Featured

Welcome!

I don’t know exactly how to start this introduction, so I’ll jump right into it! I go by IffyBiffy for two reasons: 1) A big part of the Username was a nickname my Mimi used to call me 2) and I’m almost always Iffy about something! I’m totally up for sharing about my problems with anxiety and the constant fight to keep my dark clouds away! Don’t be afraid to reach out to talk about either! 🙂

9-17-20 Some medication troubles

For the past week, I’ve had issues with the amount I was going to have to pay for my medication. Last week, I went to buy the refill and keep in mind that the only change to my prescription is that my dosage went up by 10mg. The pharmacist asked me if it was normal that my copay was so high (the copay was $114) and I about threw myself on the floor. I told her no and that the last time I bought my medication it was roughly $30 so I couldn’t understand why my copay shot up so much over a 10mg difference. The pharmacist suggested I speak with my doctor and discuss maybe splitting my dosage in half and just having me take two pills to equal the actual dosage. After almost 2 days, that was set up and I went back to the pharmacy.

The copay, then, came up to roughly $230. I was frustrated because it turned out, the doctor had changed it but not correctly. Instead of halving my dose and then multiplying the capsules by 2, she just multiplied the capsules so I was about to have to pay for 2 months worth of medication. Still, I noped out. The sweet pharmacist offered to personally email the doctor to fix this as she could probably tell I was frustrated. At that point, I’d been off my antidepressants for about 4 days and I was getting increasingly anxious that I was either going to have to change medications to something cheaper and just pay the expensive copay. This must be what diabetics feel like, as I’ve heard their medication is always expensive. It’s worse for them because they need their medication, whereas, I sorta need mine.

Anyway, the next day I had my medication corrected and filled. I paid $19 for it. Everything is back to what it should be. Although, I have to admit, this medication probably isn’t for me. I went through all that over medication that’s making me feel a little less anxious and a little less depressy but that’s it. Hence, the reason we upped the dose. We’ll see. I’ll take this months dose and go from there with the doc in a couple weeks.

I need to be heading to bed. I was given a sleeping medication, as well. I’m terrible at staying asleep throughout the night. I wake up and either stay up for another hour or fall asleep instantly. It’s frustrating.

Short Story- Vending Machine Love Potion

I’ve been itching to post something but couldn’t think of what to do until I read https://lifesfinewhine.com/ short story and remembered about a short story I wrote a few years ago. Thanks, hun!

The clouds above the junior college rolled lazily toward the west. A storm had passed just yesterday evening but pieces of it still lingered in the breeze. A girl, tall and thin with hazel eyes and dirty blonde, mid-spine length, hair was rushing to one of the four buildings on campus. Her blue and black striped sweater protected her from what her matching shorts couldn’t: the fiery sun. It was early March but, in the south, that just meant that spring had already greeted everyone with warmer air and greener grass.

The door to the girl’s destination was a bit heavy and sported an electronic keypad lock that was only ever initiated past 5 p.m. She grabbed the metal door handle and gave it a short tug before stepping inside. Just as the door was starting to close, a boy slipped his hand around the handle and gave it an extra identical tug. He was a muscular boy of about 6’3 and wore his brown hair in a modern style, with just a few inches extra, brushed back. He had brown eyes and a dash of freckles across his tan face. He wore a black t-shirt with the words “Dribble 4 Ur Life” in red print on his chest. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to right what the wind had wronged and sighed. His grey sweatpants swished as he made his way to the vending machine just a few feet away.

Both of them paused, slightly unsure of who would use the machine first. They’d gotten there mere seconds apart.

“I don’t know what I want, you can go first,” the girl offered, pulling out a teal colored wallet from her backpack.

“Well, I guess we’re in the same boat, then,” the boy smirked as he produced a crumpled mess of dollar bills from his pocket.

“What’cha thinking about getting,” the girl asked, a note of southern in her voice.

The boy mulled it over and finally shrugged. He had no idea. Half the time, he never did. He would just walk up to the vending machine, shove some cash in, and press whatever number he saw first. However, he felt nervous to do that, this go around. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt like now was a good time to actually decide on what snack he’d like to consume today.

The girl nodded slowly, as if his uncertainty were somehow useful information. She noted his curious glance at her, asking her what she wanted without even having to open his mouth.

“Chips and chocolate… I think.”

“Wow, 2 snacks. Someone’s hungry,” he chuckled.

