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Welcome!

I don’t know exactly how to start this introduction, so I’ll jump right into it! I go by IffyBiffy for two reasons: 1) A big part of the Username was a nickname my Mimi used to call me 2) and I’m almost always Iffy about something! I’m totally up for sharing about my problems with anxiety and the constant fight to keep my dark clouds away! Don’t be afraid to reach out to talk about either! 🙂

8-7-20 We have Internet!

We have Internet and I need a haircut! But I’m struggling to figure out how short I need to go to start getting my layers to a single layer.

Right now I’m currently trying to watch CSI on Hulu for the first time in many moons. I used up all of my Hotspot during my stay in Alabama the past couple days. I was able to see my family and get important documents.

Today I made my appointment for next Wednesday to get on some medication for the PTSD symptoms that I feel like are keeping me from achieving what I want. Sometimes I just get so anxious it feels like I’m stuck. I plan to get started on this medication and try to find some other methods to maximize my mental state. I ordered a pen from Cloudy which is supposed to help with your melatonin levels. I’ll be getting it soon and will put out how it helps. Now, to be fair, I’m already half skeptical. But I’m hoping maybe the other half of me will be trick myself into thinking it works enough for it to help me.

8-2-20

Oh, the joy of waking up on your day off. I cut up some watermelon and have started second breakfast. Roomie is home from her training shift at work and we had a little discussion about her and one of her friends. It was nice to hear her vent about it since I kinda forget she made friends while we went to different campuses of the same college. I wished I could have roomed with her but I had animals and they didn’t allow those.

We spoke about a mutual friend of ours last night that went through a loss. His pet passed away after many years of a wonderful life. Her health had been declining for a bit, so our friend knew she didn’t have much time left. He made sure she had the best life and she was loved immensely. Still, we both know his dog was pretty much a daughter to him. This will take some time before he starts to feel even a little okay. I messaged him a bit but I know he wants to be with his wife and let out his emotions, so I’m gonna try and give him some space. Plus, and I hate to say this, I don’t think I’m the right person to talk to. I’m horrible about showing any sad emotions. My twin brother and I are bad about remaining stoic when others are crying or upset. I just don’t tend to feel a lot of sadness outside of my own and I feel like it definitely messes with me. Sure, I’m sad she passed, as she was such a lovely being but it’s hard for me to start bawling like a baby. I don’t think it is also fair to say that I was very close to her. I didn’t visit very often and when I did, I would just give her a simple pat and move on. Still, I understand other’s sadness.

Okay, lets move on since I feel like I’m just downgrading this post with my awkwardness. I’ve been hugely appreciative of the #writerslift community on Twitter. Anytime I do one I find a few more followers to flood my timelines with something interesting other than just fanart from The Witcher (that’s mainly porn-ish- get that porn of my tl!). I enjoy fanart but I don’t even follow half the people that show up on my timeline (cuz I liked The Witcher category) and this is for good, personal reason. So, I’ve been lucky enough to stumble upon some wonderful Twitter accounts full of poetry, writing tips, and altogether, a great community. I wished I’d found them before! Still, I don’t think any of my tweets will get as popular as that one I did about Tessa Violet’s song “Wishful Drinking”. That shit garnered over 350+ likes and I will never get that famous again. And I’m kinda okay with that. It was worth it for Tessa Violet.

Also, I’ve noticed an increase in nightmares in the past two days. I’ve had 3 in total. All have involved death or some sort of monster/demon attacking my family/friends and I. I can’t find much in the dream dictionary that I bought that would make sense of things and my roommate keeps suggesting I put the dream catcher I have hanging on my door handle above my head. I don’t actually believe in dream catchers; I just think they’re cute and intricate. My older brother has one tattooed on his arm. I wonder if he gets nightmares…

Let me sign off, for now. I need to get on my island on Animal Crossing: NH and let roomie raid my shops since she’s still new to her island. She’s been making hella cute outfits so it’s more of a trade-off. See y’all online~

CORONAVIRUS IS WORLDWIDE. STOP MAKING IT POLITICAL

Okay, first of all, Covid-19 is real. It’s not a conspiracy theory. It’s not propaganda. It’s a new illness with no known cure. It is real and it is scary. If you can wear a mask, wear one. Social distancing. Pretend you are Stella from “Five Feet Apart” (by the amazing Mikki Daughtry) and instead of loving Will, you hate him and go out of your way to avoid him (AKA other people). SOCIAL DISTANCE BECAUSE YOUR LIFE AND OTHER’S LIVES DO DEPEND ON IT!!

I’m so sick of people talking to me about this like it’s over or like this pandemic is a joke. It astounds me that people aren’t taking this seriously!

