1-6-20

Today was rough. It didn’t start out that way. Actually, I had a great day at work. But an hour after I left work, everything just went downhill. I was trying to pay 2 bills while using McDonald’s Wi-Fi: my AUM bill and my water bill, when an old man came up to me and asked if I owned the blue Honda outside. I do, so I said yes. He then told me my right rear tire was flat. My face felt a mixture of hot and cold for a little while, I just ignored the problem. I had already paid the water bill but was, also, stressing over the fact that AUM’s payment site wouldn’t load for me. Eventually, I gave up and was forced to deal with the flat. So, I called up Nickie G. who was thankfully in the area to help me out. She was actually in the area because she’d finally went on a great date and had good sex. I’m so happy for her because she’s been in such a rut with shitty guys. Anyway, to cut the tire thing short cuz I’m absolutely tired of talking about it, I got two nails in my passenger side tires. The rear one was actually punctured so I had to get it patched but thankfully the front tire was fine. Although, now I’m all paranoid that my tires are going to go flat on me.

So, the thing I did want to talk about: the idea of marriage and whether I want it with Beau or not. The main reason I bounced into the topic from the one I had earlier about finding freelance jobs is because I’m still binging Sex in the City and I’m at the part where Charlotte goes haywire about getting married. At first, I kind of fell into the deep end of the idea because I was already thinking about the way he could ask me to marry him and the ring. I’d decided about halfway through my shift that I like the idea of the two of us mutually talking about getting married first. That way he knows I won’t say no. Then, maybe he could just randomly ask the question while we’re watching TV or laying in bed. And if he wants to buy an engagement ring, he can. I like the idea of them, but only because I’m still, somewhat, materialistic. I like the small ones too because they don’t get in the way and it’s a bit harder to break the gems out. I know at one-point Q, Beau, and I talked about one of those plain bands and apparently Q doesn’t like them. I don’t remember if I ever had the chance to put my 2-sense in about them but I’d be fine with one. So anyway, I finally started at the beginning of where I should have. I thought about it: “Why do I want to get married? What would be different from before I was married to now? I’ve been against the idea of marriage for years so what’s different now?”

The thing is, in Sex in the City they ask themselves these questions all the time. They dig deep down when it’s not even really necessary. That’s why I’m struggling because which question is really necessary? I’ve tried to answer them in the best way I can but I’m still not sure if I’m overthinking or not. I mean, I love Beau, so why not get married one day? There isn’t anything wrong with getting married cuz you love someone. Yesterday, mom told me that sometimes I may get annoyed with Beau for always trying to help me but he does it as one of the many ways to show me he loves me. What if me thinking about marriage is one of the ways I can show him and he can show me that we love each other? Isn’t that why everyone else gets married? And there’s nothing wrong with a change. If we ever get married, it could still be the same thing. The relationship would still be going but we’d be on another level.

Now I’m saying all of this but don’t be fooled. I don’t want to get married right this minute. 6 months is too soon for me. I know a few married couples and they all got married at different times. Mine just happens to need to be later in the relationship.

Oh! Before I go to bed, I need to add something that stopped me in my tracks. Before I’d thought about the idea of even getting married, I always had a recurring thought that’s incredibly depressing: I just want to die. I have that thought because I don’t have much going for me right now and I’m feeling dramatic. Also, I may be depressed but I won’t put a nail in that tire until the therapist agrees with me. So back to my initial thought. I haven’t thought about that depressing sentence in a while. I haven’t wanted to. I’ve got more to look forward to in my life. I’ve got Beau, I’ve got Nickie G and I moving (one of these days), I’ve got all these new experiences to look forward to and it’s so weird. I’m actually looking forward to things and one of them happens to be the idea that one day, I may get married.

Did I tell you mom likes Beau? I’m sure I did. But yeah. She likes him.

Published by iffybiffy

Hi! I started this blog to talk about exploring deeper into my mental health! I tend to understand things better as I write or type them down so there are time where things may not make sense to you but, fear not, it's just me understanding things. if you would like to get in contact with me, email me at iffybiffy100@gmail.com. See you online-

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