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Welcome!

I don’t know exactly how to start this introduction, so I’ll jump right into it! I go by IffyBiffy for two reasons: 1) A big part of the Username was a nickname my Mimi used to call me 2) and I’m almost always Iffy about something! I’m totally up for sharing about my problems with anxiety and the constant fight to keep my dark clouds away! Don’t be afraid to reach out to talk about either! 🙂

Ex Coworker Tried to Get Me Fired

Yes, this did happen. No, it is not clickbait.

So let me give you some background information to begin with, so you can understand what I had to deal with a couple of days ago. Basically, a month or so ago we had a coworker ,who’d been getting in trouble with the boss, walk out on their shift. It was obvious they’d planned to walk out leaving no one in the building but the guests. We ended up having two tablets stolen from our property and we were honestly lucky nothing else was taken. The ex coworker was barred from ever setting foot on the property again but their s/o still worked with us. The s/o was doing pretty decent work minus a few things here and there that were found in the rooms after they cleaned it but something happened a few days ago where they ended up getting fired.

Now, these two coworkers used to be friends with me. I actually hung out with both of them on a couple of occasions but after the first coworker walked out on us, I blocked them on all accounts because of what they did. I’m not going to remain friends with a man-child.

Back to what I was saying. The s/o was fired and in retaliation, the coworker that walked out on us screenshotted the message my boss sent to their s/o and sent the screenshot along with a fake text saying they and I had sex to the owner of the building. Basically, their plan was to get my manager and I in trouble but it didn’t work. The owner did request that my manager call me to make sure that even if we had sex that it was not on work property. I denied all of this because 1) I would not have sex with them even if they were the last person on the planet and 2) I wouldn’t have sex at work even if someone was offering me my wildest dreams. (I mean, dude, I’m asexual. Come on)

After my manager and I talked yesterday (for all of 5 minutes, thank goodness) the situation pretty much ended there. Except, now I feel like the owner is going to be breathing down my neck since he probably thinks the idiot and I are partners in crime. I was honestly considering legal action since this is considered defamation but it’s not like anything really came of this. I think it would be more time consuming and I wouldn’t get any money from it because I know they’re broke considering the people they got a loan from keep calling us. I’ll just wait for Mother Karma to feed them both a dose of their own medicine.

Silver (free write)

  1. Silver is best described as the end and the beginning joining together.
  2. The end could be stormy, wet, and alone.
  3. But the beginning could be a shaky breath of new air as the weight seeps from my eyes.
  1. Silver is the color I feel after a night of silent pain.
  2. Silver is nostalgia, whether good or bad.
  3. I feel it when I feel nothing at night.
  4. I feel it when everything returns in the morning.
  1. It’s always there like a ghost.
  2. Sometimes it’s scary.
  3. But sometimes it can be so comforting to feel.

Silver is such a hard color to express in words, for me. I can play songs and take pictures of what makes me feel silver but to type it up and feel complete is so difficult. Silver is attached to memories, emotions or lack thereof. It can seem so blurry at times, and yet, it can be that little light slipping through the stormy clouds. Sometimes, when I can’t pinpoint how I’m feeling, I like to say I’m silver because it encompasses so much in my head.

Struggling to get that second dose

I was scheduled for the second dose of Moderna this past Tuesday and I, stupidly, slept through my alarm. Now, I’ve had the darndest time getting another appointment. I’m not surprised by this since there was such a long line to get the first dose. I’ve been calling the place I received my first shot but I always end up on hold for roughly 30 minutes before giving up. I even looked into CVS’s and Walgreens around me but no luck. I need to get that second dose! What’s the point of getting the first dose and not getting the second one!

I’ve questioned myself for too long!