Y’all, people actually think other countries or the Democrats whipped this up so Cheeto-head won’t be prez next election?!?! Ugh, remember when the news said that this was (and still is) a pandemic. Means we are all in the same boat. No one is safe. So, let’s get our thinking caps on and do what is necessary to help one another. The world needs everyone to be working together. Some countries have flattened their curve. We can too. It just takes actual effort and to be listening to the doctors and scientists who are ACTUALLY knowledgeable about this virus. Well, as knowledgeable as one can be to a new virus. Still, they know more than I do which means I can and will be educated about this.

Let’s take a better step forwards because we have taken far too many back.

1 Year Anniversary

I’ve officially been on this blog for 1 year and one day. I didn’t realize the anniversary was yesterday until just now so I’m currently pretending the French Style Cheesecake Mousse I bought from Walmart is me celebrating rather than me splurging. Hey, they’re only 5.25 oz so not much. But enough. I’d feel sick if it was more.

So, for my one year I’d like to take a look back on the stuff I’ve accomplished.

  • I met so many new and awesome people
  • I hit 100 followers
  • I’ve been better about posting on time
  • I got a new job
  • I moved, for Pete’s sake
  • I found my cat
  • I realized what I need in my life in terms of a relationship
  • I was diagnosed with PTSD, Depression and Anxiety, so I turned around and have slowly been making plans on how to help myself out (this one is still a work in progress)
  • I made a Facebook and Twitter page under the same handle. (Follow me, especially on Twitter cuz I never shut up there)
  • I actually put money into the blog which is something I never thought I would do. I assumed this would just be a place I’d randomly use to vent how I’m feeling but it’s become a lot more structured so I felt I should pay it, it’s dues.
  • I’ve found a good number of blogs that I enjoy reading during my down time. It feels mean to say buts it’s relieving to know others are going through their anxiety, depression, etc same as me. We’re all here for each other in the end.

I think WordPress just has a generally good community. At least, in the parts I’ve been looking.

I know this is a short post but I just thought I’d update everyone on my past year from this blog. It’s been a ride, so far. Can’t wait to see what next year holds!

See y’all online~

7-27-20 I Found my cat

So, I made it through the night. Some funny shit that I don’t think I can talk about happened at work and I met one of my coworkers who also enjoys anime which is a nice change of pace. He’s the first nerd I’ve met in person. Told him to watch Carole and Tuesday cuz that show smacks, dude.

Also, as I was pulling into the yard at the house, my cat, Oreo, (who has been missing for 10 days) was just chilling next to our house. I had to approach him very cautiously because he kept stepping away. Eventually, he let me pick him up but then squirmed until my roommate opened the door. After about 15 minutes, he stopped acting so skittish and started getting all in our bubbles which is his usual personality. We gave him food and looked him over. He seems good. Voice is a little hoarse and he has scratches on his nose, but he’s good altogether. It was so nice having him sleeping with me. Oreo wouldn’t leave my room except for food, water, and bathroom breaks. He is still trying to go back outside again, which is going to have to be a no for some time. I doubt he’d go missing this time since he seems to know where home is but I don’t want to take that chance.

Today, after the meeting we have at work in an hour, roomie and I will be headed to the laundromat once again. I can’t wait to get a washer and dryer (even if I still enjoy the trips to the laundromat).

Okay, I need to go get ready for this stinkin’ meeting. I woulda had the whole day to myself, but no. Maybe I will on Sunday. Anyways, see y’all online~

7-26-20

I’m hella anxious today. I’ve got a late shift at work and won’t be getting home until 11pm. I’ve always worked early shifts where other coworkers are there with me and if I need help, I can just ask. But I’ll be by myself and I’m not really too excited about that. My boss reminded me that if I needed anything, I could text her which is all good and everything but I still don’t want to be myself. I’ve worked at this place for a little over a week and I’ve seen some sketchy people a handful of those days. At the last place I worked, there weren’t very many strange people and even less during the day shifts. I mean, I’m gonna have to deal with crazy people at some point while working here, but I really want to procrastinate on that right now. I’m also a bit sad because even though I have tomorrow off, I still have to go in for a meeting, so it really doesn’t feel like I have a day off, regardless of whether the meeting only lasts like 30 minutes to an hour. I just keep telling myself to deal with one thing at a time. So, my focus is on this next shift. 8 hours. I’ll treat the shift like I usually do. 1 hour at a time. I have a terrible habit of writing down each hour and then marking them off as they come. It’s a physical way for me to keep track of how the hours are passing. Pretty much, once I hit 4 hours in, I’m usually a little more relaxed. By that point I’m shouting “I’m halfway there” in my head. When I worked weekends at my last job and I hit the 4-6 hour-ish mark I would literally do a little dance (mainly cuz I’m by myself so the only one watching is the person who may or may not be viewing the camera at that moment).