The girl playfully rolled her eyes before responding, “The chips are for the hunger, the chocolate is for the craving.” She looked to the row of chocolate bars and rested a manicured hand under her chin.

“Alright then, what type of chips are you hungry for and what chocolate are you craving,” the boy asked, noting how none of her nails were a matching color. It was obvious to him that she wasn’t big on making one specific decision either.

“Something with vinegar in it… Dill Pickle? No, that doesn’t sound right… Ah, Salt & Vinegar! Annd, something creamy for the chocolate.” The girl drew out her ‘and’ as she scanned the meager options of chocolate bars for ‘something creamy.’

“For creamy,” the boy started, stepping close to her,” my go-to is Reece’s Cups.”

He glanced down toward her hazel eyes, but couldn’t quite meet them, regardless of being at least 5 inches taller than her. He smiled, suddenly shy, and she smiled back, the top row of her teeth showing and two small dimples creating little pits in her cheeks. Another second of silence passed before the girl stepped forward and made her two purchases. She dropped in $2 and held her snack booty against her chest before stepping to the side and nudging her head from the boy to the machine.

“You’re turn,” she said, an extra ounce of chipper in her voice.

“Alright, then. I guess it’s your turn to help me.”

She nodded and smiled, mentally noting that she couldn’t stop doing that.

“What’s your poison of choice for today,” she joked, thinking of all the bartenders smacking their faces and shaking their heads at her in shame for such a lame joke.

“I mean if they sold alcohol I’d have more of an idea of what I want, but since they doon’t… I’ll go with something hot. Barbecue Chips maybe,” he said, copying her long draw in his ‘don’t.’

He noted a light blush on her face but said nothing of it.

“And for a drink,” the girl asked.

“Gatorade.”

The boy said it without thinking. Gatorade was always his go-to for hydration.

He pushed a crumpled dollar bill into the slot and sighed as it popped back out. He snatched it up and smoothed it out before retrying. This time, it went in and he hurriedly pressed the button for Gatorade before the machine changed its’ mind and spit his money back out.

A strange sound occurred. Instead of the usual few clunks and voila, a Gatorade, there were twice as many sounds. The two of them swapped glances before the boy leaned forward and pushed the panel back. He let out a large exhale, meant to be a laugh, and took out two Gatorades.

“Sweet! Two for one deal,” he joked, staring at the blue liquid dancing around in both bottles.

“Yay for machine malfunctions,” the girl cried, throwing her arms up until she almost dropped her snacks.

“Hm. Here, then. I don’t need two,” the boy said as he handed her one of his bottles.

She slowly took it and smiled wide.

“Thanks!”

Without asking each other where each of them was going, the two made their way to the fourth floor of the building and sat down at a wooden bench just comfortable enough for a quick chat and a bite to eat. And that’s exactly what occurred. The two talked, jumping from topic to topic in a matter of fifteen minutes.

It went without having to be said, there was a connection between the two of them. Something that couldn’t be explained and something that didn’t need to be. Soon, they were sitting closer to one another, their shoulders grazing as they talked and their voices low, as if they were sharing secrets. Their breathes mingled and for a second, their eyes met and the same goal appeared in their minds. It didn’t need to be said, exactly. Regardless, the girl spoke quickly, determined to get to that goal.

“I’ve never kissed a stranger before, but I guess I’ll try anything once.”

The boy countered jokingly, “What could happen? We start dating?”

And then without anymore hesitation, they both tilted their heads and lightly touched their lips for a brief moment. They both could feel a light-headed euphoria pass between them, and then their lips parted.

The boy looked into her eyes and whispered, “My name’s Charlie, by the way.”

The girl smiled, her top rows of teeth and dimples showing again. “Mine’s Sam.”

I had a super weird dream(s)

The dream started off with my family trying to hurry out to my car so we can meet our flight time. I don’t know where we were flying to but I’m guessing it was to South Carolina as we used to visit during the summer or Christmas. As I was crawling into the car, everything changed to me walking down the hallway at my old elementary school. I had some background knowledge of what was going on at the moment which only confused me even more. Apparently, I was in my senior year and all I had to do before I left to graduate was give a packet to one of my teachers. Except, I was having a lot of issues with this teacher. She would constantly berate me and tell me what to do as if I wasn’t already trying to finish the task. Eventually, I just turned to her and yelled a bunch of obscenities before throwing my packet down on her desk and telling her I was headed out and never returning. She was offended but didn’t seem to care, overall. She told other teachers in an attempt to get them upset at me but they disliked her already, so that wasn’t going to work.

