I’ve always known that I have pretty bad anxiety over important events, work, breaking any kind of code, any kind of closeness, money, and time. I’m especially anxious when it comes to time. That’s why, I would love the ability to control time. It seems like a wonderful way to control all of the things that make me anxious. However, when I think about it, I probably won’t make it past the first few times I would pause time to fix something. Or if I paused time to go do something and I just wouldn’t want to stop it. I would be especially bad about taking naps and not wanting to press play on life.
That’s a bit of how I felt this morning. I was spending the night at Beau’s house and after he went off to school for the morning, I watched some YouTube videos and then dozed. I woke up for a few minutes when he came home but I was just too tired to get up so I slept for a bit longer. Then, when it was almost noon, I told myself to get up and spend time with him even though I was still groggy. I love him, but it just always seems like I’m so tired. I know it’s just that I’m not taking care of myself all that well. It’s hard, though, to buy the expensive foods with actual nourishment and drinking water is boring (ha). I pretty much fuel myself with coffee and ramen which is fine if you’re doing it every once in a while, but not every day. I, also, need a better sleeping schedule. Plus, all I do is lay in bed and watch videos. I’ve become obsessed with downloading Netflix episodes when I have Wi-Fi and then watching them later in bed. Sadly, there are so many TV shows taking up my life right now. There’s Sex Ed (which I’ve turned Beau onto), Carole and Tuesday, The Witcher, The Good Place, etc. Just so many good shows out there!
Anyway, so I was super anxious the other day because my boss asked me to pull my first 7am-3pm shift by myself and I didn’t feel ready. I felt de-ja vu from when my old boss from the Pub asked me to do my first weekend serving shift so early because someone called out and when I told him I didn’t feel ready he told me that it didn’t matter because he needed me and that he’d give me a small section. My current boss also helped me out. He asked the 11pm-7am coworker to stay with me until things died down. Well, just like that shift at the Pub, I over-sweated this one and it ended up being super easy. I ran into very minimal problems and even though the coworker who stayed with me stayed just about the entire shift (he literally left an hour and a half before the end of my shift) I didn’t have to bug him with a lot of questions and I did just about everything to keep him from feeling like he was doing too much work. I made sure to thank him a bunch of times because he was here for over 12 hours, man! I could tell he was tired and hungry too and it didn’t help that one of the groups that stayed with us came in with Olive Garden which smelled amazing. Regardless, I feel so silly for overthinking situations like that. I barely slept the night before and it was all for nothing. I hate doing that.
I’ve also come to realize that I am someone who does not express their emotions in the healthiest way. I mean, writing is fine, but I find it so difficult to talk to people when I’m feeling down. I will go out of my way to avoid letting people know that I’m not mentally up just because I really don’t want people to worry about me which is why I post on here. It’s a great outlet and I can usually start to feel up again within the next day or so after I’ve typed and cried out any pent-up emotions. Again, it isn’t the healthiest thing to do but it is the cheapest thing since I still don’t have the money for counseling sessions. A problem that I can foresee from doing this is that I don’t tell others how I’m feeling and I imagine that can worry others who might have noticed a change in my demeanor or notice when I’m not feeling that great. I’m trying to get better about that but I’m always so worried I’ll just word-vomit all over them and they will feel awkward and just like with crying in front of people, I don’t want to make them feel awkward or feel like they don’t know what to do. It’s not their job to know what to do so why push my emotions onto them. Sure, most of my friends can and will give me advice but I still feel like I’m being rude by burdening them. I am afraid to be put in the “burden” category. I’m always afraid I’ll get judged for every choice I make which just makes the choices harder. This is made obvious by the fact that Chidi is my favorite character on The Good Place because I understand his struggle to decide along with applying the morals. I want to be a good person but it isn’t always in me to make those good decisions. Actually, it is in me but I make the bad choices, anyway. That is another part of me I notice. Sometimes I’m left with a moral decision that makes no sense on why I shouldn’t choose the good decision. It’s usually an easy decision but for some reason, I’ll fight it and try to reason that I don’t have to be good. But, why not be good. The only reason to do bad would be to inconvenience others and usually you end up inconveniencing yourself. Then, there’s that chance where you could get stuck in the “doing-bad” loop and, eventually, you become a bitter person that no one wants to be around, not even yourself.
Okay, enough existential crisis for the day. I want to get back to my Netflix shows. Bye for now!