There was one day where I was like “I think today will be a good day. How about I mark every 2 hours instead of each hour” and it worked. But I was more confident and knew better details of that shift than what I do of this shift. I told myself that once it starts getting dark, I’ll know it’s almost time to go home. I think I’ll try some stretches and listening to a dance kind of playlist. I tend to notice that I’m a bit more relaxed if I do something physical. Maybe I’ll go bother my roommate and we can finally start doing the yoga poses on the di I bought from 5Below. I’ve got about 45 minutes until I need to start getting ready. May as well break as sweat before I have to shower. Speaking of my roommate. She’s such an adorable housewife. She waited until her dad left outside to turn to me and be like “So, I’ve been reading your blog and I’m worried about your eating habits because I know you were saying your anxiety keeps you from eating. So, I’m making sure you eat.” And then she proceeded to watch me eat ¾ of my plate because I’m a pussy who keeps grabbing more food than she can eat. I do appreciate it, although I feel like it’s such an annoying thing to watch someone deal with. This is in part to the fact that if I don’t eat something because I’m too anxious, I’ll be hungry and aggravated later, but if I do force myself to eat something my stomach will feel awful and I’ll be in an awful mood- but with more energy. It’s like a vicious cycle. So, to combat it, I bought that Positivity Tea (It’s called something else but I’m too lazy to get up and grab the box from the kitchen) from Wally World and it helps. I think this is partially due to the placebo effect and also because when I drink it, the warmth helps to relax my stomach versus when I drink coffee and it tends to tie up my stomach and give me the wrong kind of energy boost.

You know, I might bring a book to work. I talked with another coworker and was like “So, is us just standing here what usually happens during this shift?” Short answer: Yes. Long Answer: Yes, but don’t forget we have to keep stations clean and do the things on the checklist. I don’t want to be scrolling on the internet or on my phone for the long pauses in the shift (at least not the entire pause). I’d rather catch up on the reading that I am so desperately behind because my YouTube subscriptions have really been uploading during this pandemic.

There, I’m feeling a little more confident. I knew typing this out would help. I can already feel myself breathing easier. I even ate a bit this morning. I made myself some Positivity Tea and it helped to calm my stomach which was hurting badly enough this early morning that I couldn’t go back to sleep. I really need to see about looking into ways to stop that.

Let me make a list of optimistic things to help me:

  1. I know what I’m doing at work, for the most part. So, if I need help, there are people I can contact.
  2. It’s only 8 hours, not 24.
  3. Sunday’s aren’t usually too busy (this was even verified by Boss Lady)
  4. I have a warm and larger bed to come home to (thank god I bought a full and not another twin)
  5. Once I get off work, I won’t have to set an alarm to get up since the meeting isn’t until the afternoon.
  6. After the meeting, my roommate and I will get to go to my new favorite place, for unknown reasons: the laundromat.
  7. If I wanted to, I can stay up a little more after work and play some Witcher 3 on the Switch Lite like I did last night.
  8. I can dance at work and sing to good music like no one is watching, cuz mostly likely no one will be.
  9. Hell, I could probably type a post for the blog while at work. I’ve done it before. Better than doing nothing.
  10. Imma feel a little bit cuter than last time cuz this time I’ll be wearing pants that actually fit me (haha)

Alright, I think I’ll be okay. I just need to do some stretches. Do some dances. Tea. Good.

I hope y’all have a wonderful rest of this sunny and hot Sunday. See y’all online~

I don’t do art but I did do this

This is my mood a lot of the time. Just ask my roommate

So, the story behind this is I was listening to a lot of r/ stories where guys were being way too much and just, frankly, getting on the poster’s nerves. I was already going through some ‘leave me alone’ vibes and the videos were making me angry so I grabbed my little paint set and did this. It’s pretty much always been above my bed and tends to be my mantra 70% of the time. I did the canvas in the Bisexual flag because I’d wanted something that represented a part of me in my room.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my little art project I did about a year ago. See y’all online~

I know I just posted a second ago but-

So, my roommate’s dad is staying the night with us because he has been helping out with fixing up the house and delivering some of Nickie G’s things to her. He was even nice enough to buy us KFC for dinner.

