It’s just, recently, during my 30 minute car ride between going to Dollar General and going out of my way to waste gas and spend an extra $6+ on McDonald’s I had a deep conversation with myself. Yes, I did in fact talk, out loud, about a consistent problem I’ve been dealing with for beaucoup de years. Here is the problem: I don’t know if I ever want to be in a relationship that exceeds the basics (i.e. holding hands, only pecks on the lips and cheek, cuddling). Um, so I’ve had conversations with my previous partners before where the sentences usually go along the lines of:
Them: I’m going to go your speed on this relationship.
Me: Cool ‘cuz I move at a snails pace, just a warning.
-Fast forward about a month-
Them: Is it that you just don’t like me? Why won’t you let me -insert non basic form of affection here-.
Me: Because I’m just not comfortable.
Them: You’re just never going to be comfortable with me.
-In which case they take this personally and a break up is the usual result. Am I being unreasonable? I feel like I am because everyone at this age is either totally open and most people I’ve met have already had sex. I’m 21 and the literal thought of someone- even my current boyfriend- shoving their hand down my pants makes me hugely uncomfortable. All I can think of is an animation of me yelling, “No! Stop, I can do it myself.” Needless to say I know my body fairly well, but that doesn’t mean I should shun away the idea of sex, right? So, why am I like this? Why can’t I just be comfortable with the idea of my own boyfriend touching me.
The last time we hung out, he obviously wanted more than just the basics- which, to be fair, I think all he wanted was a make out session (or something to that effect)- but I was immediately uncomfortable and reminded him I had to go as my yawning was literally getting into the double digits and I still had a 35 minute drive home. He suggested I stay the night, for the umpteenth time, and I declined, once again. Something about a boyfriend asking me to stay the night just makes me really uncomfortable.
Okay, that is a total lie. I know exactly why that makes me uncomfortable. It’s because I feel like I’m going to be pressured into having sex and I just have a really bad problem with not being able to confidently say “NO.” I can say no, but only if I’m pushed to that line of discomfort that I just refuse to cross. I just hate that it has to get to that point, ya know?
Seriously, does anyone else have this problem? What is wrong with me? I just want to be normal, like all my other friends who seem to be comfortable with having sex and going through emotional relationships. I’m so confused and I sound like a 17 year old going through a life crisis!
That’s it. Thank you for coming to my IffyBiffy Talk and please share with me, your struggles as I feel really alone in this endeavor. Like I said, none of my friends seem to have this problem.