As I’m typing this journal, there is a giant rat chewing something in the wall of the bedroom my roommate and I share. Not even 3 feet from that spot in the wall where that stupid, fat rat is chewing, there is a spotty outlet. Can you see the bad things I’m thinking about, right now? Can you hear the thoughts in the back of my head?
I should get pest control out here again. And I will, once I get the money. I’m hoping that’s by next month. My stomach hurts, though.
I wish we could move.
I wish I had more money.
I wish I could get my life together. And stop feeling so disappointed in myself.
I can feel myself comparing and contrasting.
God, it sucks to suck.
The rat is making me go crazy. I’m suddenly hating myself more than usual. Every time I hear it chewing on something, I can feel myself drawing in and I feel like tonight would have been a wonderful time to drink and cry out some oppressed feelings.
I had plans to see a therapist after putting myself on that wait list for Auburn’s Psychological Services but after my phone number changed and I was offline for a week, I’m pretty sure they tried to call me again and shot me off the list. I should have expected this. And the more I think about it, the more I have to tell myself that I really need to save all the money I can get if I want us to move. But, god, do I think about the help I want from those services.
To sum up my day (because that’s partially what this journal is for, anyways) I worked for 6 hours doing breakfast, came home and changed clothes, went to Snappy’s Tire and Auto to pay $341 and some change for 4 new tires, and went home and relaxed. I also finished the first season of Sex Education which ended wonderfully and I can’t wait to download the next season. I’m on the second episode of The Witcher because my mom really wants me to watch it even though fantasy isn’t really my genre. I find it really annoying to learn a whole new world. This would be funny if you could understand how my brain thinks. Hell, half the time, I don’t.
Nickie G came home to get some new clothes and fix a highlighter palette that was smashed due to someone not writing FRA-GEE-LEE on the package. She has a new job that she starts tomorrow and I’m so proud of her! She’s got the personality and the strength to work at that bar so I had no doubts about the interview.
Also, while I was at work doing “fun” front desk stuff on Thursday, Beau came in and delivered a sequined covered box of chocolates in the shape of a heart. At the time of looking at them, all I could think was how sweet he is and now when I look at the box, I just think of all the money he’s spent on me. It hurts my stomach to think of the few things I’ve bought for him. He’s so much more put together than I am. Than I ever will be, probably. He knows what he wants in life, has a goal. All I have is an Associates in nothing special and no immediate plans for anything new in life. Beau wants me to have dinner with his parents and I can’t help but imagine us all around the table with me having nothing to offer while they ask me questions like “What do you want to be when you grow up” or “What can you offer to our son?” All I ever want to do is write about the shit that I feel or write about my dad’s memories. I imagine telling them that and then my grandparents words coming out of his parent’s mouths about getting a back-up job or just changing direction to something more solid, altogether. His parents will look at me and think, “Who is this child? She’s got no prospects and nothing to offer. Her life is a mess.”
I know I’m partially thinking all of this because that’s how I see myself. I’m pretty sure a therapist would tell me that.
You know, sometimes I still get those urges to run. I want to run from everyone and everything. Just be by myself and deal with my own problems because everyone has them and no one needs to be dealing more than their share.
I wish I was more of a normal person. I know some people would say my flaws build my character but there’s more than enough flaws for one person in this character.
Or maybe I’m just being dramatic and I’ll feel better after eating actual food and drinking something other than caffeine.