I have written my fears down. Actually, I typed them. I wanted to do it as an experiment on whether putting them out there will alleviate anything. We’ll see. I doubt it. The main thing that will alleviate any of my fears is if Nickie G will get a job in time. Or help pay the bills in time. I want to hop back on the “move to Opelika” bandwagon because I have just as many reasons, if not more, to move there than to move in with Brendan and Sarah in Tallassee. After all, Auburn is an interstates drive (or backroads if you’re me) away. It’s only a couple exits in and, boom, you’re in Auburn and the university is close by. I could go to school there just as much as I could at their Montgomery location (AUM).
Something else to note: my mind is more at ease, now. About a week ago, I started feeling that “random” uneasiness again. The one that makes me shut people out so I can take back control of my emotions. The one where I listen to music on the way to work like I do everyday but instead of singing along I just fall into my own head and drive on autopilot. Not safe, I know. I’m still scared I’ll be back to thinking that one shitty thought that always freaks me out. I want to be able to wake up and say “I have a reason to get out of bed today and even if I don’t that’s okay, too”. I can’t sometimes. Even work isn’t a good reason to wake up, okay. I like my job and my coworkers. Hell, my boss literally walked to the kitchen where me and the new girl (Zee) were stocking just to show us a cute video of a baby trying ice cream for the first time (you know, the one where the baby’s eyes grow and it grabs the scoop of ice cream with both baby hands). If that doesn’t tell you there’s no real tension between most of us, then I don’t know what will.
That’s why I have a plan, because making and executing plans is what helps me stay on track, and the plan is to go into that Auburn Psychological Services thing, figure out how to curb some/most of my anxiety, and then find a second job or go back to the Pub. I know most service industry jobs have a nice amount of time of work for someone who already has another job. However, a lot of later shifts don’t start till around 5pm and don’t end until maybe 10pm if you’re lucky. I’ve got to be at the first job by 5am, earliest. That’s not a healthy amount of sleep to me. I mean, it takes about 35 minutes for me to reach home and what if I have to do laundry? Then I have to wait until I can put my clothes in the dryer and then I have to lay down and try to fall asleep for another 30 minutes to an hour. I have found that I don’t function well without my 6-8 hours of sleep. Speaking of which, I’m only up so late-ish cuz I napped for, roughly, a couple hours. It’s gonna take a little longer for me to fall asleep now but that’s what I get for getting home around noon-ish after being up since 3:30am.
Maybe I can convince myself to read past page 50 of “Dear Edward” so mom won’t beat me again for this new book we’re both reading. We’ve been doing this for about a year or so. We pick a book, read it on our own terms, and then try to keep an eye out for the movie. Last book we read was “Where the Crawdads Sing” which doesn’t have a movie, yet. It was so good, though! And before that book we read “The Art of Racing in the Rain” which does have a movie and is one of the only movies I’ve ever watched where I can officially say it was almost better than the book! They made a big change to a plot point in the movie that I feel like made more sense than what the book did. Although the dog dreaming about talking wasn’t in the movie cuz they made changes but that’s okay. I felt like the movie served justice well enough.
Okay, but for real, I need to sleep. Or read. Not typing nonsense on a laptop while Dodie plays in the background. Actually, I might keep the Dodie part. She’s too good not to play. She’s versatile. I listen to her when I’m up and when I’m down!
Okay, good night!