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Welcome!

I don’t know exactly how to start this introduction, so I’ll jump right into it! I go by IffyBiffy for two reasons: 1) A big part of the Username was a nickname my Mimi used to call me 2) and I’m almost always Iffy about something! I’m totally up for sharing about my problems with anxiety and the constant fight to keep my dark clouds away! Don’t be afraid to reach out to talk about either! 🙂

Anxiety about time

I’m not sure when this started, maybe when I was in elementary or middle school, but I seem to recall being petrified of being late. Or missing the bus. As I’ve grown, the thought of being late to things, work especially, has taken ahold of my alarm system in my head and on my phone. I used to just use my alarm clock and make sure I had both settings set to a similar time in case one didn’t wake me, but I don’t have that clock anymore. Now I have to use two alarms on my phone and one on my actual alarm clock because I’m anxious that I’ll wake up and the power will have gone out so my alarm won’t have gone off. But I always make sure I put my phone on charge, even if it’s at 50% because what if my phone dies in the middle of the night because the power went out and now I just won’t wake up?

What I find ironic is that I could probably just use my body’s sleeping schedule as an alarm. Often times, I’m awake by 730am. Now don’t get me wrong, if I have the day off I’m not getting out of bed until a few hours later. Still, I can’t trust that. Even if my body is so anxious that I always wake up early, what if I don’t? That’s always a haunting thought.

Another problem I seemed to have with time is the moment I wake up, I’m talking the first second I can even blink, I’m immediately looking at the time. I may have 3 alarms but what if I don’t wake up to them for some dumb reason? I don’t sleep through alarms. I’m so anxious about time that I usually wake up before the alarm or I jolt awake the minute the loud noise starts. Hell, I’ve caught myself jumping the moment I open my eyes and the first thought I have is “What time is it?”

Does anyone else struggle with this issue? I’ve struggled for years and I don’t want to worsen it like I have. Although it seems the anxiety over time has gradually taken hold on the matter.

7-2-20 Part 1 of Assessment

As I said in a previous post, I was going to get psychologically assessed to help to determine what the hell I’m dealing with. I won’t go far into detail because there are some things better left between the doc and I. Anyway, I went and saw her yesterday and it was the most pleasant doctors visit ever. Ignoring the fact that I was 10 minutes late cuz I could not, for the life of me, find the right building (in my defense there were many surrounding it). The doctor greeted me personally and offered beverages and snacks and then I did some paperwork before we jumped in.

I have to say, I was hella nervous at first. I’d been so focused on getting there in time since I had work earlier that I didn’t get a chance to rehearse what all I was gonna say. However, things worked it out, as they tend to do. I spilled all my delicious beans to her and she handled my green beans like the pro she is. She was super sweet and sympathetic and just all around awesome.

After explaining everything that I could think of her, including my family’s history with mental illnesses, she told me she had an inkling that it might be PTSD that I was dealing with. Judging by my symptoms which she wasn’t 100% that it was that because it also sounded like I was dealing with Anxiety, Depression, or possibly even ADHD. Since this was my first visit, she couldn’t say for sure. She wants to do some in person tests and I was given a personality assessment inquiry to fill out at home. The thing is 344 questions long… It took so long to fill out but I went ahead and got it over with since we will be meeting again on Monday.

I did explain that I will be moving in a couple weeks, so our next visit will be 1 1/2 hours long instead of just 50 minutes. By the way she sounded, I have a feeling we will know by the end of those minutes.

Okay, but I do kinda wonder about the ADHD. It would explain a lot. However, not many of my family members have actually gone and taken assessments, so the main thing I know that courses through our veins is a history of possible depression and anxiety. Most of my family just goes to their general practitioner and explains their issues. I don’t know if any of them have ever taken an assessment before. I guess I’ll do some digging.

I admit, I’m excited to see her again. She was so much fun and I felt like I could tell her anything. I pretty much did. I think my next step will be to get my twin brother to see her. I’ve told him about her and vice versa, so we will see.

Until then, I’ll see you online-

A Mental Assessment

I’ve posted before that I’ve been using BetterHelp for therapy and I talked with my therapist about taking medication. I’ve done this before but I went to a general practitioner for this. So, the medication I took was not very on point. I took Escitalopram and Lexapro which are basically the same thing. My therapist advised that I should go in for a psychological assessment to get a better idea of what medication I might need to try.