Just 5 minutes ago I was folding my laundry and talking to my roommate about a mutual friend of ours. I won’t bore anyone with the details but the conversation led to me reviewing a question and coming to a determined answer about my sexuality. I could go back into my posts on my blog and see a pattern when I talk about sex. I don’t, often. However, when I do, it’s almost never positive. I’ve always wondered why and I even considered maybe I just hadn’t found the right person (because that’s what everyone has always told me). But this isn’t true. The answer is more simple and everything else makes sense. I never enjoyed sex because, spoiler alert, I don’t like sex. I’m asexual. Duh! I mean, this isn’t to say the answer hasn’t ever occured to me before, I just feel like it’s taking me too long to accept it. I’ve been fighting the answer for so long because everyone, including myself, has been saying I just haven’t found the right person or that some people just need to be “trained” better. No, it has never had anything to do with the quality of the person or the quality of the sex. It’s been everything to do with me not even wanting sex to begin with. I forced myself to believe I liked it and it confused my for years. Why can’t I just be comfortable like everyone else? When will I meet the person who makes me comfortable enough to want sex? Tiff, listen sweetie, it’s okay to admit it. I don’t like sex. I have no interest in having it. I have nothing against others who think and act differently than me. I just, sincerely, don’t have the patience for anyone who disagrees with me, on this realization. I am me; therefore, I know myself best. This is me. End of story.

The crazy ideas we get after a loved one has passed

When someone you love passes away, it is easy to find yourself thinking up ideas similar to this:

  1. If I rub every lamp I find, I’m sure a genie will eventually appear to grant me that one wish.
  2. If I learn to lucid dream, I’ll see them in my dreams and it’ll be like they’re really there.
  3. Maybe they’re a ghost and if I attempt to make contact with them, I’ll eventually get a response.
  4. Maybe they’ll reincarnate into someone and try to find me.
  5. I could buy one of those ouija boards and try to contact them.
  6. What if they’re not really dead and I have to go on a quest to find them?

Depending on your imagination, this list could be completely different. Regardless, I think it crosses everyone’s minds that with a little bit of magic or mystery things could be different. I’m sure this is normal. Or maybe it’s more that I hope this is normal. I think about crazy schemes like these from time to time. It’s been almost 9 years since my dad passed and the ideas still creep up on me when I least expect them too.

May 5th 2021

I know I haven’t posted in a while. And I’m actually at work right now so I shouldn’t be posting but I just think I needed to get these feelings off my chest.

The past month has been hell on me mentally and physically. I practically live at work. I’ve come to dislike going to work and the dislike is growing. I’ve only ever hated a workplace once in my life and I don’t want this place to be added to that list. To cut a month long story short, a former coworker walked out on their post in the middle of their shift and I had to deal with the aftermath. Not to mention, the next day we had another coworker quit so it was just two front desk going back to back 12 hour shifts for a few days while our boss had to take time to be with a passing close family member. It was just a terrible time all around. I got very little sleep and came very close to asking if I could actually stay at the hotel to avoid driving drowsy. My boss would have let me, I’m sure, but I decided not to bother them and just used caffeine drinks/pills to power through. Our boss actually came back quicker than what would have been recommended for them. A couple days after their family member’s funeral they were back in their office trying to right all the mess that had been happening and then hiring as fast as possible. Things are better now and I finally have a day off after a couple weeks of hell. I’m still mentally exhausted and hope things will return to normalcy soon. I can’t ask for the impossible but I can still dream.

I’m just getting so tired of seeing this workplace, of thinking about it. I’d love to go days without it and have a vacation. I made a bigger check than I’ve ever had but I’m too tired to spend it. All I do all day is buy snacks and eat them while I slowly fall asleep to YouTube videos. I’m not kidding, it’s what I do. Every. Day. This place hasn’t been very good for me and I was warned about that before I moved here. I miss a lot of my family and any chance I can go visit them is always amazing. My lease ends in the summer. I’ll have to make some choices then. I think I pretty much already have though. I just don’t think I could stay in this town another year. I’m not the same type of crazy everyone else is here.

Changes throughout my jobs

I was sitting in the laundromat with my twin thinking about how easy it was for me to reach out to my friends, write a blog post, and send out a few tweets. I even had the energy to read posts from bloggers that I follow. It’s just, I almost never do that these days. I feel so bad for my friends who are in contact all the time and they aren’t too exhausted to reach out. I was sitting there wondering why I’ve changed into this shell of a person and I realized that one of the main things that’s changed are the responsibilities I’ve had throughout each job.

