two reasons: 1) A big part of the Username was a nickname my Mimi used to call me 2) and I’m almost always Iffy about something! I’m totally up for sharing about my problems with anxiety and the constant fight to keep my dark clouds away! Don’t be afraid to reach out to talk about either! 🙂
The other day my older brother and I were on the phone talking about issues we were having at our workplaces. The both of us are well liked and responsible and this is mainly because we do what has to be done but we will kiss butt if we need to. The thing is, we both admitted to wishing our personalities were more like our dads because he just didn’t give a fork. Sure, dad could be caring and funny because he was actually a people-person but he still maintained a heavy “idgaf” mentality. I really couldn’t tell you if he developed this personality or if he’s always had it because I keep hearing that he rarely gave a crap when he was younger but he could have developed it after he was kidnapped and almost killed, resulting in him realizing how unforgivably short life is. Or maybe it’s both. Either way, you get my point. Er, our point. The both of us want to become the type of person our father was because life would be so much easier. People wouldn’t influence us as much they do right now and we could start making more of our own decisions. I’m proud of my older brother because he is definitely more on his way than I am but I know I will get there.
The thing is, there are times where I feel that I am being more challenged than him. I don’t know if it’s because I’m younger and maybe he had the same issues at my age or what, but I’m feeling so frustrated at times. Maybe it’s because the people in the city I live in are just so nuts. Sometimes I wonder if I come off as angry more so than confident in my decisions. An example would be of yesterday when a guest was scouting out our closed off pool area. I watched him until he walked up to the side and started pulling a chair up to take and I rushed outside, angry that he was thinking this was okay, and yelled, “Can I help you?” The man looked up all startled and I told myself I could have come across a little less angry but at the same time, what else should I have done? If i just walked out and asked in a not so serious tone, he could have just continued taking the chair and ran off because he was in a faster situation than I was. I feel like I’m in a precarious situation where I need to draw the line between confident and angry. There are times when I can yell, but I need to be professional at work. I can be confident and get the job done the same way. Sometimes, I wonder if I have anger issues or if maybe I just never used my anger enough to draw my line.
Now, speaking of my older brother, I also have a twin brother who is 1 minute older than me. He has definitely mastered the “idgaf” vibe. In fact, he has pretty much turned into dad. He loves his computer, he’s lanky like dad was, he laughs similar to dad (except more high pitched), he likes history on war like dad, etc. I could keep going. It’s so interesting to watch my twins growth and he’s taken an extra step today! I’ll keep this short since this isn’t the topic of my post but everyone cheer because he’s finally getting mental help! He called the doctor today and has another appointment in a few weeks. I can’t wait to watch his progress!
So, the other day I was working the front desk and 3 people came in to check in. The thing is, none of them had a good grasp on English and I don’t have a good grasp on Spanish so we were at an impasse. One of my coworkers, the housekeeping supervisor, is bilingual and wasn’t coming in for another 8 minutes. Still, I tried my best to understand the woman as she knew a little bit of English. She knew enough that I had an idea of maybe what she wanted but not exactly how she wanted to go about it. I wasn’t sure if she had a reservation or if she wanted to make one. She pulled out her phone and called someone who knew a bit more English than she did but I think he didn’t quite understand what was going on to be able to help. 8 minutes later, my wonderful bilingual coworker came in and rescued the situation and we had her and her 2 friends set up in a room within 5 minutes. I have always loved hearing her speak Spanish. Her accent is just so lovely and she has such a chipper personality no matter what language she is speaking.
She’s such a wonderful coworker all around. Anytime our general manager isn’t there to be our backbone, she is always hyping me up. She tells me that I am in control and to let no one run me over because I’m here to protect everyone in the hotel. She looks out for me, as well. One day, we had some really fishy guests that were trying to get one around me but I knew not to let them faze me. Still, I could see her watching the confrontation from the end of the hallway, making sure they wouldn’t try anything irrational (spoiler, they didn’t).
One of the biggest compliments anyone can give a co-worker is this: I’d hang out with you outside of work. And I totally could hang with her, too. I can only wish the best for her!
I’m sure y’all have someone like that at work. Give them a little shout out every once in a while. Or better yet, tell it to their face. I know they’d appreciate hearing it.
