With every new job I get, the anxiety of not knowing what I’m doing or not doing it good enough comes along with it! Tomorrow, I will be on my own for the first time and I told myself on the drive home “When you get home, make a list of all the steps you need to take to complete your tasks in a fast manner” and I knew that would also help me remember all the tasks that I have to do. Do you know what I’m doing instead? I’m looking at stay at home jobs because my anxiety has pushed me so hard that I don’t want to leave the house. Or maybe it’s depression. I am unsure at this point.
I’ve noticed that every time I pick up my notebook to write, my stomach cramps and I put the notebook down, which makes my stomach cramp again. It’s almost like my anxiety is pushing and pulling me at the same time. Apart of me is worried that even after I write the list, I’ll still be gripped with anxiety and I’ll have wasted my time instead of spending it trying to relax.
I can’t relax, though. I talked with my mom about this, because our entire family has anxiety and depression issues so she knows and understands what I’m going through. The last time I talked to her about this, I’d had a bit of a break down and knew I needed help. She told me to meet her at a diner the next day and gave me money for doctor’s visits and medicine. At the time, I was lucky to make over $100 a week working at the pub, so when I told her I just didn’t have the money, she swooped in and did what moms do best. This time; however, she directed me to a cheaper route of going to (in training) counselors at our local college. My mom and step-dad are helping another family member out with their mental needs- won’t go too much into detail- so, it would be too expensive to add me on. I’m still unsure if I can afford it. This new job doesn’t do full time (not that I could physically or emotionally handle that) and I’m making 10 cents less than I did at my other job at the daycare. So far, I’ve worked about 12 hours this week and I’m already always so drained about 3-4 hours into my shift. I don’t know if I could handle another part-time job and it would be difficult to schedule sessions anyway.
I’m off on Monday and Tuesday so my brain just keeps telling me, get through tomorrow. Thing is, tomorrow is going to be too stressful for me to take any delight in the fact that I can sleep in for the next two days.
Okay, I need to end this anxiety throw up. Nickie G has been able to help ease some anxiety since I wanted to talk aloud about it but wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to someone. I’m still not into the whole, talking to people about my problems, thing. I take precious time during my car rides to talk out loud and hope for the best, but I have to say, it has helped. I guess this is just practice for talking to an (in training) counselor. I wrote everything down that I could, currently, think of to tell the counselor because I suck at remembering and I want to make the sessions count. Wish me luck, please!