I’m nervous for this assessment since I know I’ll be asked questions that will force me to spill the beans I was planning to eat (I’m hoping someone understands that LiS reference). However, I’ll be recieving answers that I’m in desperate need of. I dont know if this is a bad phrase to say but I feel like I need to know the name. The label. I need to know what’s wrong so I can obsessively research ways to help myself. I need to find an answer because I desperately want to be someone I’ve thought about for years. I want to be outgoing and talkative and sometimes I can pull that off but there are days where I just can’t do it.

So, I’ve found a place to do assessments and I emailed them. The doctor that got back to me was fast and super sweet. I need to check the schedule for work and then I’ll be set to get an appointment in. It feels good to have that on the way. I feel a little optimistic, now.

Lemme get off my phone. I’m typing this while in the passenger seat of a moving car and I can feel a vague stomach ache coming on. See you online!

6-28-20

I’ve been around people enough this past week that I just need to be by myself. I’m excited to get back to my car so I can just drive around and blare some music to get my social meter fixed.

Last night I walked about a mile by myself in the middle of the night because I felt like I was going to lose it if I stayed around anybody for another minute. Actually, let me phrase that better. I wanted to talk and be around other people because I’d been around my boyfriend for 3 days straight. I know that sounds bad, but I’m huge on being by myself. Like, I know I am not into the idea of moving in with others or marriage because I love being by myself way too much. I can live with Nickie G because she understands what I need and doesn’t take it personally. She’s even looked into being helpful around introverts. She’s an extrovert but does have some similar introvert tendencies that I have so we both just seem to know when not to bother each other when we get into moods.
Nickie G does also have an interview on Friday. So readers, please give her good luck. I’m excited for her and I feel like she will get the job because of her awesome people-person personality. Like I said, she’s more extroverted than I am.

Also, i just want to thank my friends for reading my posts and sending me DMs on Twitter with lots of support! I truly appreciate it! This is the most successful time I’ve had with blogging. The past few times I’ve ended up ignoring the blog to the point of it becoming a ghost town but I believe me putting money into a Personal Plan has kind of forced me to get my head in the game. Anyway, thanks again for the support.

I’m gonna get back to sitting in my boyfriend’s car for another 4 hours to get home. I need to maybe write up some other things I’ve been thinking about.

Cheers folks! See you online-

6-23-20

Here are some things that I’ve been thinking about for the past month or two: Open relationships, why won’t my hair magically grow 6 inches, my mental health, how thick Henry Cavill is, am I Asexual, my mom and I are fighting again, and Avatar: The Last Airbender. 

It has been a rough few months in terms of all these thoughts. To start with, I have been thinking about open relationships because I came to realize that I really don’t like the idea of getting married. I’m into a more casual scene in terms of relationships. This has not gone over well with my boyfriend, which is entirely understandable considering he prefers monogamy. I felt pretty shitty, at first, when I discovered that I didn’t want a monogamous relationship. However, several of my friends and I have reminded me that I’m young and this is the time to figure myself out. That’s the point of going out and trying experiences, even if they may possibly end relationships. Actually, I still feel kinda shitty, but I know it will reduce over time. 

Also, why is my hair not magically super long the moment I want it to be?? I’ve had it in a pixie for about a year now and have decided to grow it out. It isn’t quite a bob yet but it’s getting there. I can make an itty-bitty ponytail out right now. I’d say it’s about the length of a power brush’s’ bristles.

This whole move next month has been taking quite a toll on mine and my roommate, Nickie G’s, mental health. I secured a job like I needed to, but she is currently working on that. We’ve got about 3 weeks until our declared move-in date for her to get a job. At this point, I want her to just accept anything. Even if she has to work in food service, it would be better than nothing. I think that’s really the main thing I’m worried about, aside from the fact that I need to transfer the title of my car from my mom’s name to mine. And we are currently not in speaking terms, apparently. More on that later. 

