I feel stupid. Dumb. Unable to retain important information. I feel slower than others. And it is so stupid that I find comfort when I meet someone who struggles more or the same as me. I feel that sense of seniority over being the lesser stupid. How, absolute, garbage is that? Oh, and you know how I try to make myself feel better? I, fucking, imagine myself as my perfect OC, Lily, who is being told that everything is going to be okay and whoever is comforting her offers to make things better. Hell, when I’m having money issues, I imagine Lily’s friends offering to pay for things while real world me is making do like the adult I should be. In the real world, I cry, drink, and smoke to let out my emotions. In my head, I’m talking about my problems as a completely different person so my solutions are just as different compared to the real ones. There is no rich parent to pay the tuition for college or best friend who is on call 24/7 to come see me when, only, I need them (I mean, I have friends I could call but this bitch is not gonna call someone at 3am because of something that’s minor compared to how I’m making the problem out in my head). It’s like, sometimes I make problems worse than they are in my head so I can pretend a character is there comforting me (really Lily).
I have such a weird train of thought that causes me to say and do things that are confusing to others. I blame no one but myself for creating this OC and having her envelop my life and becoming apart of how I think. I know I’m me and I know she is this character in my head. I created this OC to contrast me as the kindergartner who had no friends because I was too shy to talk to anyone. I would tell this character in my head stories to feel comfort. She was my imaginary friend until I, eventually, talked to someone and developed actual bonds with actual people. Instead of dumping my imaginary friend like I should have, I kept her in my head. She was the first friend I had and for some reason I became too attached to let her go. Instead, I added her into moments in my life. She was a background character that silently experienced the same things I did but with more drama and romance and all the issues I never had resolved were resolved with ease for her. I used to use her when I would write fanfiction and I daydreamed for hours whenever I had the chance. I could spend hours just laying in bed and sometimes I would play music for the background noise in her scenes. I remember some of my closer friends developing their own OCs just to have fun and, like a normal person, they dropped theirs in favor of reality. I hold a memory of this, especially close. One of those friends told me I couldn’t live in my head forever, pretending to be someone I’m not, and she is still very much right. So, why can’t I just snap out of this haze like they did? I grew to have friends and I created Lily to have a friend; therefore, I should have no need for this silly imaginary friend.
A few separate times, I tried to get rid of her. There was one time when I pretended, she died but she eventually came back, as she always does. Another time, I was so angry at myself for being this way that I vowed to never daydream and I didn’t for, roughly, 48 hours before I fell back to my usual habits. I don’t get it. I want her gone and, yet, I don’t seem to want her gone enough for her to leave on her own. I told myself that I would have to get rid of her by college because I needed to be able to focus but that never happened. I can tell I daydream much less and as good as that is, it still isn’t enough. I tend to notice that I don’t think about her as much when I’m very busy or in the middle of stressing. However, I’m not going to put myself in stressful situations just for her to be gone for that period of time. I just don’t get it. Why am I still stuck on this? I’m an adult with actual problems and I’m still stuck in my head like I’m waiting for someone else to fix my problems.
I’m mental, I guess. This is why I wanted to be on that list for the cheaper therapy sessions. I can’t live like this forever. It’s absolutely ridiculous and not something I want hanging over my head throughout life.