The confidence in myself that I have been feeling this past month mirrors the confidence I develop after 3 shots of vodka. All that minus the vomiting and lack of limb control. I’m mentally stable and it’s so crazy to think I didn’t have this power before. What was stopping me from walking into a room and talking to people? What was stopping me from believing I wasn’t beautiful when I know I am. And I don’t give a fork if that makes me sound like I have an ego issue because I don’t. This is normal. Everyone should feel like they are beautiful ( you men out there, you too). I’m only 22 but I’m getting a sense that life is too short to drag your feet. You’re not going to get anywhere unless you (yeah, you. No one else) pick your feet up and start walking.
And, yes, I get that it is so hard to do that. Especially if you’re in such a crap-tastic situation. Hell, I lived in a house full of german cockroaches, fleas, holes, you name it until 3 months ago. I am still living paycheck to paycheck just like I was over 3 months ago but that’s just the next step for me. Over time, you can step your game up and I want to be someone who is here to listen to your story. I know this won’t get seen by too many people because I suck at spreading my blog to the universe but it never hurts to try. And that’s what I want everyone to learn! Your life isn’t going anywhere until you change it. And, sometimes, you just need that pat on the back or that little push from others. Some people just need a reminder that they are doing wonderful just by getting through each day! Think about it. You hate your life, yet you are continuing to make the strides to change it. You haven’t given up and that needs to be celebrated.
So, here’s to all the people who need support right now. I’m here and you’re here. Lets get through this, together. See y’all online.
Warning: This Contains Sexual Content.
Double Warning: I’m watching Lady Bird so if I seem like I’m leaning off topic, I’m just distracted.
Roughly, one month into moving to Georgia I started feeling lonely. Which surprises me because I’m a loner. Always, forever. Regardless, I was desperate for attention and I did what anybody else would do and joined Tinder. Right away, I received the usual creep messages but I stuck it out for a few days and hooked a good guy. Granted, he did start the message off with a cheesy pick up line and I’ll admit, it only got me a little bit. We decided to meet up at a restaurant and right away, our vibes matched up. We probably only hung out for about an hour to an hour and a half before going back to his hotel room. He’s only visiting Georgia for a few days, so this wasn’t going to be a long term thing which was exactly what I wanted. Now, I’ve always had a boundary up to not have sex with someone within a short term of knowing them, but I really wanted to (which caught me off guard). He was a gentleman from start to finish, so again, no regrets.
I left the hotel and made it home thinking he was probably just going to unmatch me and we’d move on from our lives. However, he messaged to make sure I made it home safe and even sent me a nice good morning text. Still, I can tell we probably won’t keep talking after he goes back to his hometown. Which is mutually okay with me.
The thing is, and this is the main reason I’m making this post, I felt like I really broke a boundary that I needed to break. This experience was integral to making new boundaries for my new relationship status. The experience was exciting and new which is one of the many things I’ve been hoping for in this move.
I’m going to jump right into this topic because I’ve just finished off 20 fl oz. of Redbull and it’s almost 1am which means it’s the emotion hour.
Scratch that. It is 1am. Recently, and when I say that I mean within the past 6 months, I’ve spoken with my friends Nigel and Nickie G about open relationships. Apparently, there is way more that goes into them than just wanting to see multiple people at the same time. Nigel told me he has a lot of love and wants to share it with others. I can understand that but it is different for me. You see I broke up with my last relationship, not just because we are honestly so much better as geeky friends, because I wanted to have the freedom of multiple casual relationships. I’m not all about love, but more about freedom and comfort. I’m a selfish person and I’m young; therefore, I want to soak it all in. And don’t confuse this with me being a “friends with benefits” type of person because I have way too much trauma work to do before I can even think about having sex with every person I date. I just want to feel free and comfortable. It’s something I’ve not always had. I don’t want to think about marriage, kids, a picket fence, the works. I want trips to the bar (not now, due to Covid), I want cuddle puddles, I want no guilt. I don’t care if people judge. Hell, I had a guy judge me just a couple weeks ago that I met at work. We went from Snapchatting and flirting to him pretending to be on the phone every time he passed by me (which was surprisingly a lot for someone trying to avoid contact with me) and the main thing that hurt was his lack of confidence to just tell me he didn’t want to have an open relationship.