But that’s kinda the extent of his niceness, really. He’s loud, angry, and an alcoholic. I think you can probably get the picture. Anyway, he’s sleeping in the next room and I keep trying to watch YouTube, Twitter, or Facebook videos having to remind myself to be courteous cuz he actually needs to sleep since he’s leaving once he wakes up in the morning. I know he’d probably have to get pretty upset to yell at me, but I don’t want to keep pressing any buttons to test that hypothesis.

Still, I want to listen to videos on my laptop. I never get to use the dang thing outside of WordPress and The Sims 4 anymore. Now that my Hotspot is working, though, I can actually pull things up which is kind of exciting. We are supposed to be getting WiFi soon, so I’m excited. I’d love to get more into the online community and maybe listen to podcasts and watch streams for once.

Alright, it is 10pm though. I have work in the morning so maybe I’ll force myself to watch more dashcam videos to send my butt to sleep. But first, I must daydream!

Wanna learn more about me? Here are some things I enjoy~

I noticed that my blog has plenty of information on my mental state and how I’m attempting to fix/help it but I don’t post much about my physical state (i.e. what I’m out doing).
I figured I should give you some better detail to have a better picture of how I spend 99% of my time outside of the blog. 1% is pretty much just me figuring out what to post.
First, I’d just like to say that YouTube is my best friend. I’m, currently, trying to watch “r/Justneckbeardthings~ Sorry M’Lady” by YouTuber, Chris Cross. I tend to watch those types (any r/ videos) while I’m doing something so I can get that multitasking feeling. Plus, those neckbeards are just absolutely cringing/entertaining. I don’t think I’ve ever actually met a neckbeard, or talked with one long enough to verify, but I know there are some out there. I’ve met r/Niceguys and r/Nicegirls out in the wild and that’s pretty funny.
I love watching dashcam videos, Markiplier, CrankGameplays, Slapped Ham, Top 5s, Buzzfeed Unsolved, Nuke’s Top 5, Lazy Masquerade, Chills, Noble Xenon, Walk Off The Earth, Jenna Marbles, doddleoddle, Tessa Violet, Olan Rogers, and Thomas Sanders. There’s probably way more on my subscriptions list but they are most likely variations of the content the YouTuber’s above post about.
I usually fall asleep while watching the dashcam videos cuz anytime I passenger a car ride, I get sleepy but I love them nonetheless. They’re my go-to for when I need to fall asleep.
As for the YouTubers like Slapped Ham and Buzzfeed Unsolved, they are my go-to for when I need a laugh but also kinda want to be freaked out at the same time. Although, with YouTubers like Nuke’s Top 5, Chills, and Slapped Ham, I tend to enjoy the debunking portion of the videos the most. Not that I don’t believe in ghosts, it’s just those videos can be faked and a feel like a good portion of them are. This reminds me of that one video I saw where a guy was freaking out over his lightbulb turning on and off and said he wasn’t touching the switch but, in the foreground, you can see a box for those Wi-Fi connected bulbs. Killed all hope for that video being legit real fast.
If I want to watch someone playing a video game, since I don’t do a lot of gaming, I watch Markiplier, CrankGameplays, and Jacksepticeye. I think Jenna (Marbles) has played a few games, but I don’t watch her and Julien when they stream since I haven’t had reliable Wi-Fi in a few years. (Thanks to YouTube Premium for letting me download sh*t).
Of course, then there are singers like Dodie and Tessa who I love and adore to pieces. They know how to make words dance. I can’t figure out how to free write and make it sound nice but they over here, uploading albums and earning some good $$$. They deserve it, too. (Not saying that everyone else on this list doesn’t).
Of course, then you get your laughs from Olan Rogers and Thomas Sanders. I still think about a few of their more famous lines from time to time. And on any given day, whether it’s Monday or not, I find myself saying “It’s a Monday” and then in a much smaller thought, “I gotta do it one more time”. Hell, my older brother says it, too. Golden, ya know? Golden.
All of these YouTubers are amazing and wonderful and I keep holding out hope to one day meet one of them, so I’ll keep trucking on until I do.

Lots to do, not much I can do

Anytime you move to a different state, you have to get your license, tag, etc in order. Usually you have to get it done within 30 days or so and I’ve been trying to do that but this is only my second day off since I’ve been here and by the time I get off, they are either close to closing or are closed. Plus, with the virus still going on, I have to make appointments instead of just being able to walk in.

Not to mention, I’m still trying to get around to a doctors appointment to talk about medication. A lot of the places around here are appointment or telehealth only so I’ll just have to see when my next day off is. In the end, I don’t feel like I’ve done anything productive today.

As a response to this lack of anything, Nicki G and I have decided to get dressed up and do a little bit of house shopping. I am a bit sad because I put on lipstick before remembering that I’ll be wearing a mask so what does it even matter anymore…