I shoved a bunch of clothes into a backpack and, suddenly, appeared outside of an older man’s house. I had background information that this man was a relative of mine. After entering, I met him, his wife, and their daughter who all seemed delighted to see me, which was a wonderful change from a bratty teacher yelling at me for just walking down the hallway. They were a health nut type of family, so after I ate a light lunch I asked to borrow their bike because I hadn’t ridden on one in a while. They were fine with that and suggested I use the elevator which would put me right down to the lobby but I wanted to see what was downstairs. I waited for them to leave the room and headed downstairs, hauling the bike over my shoulder. I came down to a room that looked like it was a pet’s bedroom. There was an expensive pet bed with food littered over the top of it in one area and expensive toys in another corner. I thought it was a bit odd since they’d said they didn’t have any pets, but I kept going until I was outside. I noticed a fence surrounded their backyard and found the gate to head out but before I could leave, I noticed the bodies of 3 yellow lab puppies were poorly buried. I put the bike down and squatted to look at the dogs, when one of them whimpered and started to move. I panicked and pulled the pup from the dirt. The dog’s eyes flashed open and it started growling and barking at me. I noticed its’ eyes were extremely pale and the area around its’ mouth was extremely dirty despite the fact that its’ head wasn’t buried in the dirt. I jumped up and took to the door while watching it chase after me with the energy of someone seeking vengeance. I’m guessing the man knew I’d gone downstairs instead of taking the elevator as he was waiting for me by the door. He shut it just as I jumped into the pet room. The puppy slammed into the door but nothing was going to discourage this dog from getting into the house. I looked back up at the man and he simply sighed before saying, “he just won’t go.”

I woke up to someone trying to call me, but I’m still trying to figure out what the heck was going on. I’m not sure whether the dog was a zombie dog or maybe it just refused to die. It was just so aggressive.

I was gonna make a post but-

I’m exhausted mentally. Physically, I’m fine. But I’m tired. I’ve gone through a lot of emotions in the past week and I’m just trying to find the motivation to get out of bed. It feels like my medication is bottoming out at this point. I’m not feeling too different anymore.

I just wanted to give an update because I know I’ve been slacking a bit. I’ll try to end this with some positivity though. I bought crocs!

I hope y’all are having a great week and I’ll see y’all online~

Since my feet and hands tend to get cold I bought the plush kind.

40 minutes, 39, 39, 37…

I have to start getting ready for work in 40 minutes and I am spending that time watching Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman.

Last night, I meant to stay up longer than midnight since I don’t have work until 3pm today. I meant to stay up and do some story planning but I guess I was so tired from my 3 hour drive that I drifted off to sleep. I even drank some Red Bull (granted it was only half the can). I really need to stay away from that stuff. I woke up with some stomach pain from drinking too fast since I was trying to finish the can. Them things are expensive.

Also, it’s raining again. Which means the wifi at work is probably going to be acting up again. If it comes down to it, I can just use my hotspot, but I really hope it doesn’t come to that. I just want an easy shift so I can sleep easy tonight. I have another doctor’s appointment tomorrow to discuss how the medicine is doing. I thought about all the things I will have to tell her about, like how my extremities seem to be moving almost constantly at work. I’m either tapping my fingers or bouncing on the heels of my feet. I’ve started scratching at my head whenever I get anxious so I think I’m starting to get a little bit of dandruff. I’m waiting for a bald spot to appear any day now. My energy keeps fluctuating but I’m going to blame that on my sleeping schedule and the things that I’m eating and drinking. This morning, I woke up and decided that I need to lay off the sugar. And then I rolled over, took a swig of my Red Bull, ate half a chocolate bar, and drank a small cup of coffee. I can’t listen to myself for sh*t.

Okay, I need to go shower. I smell sweaty for some reason. Even though I sleep under a thick comforter and the AC isn’t always running. I, also, blame that for the reasoning behind my sleeping schedule. I’m comfortable almost the moment I lay down. It’s hard not to fall asleep underneath something so soft.

See y’all online~

8-21-20- Finally, a day off!