I am enjoying my freedom and I understand it isn’t for everyone. But there is so much to learn. I haven’t set all my boundaries or even come up with answers to some questions I’ll probably be asked. Like, would I date someone with kids? Because, I have no idea. Maybe if they were good looking enough… I’m not even sure if that was a joke or not. Being 22 is wild. I’ve done more than what I accomplished at 18 but it feels so little. It feels like it’s not enough. I’m just glad I’m past the comparing phase. (I think) Anyway, this post took a turn. I need to pull over and rest. (No, I’m not texting and driving).
I’ll see y’all online. I’m surprisingly pooped for someone who’s been sipping Redbull for the past hour.
I need to look at myself in the mirror.
Know what I look like when I make this or that face.
My blue eyes, light brown eyebrows, single dimple.
I need to know who I am.
What I look like at my best and my worst.
And if I can’t accept the answer, how can I expect others to?
Living cheap is awful. Ramen noodles for lunch and dinner, skipping meals. Using apps to get you a few extra bucks so you’re not rolling down the highway on E. You name it, I’ve probably done most of it. I’ve, currently, downloaded roughly 5 apps on my phone for those pointless surveys in the hopes of getting a few dollars here and there. It adds up and can become gas money which is my main goal right now. I’ve got the other bills under control but if I don’t have gas to get to work, how can I expect to keep that going. Plus, I still want to afford some better groceries, or maybe splurge on a chocolate bar every once in a while. A girl has to have her pleasures. Right now, my main pleasure is sleeping and I’m just grateful that is free. I don’t have to have my lights on and I usually fall asleep to a video playing on my phone. Less electricity. And I rarely have the AC on when my roommate is out. I’m always cold so the AC tends to stay off when it’s just me. I’d love to get one of those rectangular lights Facebook Ads has been targeting me with so I don’t have to have my lights on at night when I read.
Anyway, I sat down to type this because my money situation is still on a short leash. I was certain I’d have things cleaned up by now but, apparently, getting a car’s title in your name is not cheap so I’m back to square one. Regardless, if I just keep my head up and grab as many hours as I can while I’m at work, I should be okay. Maybe our electricity bill won’t be as high this month since the cold front has moved in. We only turned the heat on once and it wasn’t for long. I was just too cold and the blankets weren’t enough at the time. I am hoping to get a raise, soon. That would help, even if I don’t get much more. Hell, I used to live on roughly $150 a week, if that. I remember my first paycheck that was roughly $500! It was so exhilarating to actually fill my hand basket at the dollar store! Normally it was ramen and a few things for my pets. So, roughly $20 for groceries. It was pretty much what I spent this past week after looking at my car title receipt and having a surprisingly calm meltdown in my car. (I guess you could call it a meltdown. I just laughed really hard and made crappy jokes until I was going to cry)
Fear not, I have my ways. I still have money in my savings that I’m begging myself not to touch unless absolutely necessary and, of course, I could get an actual second job and make a little extra money from there. I’d love to be able to make money from my writing but I just don’t think I’ve hit that level of creativity, yet. If I had more money or a slightly better credit score, I could totally take some classes at our local college for creative writing… That is, if they even have those classes.
Alright, let me get back to binging The Bold Type while I, maybe, play around with a story idea! See y’all online!
I’m going to start this post off with a story from my infant hood. Basically, my twin brother and I would get into a lot of trouble by sneaking out of our room and knocking over the trash can to reap the treasures inside. Oftentimes I would hear our parents coming and split, leaving my other half to get scolded in the trash. They knew it was me, so I’d still get scolded. I was deemed the “Trouble Maker” and my brother was the “Copycat” and we’ve long since outgrown those nicknames but I had a thought, today.
