I’ve got more things on my mind than my birthday that’s coming up. I know I’m not going to be in the mood for people by then because I’m not in the mood for people now. That’s my logic, anyways. It’s not very soundproof or however you say it, but that’s what I’ve come to learn about myself. My boyfriend will be disappointed since we usually see each other at least once a week, but he’ll have to understand. If I force myself to be around people when I am desperate for separation, I just bury myself deeper into the pit. The last time I did this, I left his house early because of how drained I felt and cried on the way home. I still can’t seem to bring myself to really talk to him about my random ups and downs. It’s hard when you’ve been alone this long. I can’t exactly say what is scaring me most about talking to him about it. Maybe that he won’t understand or that he’ll take it personally. I think the latter is what I’m worried about most, that he’ll assume it’s his fault that I get so down and he’ll want to try and fix it which there’s always the chance he could worsen it. Of course, it wouldn’t be his fault. None of it is which makes me feel worse because my mood would be affecting him.
I’ve tried looking into what could be wrong with me but I’ve been to scared to do any self-diagnosing. I can’t pinpoint what it could be, either. My symptoms aren’t on point with anything specific.
I’ve come to realize that I’m everything like my dad, especially in talking about my feelings. I tend to bury them because they make me sad, so in turn, they’ll make others sad. I don’t like spreading it like some disease. I would like to talk to a psychologist about it though. I want to understand what’s wrong so maybe I can take control faster. Maybe I can start feeling like I have a chance in life, again.
If anyone would have anything, they can add to this, maybe that they’ve felt something similar, I’d really appreciate it. I feel so cruel when I cancel on friends or tell them I just don’t feel like hanging out. They tell me they understand and feel the same way sometimes, but it never seems to be the same extent as mine.