A moment of clarity

How long will this last? Who knows. All I know is that I’m taking advantage of it because, as per my last post, I’m tired and I’m tired of making posts with such negative (although true- I cannot deny myself of my emotions) content.

Earlier today, as I was clicking through link after link of job applications I could fill out, I stopped and remembered something my boyfriend said to me yesterday. He told me to wait a few weeks at this job and see how I feel. If I still want to quit then, at least, I gave this type of job a shot. At the time of him telling me this, I was still incredibly anxious, so I just stored the advice to look at later. And, that’s just what I did while I stared at the multiple tabs of job listings on my laptop.

First, I thought about the reasons I even wanted the job to begin with: I wouldn’t have to do much talking, all I had to do was clean, and the hours weren’t too bad.

So, my brain asked, why do you still dislike this job even though it has almost all the qualifications of the type of job you wanted?

I had to think about the answer and even took the laptop off of my lap and coiled my fingers together.

It’s because I’m anxious. But I know the job isn’t as hard as I’m making it out to be. I mean, I’m cleaning. Granted, I need to be quicker but I only just started. So, I just need more shifts and I’ll be fine, just like all of the jobs I’ve had before.

And I just felt better. I let out a lot of the emotion I had stored up all day and felt so much more outside of my anxiety. As the hours had passed, I’d felt worse because the time to sleep was drawing near and I just couldn’t take the idea that I have work in the morning. However, now I don’t feel as anxious. Granted, I will be changing jobs soon, unless I’m just absolutely loving it. I hadn’t thought too far ahead of the type of work I was going into and now I’m stuck working hours I’m not as fond of, along with working weekends which were the only times I could see certain members of my family. I don’t know why I’d assumed I wouldn’t be working weekends and even at the time I was asked in the interview if I could. Of course, naive me just said yes because I was desperate.

Anyway, I will just power through until I find something that ticks my boxes. Maybe I’ll try and power through at least 3 months and see how I’m feeling. I’m not 100% on the game plan, yet.

P.S. I’m having some interesting pain in my left knee cap, so work should be fun. I’ve been told I’m damaging my knees because a gym teacher in high school, once, saw me W sitting. She warned that it wasn’t good for me but I ignored it because it’s almost always how I sit on flat surfaces. Well, I guess I may have to stop because after pulling my leg straight from the W position last night, the pain I endured stopped me in my tracks. šŸ˜¦

Published by iffybiffy

Hi! I started this blog to talk about exploring deeper into my mental health! I tend to understand things better as I write or type them down so there are time where things may not make sense to you but, fear not, it's just me understanding things. if you would like to get in contact with me, email me at iffybiffy100@gmail.com. See you online-

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