You see, I’ve come to realize that I do plenty of copying these days. I copy ideas (fanfiction), I copy mannerisms, I copy clothing styles, I copy phrases (especially while watching TV- if the phrase is funny, I mimic them), I even copy accents over time. I don’t know if this is normal as some of the examples I provided are pretty average. However, I started watching a lot of Tik Toks of users with Tourette’s because I find it interesting to see how someone with their condition lives in their day to day life. The thing is, ever since I started my medication (way before I watched the Tik Tok videos) I would find myself getting sudden energy bursts where snapping my fingers or lightly clapping my hands would feel so good that I wouldn’t want to stop. I’d literally be talking to someone while repeatedly snapping my fingers and I’d barely notice. I think most of the sudden energy has passed as a side effect but every once in a while, last night for example, I’ll just want to do something repeatedly. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and had a really strong urge to just shake my hand. Not in a “hey nice to meet you” pre-COVID kind of way but in a “I’m trying to pop my wrist” but with way more repetition kind of way. And sometimes I have to touch something a couple of times to make sure it’s there. Like I did with my face just now. I touched it like 3 times for no reason. The first time was to feel it (testing to see how dry my skin is) but then I repeated it like I’d forgotten what it felt like.
Now, I don’t want you to get confused. I don’t think I have Tourette’s. I think I suffer from being a huge copycat. It’s like, if I hung around someone who had way too much energy, I’d act just like them no matter how tired I was. This has always been an issue with me. I feel like I can never find out who I am if all I do is copy personalities, accents, actions, phrases, you name it. It’s like I’m pretending to be someone else constantly but I know I’m not them!
I suddenly feel so exhausted coming to this conclusion. Oh well, it’s almost 1030pm. I need to sleep anyway. I have work in the AM. Goodnight, folks.
See y’all online (I just remembered I copied that phrase from my dad’s old blog)
I had my first therapy session since I moved. It felt wonderful to express my feelings to a human being rather than blurt things out in my car. I was, mostly, repeating myself from my last therapy session from Alabama, but I need to be doing that. It feels too new to be talking about my traumas but oh well. They happened years ago. There’s no time like the present to get over this hurdle, right? My next appointment isn’t until the Spooky Season so I have some time to document any lows I might have now that I’ve opened up again. The doc said we’d be discussing goals and starting good coping mechanisms next. I’m pretty elated.
The Cymbalta I’m taking has really helped out my mental state, as well. I haven’t had dark thoughts or been low in some time. I mean, for a while, I was feeling pretty mediocre but my dosage was upped and some things at work have grown comfortable, so I’m at a good place. I was late for work the other day but instead of dwelling on it, I chilled out and reminded myself that there’s nothing I can do about the past, so I just apologized and my coworkers and we laughed it off. I haven’t been late in a couple years, so it’s not something they have to be worried about.
Also, has anyone notice how incredibly cold it’s starting to get, already? I turned the heat on for the first time in our house and I’m still shaking from this weird cold that just won’t go away! My hands and feet are always cold, so nothings changed there but the rest of me is still shivery.
For the past week, I’ve had issues with the amount I was going to have to pay for my medication. Last week, I went to buy the refill and keep in mind that the only change to my prescription is that my dosage went up by 10mg. The pharmacist asked me if it was normal that my copay was so high (the copay was $114) and I about threw myself on the floor. I told her no and that the last time I bought my medication it was roughly $30 so I couldn’t understand why my copay shot up so much over a 10mg difference. The pharmacist suggested I speak with my doctor and discuss maybe splitting my dosage in half and just having me take two pills to equal the actual dosage. After almost 2 days, that was set up and I went back to the pharmacy.
The copay, then, came up to roughly $230. I was frustrated because it turned out, the doctor had changed it but not correctly. Instead of halving my dose and then multiplying the capsules by 2, she just multiplied the capsules so I was about to have to pay for 2 months worth of medication. Still, I noped out. The sweet pharmacist offered to personally email the doctor to fix this as she could probably tell I was frustrated. At that point, I’d been off my antidepressants for about 4 days and I was getting increasingly anxious that I was either going to have to change medications to something cheaper and just pay the expensive copay. This must be what diabetics feel like, as I’ve heard their medication is always expensive. It’s worse for them because they need their medication, whereas, I sorta need mine.
Anyway, the next day I had my medication corrected and filled. I paid $19 for it. Everything is back to what it should be. Although, I have to admit, this medication probably isn’t for me. I went through all that over medication that’s making me feel a little less anxious and a little less depressy but that’s it. Hence, the reason we upped the dose. We’ll see. I’ll take this months dose and go from there with the doc in a couple weeks.
I need to be heading to bed. I was given a sleeping medication, as well. I’m terrible at staying asleep throughout the night. I wake up and either stay up for another hour or fall asleep instantly. It’s frustrating.