You see, about 4 years ago I would have been going to community college and working part time at a pub/restaurant. I was only working as a host for a couple of years and I would do, maybe, 3-4 hours a shift for 4-5 days a week. Obviously I wasn’t making very much money but I didn’t have so much on my brain. I was doing a fairly simple task everyday and I didn’t have to think about it after I left my shift. I wasn’t over anyone and I was friends with most of my coworkers. Work wasn’t draining for me. And even when I went to the daycare, afterwards, I wasn’t over anyone. Sure, the job was more stressful and I had twice the hours but I still wasn’t as stressed. I wrote a little less and then I went to work at a hotel. Once I got the hang of my job and befriended some awesome employees, including my Disney obsessed former boss, I wrote even more. I had so much less to worry about and I made time for my friends. This move and promotion at the new hotel is big. I’m over a lot of people and I’ve never been in a managerial position in my life. I’ve told coworkers what to do before when I would train them but this is way different. I’m having to be constantly vigilant and worry about everything and everyone. I’m so drained that even making posts can get complicated. If I type more than one up on my day off I end up scheduling it so it doesn’t seem like I’m ignoring my blog.

I just have to ask, does anyone else go through this? Is there any advice to give? I like my job and I’m enjoying all the fun stuff I’m learning, I just wish I had more mental energy to focus on my friends/ family and my blog.

A weekend off~ Finally!

After months of working hard and being patient, my boss gave me a weekend off. Honestly, I was getting a little impatient. Normally, I don’t request weekends off because I don’t mind what days I have off. I’ll be doing most of the same things no matter what day. I don’t go out and party and if I travel it’s just to my brothers house in Alabama. That’s not far and since I usually see him on the weekdays, we don’t go out much as he has a Monday to Friday schedule at work. Still, it was nice to get the weekend off. I’d actually made a request for Friday and Saturday on behalf of my nephew turning 3 but she went ahead and gave me the weekend off.

But, of course, the hardest workers can’t have nice things. Both my general manager and I had plans to be out of town this weekend. We are at work constantly and just wanted to enjoy ourselves. I’m not sure what her plans were but she let us know she wouldn’t be at work for the weekend. Regardless, a coworker of mine that has been doing some serious slacking lately, decided to call out two days in a row and I almost didn’t go to Alabama this weekend. It got to the point where my GM did go in on Saturday just to relieve a coworker who’d already had to take his first shift. Needless to say, he’s on thin ice with the boss.

What’s even more annoying is that I’ve been on the other side of this situation. You know, the side that works 16 hours to cover the coworker who’s called out two days in a row. I understand the colleagues that are dealing with his mess and I feel bad for them. They’re exhausted. And he’s doing whatever the heck he’s doing. I won’t go into detail because I do know what he’s doing and so does the boss. I just hope we can find a good replacement fast because everyone is already exhausted.

But I will say that as worried as I was about leaving for the weekend, I’m glad I did. I had a bunch of fun and I’m not quite finished yet. It’s only 2pm on the final day. I’m with my twin at the laundromat since the water isn’t working at my older brother’s house. I had to take what my roommate and I affectionately call a “bitch bath” which sounds horrible but always makes me laugh. All I care about is I’m clean. I used to take bitch baths all the time when I’d wake up exhausted and wouldn’t feel like taking a whole shower. I’m just going to try and enjoy the rest of today before going back for the week.

Hope everyone is having a great Sunday! I think my clothes are done washing.

3/30/21

I don’t understand how people can just express themselves. Emotions are hard enough to understand, let alone tell others those feelings. My therapist is gonna get a load of all this on Friday. All our sessions have just been me talking about everything but my feelings and I get the feeling she’s getting tired of hearing about the crazy guests we get and how I feel about all my family members.

Y’all just send me some good vibes if you have any to spare, please. I’m at the edge, here.