I’ve been so busy! I worked 8 days in a row and my body is so happy to have been able to sleep in this morning. I’ve also been keeping up with taking my medication and almost all the side effects have worn off. I still feel, relatively the same. I get anxious and end up tapping my fingers way more than what I did before I was anxious, so I feel like that might be a side effect. A few days ago, I woke up with little energy, drank some coffee, and then had way too much energy throughout the day. I felt a bit more focused and didn’t question myself as much but I had a bad stomach ache for most of the day. The next day I didn’t feel any different than what I did before I started the medication, aside from the excessive finger tapping. I really don’t know if this is the medication for me. I have an appointment next week to talk with the doctor about how the medication is doing, so I feel I may either be changing medication or she may want to wait a little longer to see how things turn out.

My cat has, officially, gone outside with my permission for the first time today. He’s been in the house long enough to know our scent which is what should have happened in the first place. He’s had waaay too much energy these past couple of days being so pent up in the house. He’s been waking me up around 5am each day this week. His litter box has been pretty strong which isn’t something I’m used to since he used to go outside whenever he’d explore. I just need to see how he does today.

My roommate and I have been enjoying our time playing Animal Crossing New Horizons! We friended a few people from NERDtorch back in Alabama and have been visiting their islands and trading fruits. I finally got all the stamps for the fruits which was a goal I had once Nickie G made her island and I found out she had fruit I needed. We swapped fruits and I helped her with some tools she couldn’t make, yet, and she gave me some cute clothes designs she made. I’m not a huge designer so I really don’t have any new patterns made.

Last night I had a dream I was at a convention and saw a bunch of cute Sailor Moon merch that I really wanted. I woke up deciding to get back into watching the show but I honestly don’t remember what episode I left off on.

Okay, I’m gonna end this here and get to watching some anime. I kinda want to take a nap and shave my hairy legs at some point today. Maybe I’ll get to that. See y’all online~

8-16-20 We have furniture

I have 30 minutes to write this update.

My roommate and I were gifted 2 couches from a family member of hers and they are lovely and plush. I just hope my cat doesn’t tear them apart.

I started on some medication on Wednesday. It’s Cymbalta and I’m only being attacked by side effects right now, so no update on feeling any better. It’s only been about 5 days, so I probably won’t feel a huge difference until later. Right now, I’m feeling anxious because I have to be at work in 2 & 1/2 hours, sleepy (for some reason), shaky, and every once in a while I’m hit with the slightest bit of nausea. My neck has been getting cold which is usually what happens when I’m super anxious, so that’s only worsening my anxiety. I feel like I can’t sleep well at night, either. Last night, my roommate and I were eating dinner and I felt very lethargic all of a sudden. I almost felt like I was going to fall asleep in my food. I had to put my food away in the fridge and lay down. My stomach was hurting and I felt a bit nauseous. I kept waking up throughout the night and I wasn’t feeling any better until about 9am this morning. I’m not looking at my medication with admiration like I thought I would.

I’ve been realizing how hard it is to feel at home in this new state. I’m only a few hours away from my family but I just feel so alone in this state. I haven’t made any friends outside of work and it’s not like I can just go out. I feel like my happy place is in my room which was where it was at my old house but I had more happy places. I had options and right now it’s been hard not being able to find more. I guess I like the laundromat but, in the end, it’s a short trip. Maybe an hour and a half at best, and then I’m back in my room. I feel so antisocial which is usually me, but worse. I like having the option to go out and talk to people face to face. This virus has trapped us all. I didn’t really understand that because I could at least see family, but now they’re too far away to hang out with.

Okay, I do have to end this here. I’m 8 minutes behind on getting ready (and I know I have all the time I need to get ready but I’m still anxious, ugh). I hate the afternoon shift. After about 4 hours, I start feeling genuinely trapped at work. Anyway, see you online~

8-10-20

Oof, I am Miranda (from Sex in the City). I was listening to her tell Steve he’d crossed over to her side of the bed and it immediately made me think of how territorial I am. My roommate and I have our own bathrooms and I get a little irky when I noticed she’s used my bathroom. Like, it’s a bathroom. Chill out.

I need to start getting ready for work. I’m doing the late night shift, again. So, this time, I plan to bring a bigger notebook and do some writing. I always get in the writing mood when I watch Sex in the City.

I just wanted to make this post really quick because it has just been a week and I am ready for the next 9 hours of work to be over. Hopefully things will go easily. Fingers crossed.