Anybody else get that Henry Cavill is too hot to look at feeling? I’ve been following a Witcher page on Facebook because I’ve gotten into the game, book series, and TV show and lemme jus’ say, the cast is hot as fuck! All of them. Everyone. 

So, I was talking to JB (the coworker I talked with about addiction) and I tend to tell him everything that’s going on in life. Like, everything. JB is like a foster dad to me. He reminds me of my dad, so having conversations with him is like having conversations with a ghost. Except he’s real and he brings me good wisdom and delicious food. I’m gonna miss him when I leave Alabama. Anyway, I was telling him about the whole open relationship shin-dig and he responded that for some people, open relationships were mainly about sex. I immediately responded with something I’ve been thinking about for a h-uge amount of time which was that it wasn’t about sex for me because I’m not a big fan of it. Now that I’ve had sex, I can say that I genuinely feel I can live without it. Which brings me back to a point I tend to visit often: am I asexual? Shoot, I’ve really felt like just going with ‘yeah, sure’ cuz it seems like it’s a quick answer to a long explanation. I’d rather just save my breath unless someone asks me to elaborate. Easy enough, me thinks.

My mom and I have been fairly silent for the past couple of days. Reason being, my mom and my step dad are heavy on the tinfoil hats and Republican flags and I can’t hold my fingers back from fact checking them and getting upset when they say “All Lives Matter” when they just keep sharing negative views of peaceful protests. At first, I admit, I ignored their posts because no one wants to fight their parents when they are in a good understanding. However, I found it increasingly difficult once my mom said a chunk of change from the BLM donations were going into Democrats pockets. Had to debunk that. Did it and she was not happy. She called me a tool and said I needed to open my eyes. My step dad asked what exactly my views were and my stance so when I responded that I’d already said all I needed to say to my mom, he got upset and apparently starting crying. Keep in mind, my mom was the one messaging me these things and she and my step dad were both drunk as hell! Granted, I admit I have not been super respectful in my responses but in my defense, I don’t really care anymore. I can see why sometimes violence can be the answer because being nice hasn’t gotten me anywhere. May as well unleash the keyboard warrior gene my dad bestowed upon me and have some fun while I’m still kicking dirt. Anyway, the main reason for my ignoring my mom isn’t because of our differences in politics and BLM stance. This is because my mom, while sloshed and hella confusing, got upset that I shared a lgbt post along with a George Floyd post. It’s pride month. Why not? I’m bi and, apparently, asexual so I wanted to let my friends know they don’t have to step on eggshells around me if they’re apart of pride. Anyway, to make a long story semi-short, when I first came out it was 2015-ish and I did so on Facebook while bashing my mom because she told my brothers, sister-in-law, and I that if I ever married a woman, she wouldn’t attend the ceremony. Within a week she had also told me I was a disappointment to the family and the reason for her thinning relationship with my grandparents (her parents). Also, that she and I would never have the same friendship we used to. This went on for some time and I blame the fact that mom is so easily manipulated by others. She acted this way because of her grandparents and because of this joke of a guy named Jeff she was dating who told her I was not accepted. Now, my step dad (who is most certainly not Jeff) forced an ultimatum on mom. Before they got married, mom had to accept my step dad’s gay son and go to his wedding. Suddenly, mom loves me for who I am. With no apology or real change. She supports me mentally and when I may need help financially but she has never really come onto record saying she loves her bisexual daughter (in exact phrasing) until the night she and I fought. Which was sometime last weekend? I admitted to her that the things she said back in 2015 hurt me and instead of apologizing she tried to say “I’m here for you now.” She tried to hit me that “Who has supported you when you came out” shtick but I shut that down with a comment that my old AP Bio teacher from high school actually commented on my coming out FB post with more acceptance than mom. Mom did try to message me; I think on accident/purpose while I was in Georgia last Monday. I say this because she sent some message saying “She was active 15 minutes ago” with zero context then hit me with that “oh sorry, wrong button. Love You” stuff. Still hasn’t said sorry. So, I’m not saying shit. I get it. I’m being petty, but I feel that in some degree, it is kind of justified. 

On a lighter note, has anyone else been re-watching Avatar: The Last Airbender? I’ve never fully watched it so I’m slowly flowing through the first season. I think I’m on episode 12. That’s some good stuff right there.