Potential

I’ve thought about this relationship and how much potential it carries.

Isn’t that such a nice word? Potential.

I’ve never had a relationship with potential before. It’s so exciting that it’s scary. I know that sounds weird but that’s the best way I can describe it. I’m fascinated at how thoroughly changed I have become. I’m not there, yet. I’m getting there though. I think about marriage and what it’ll be like but not quite how to go about it. I’m getting an idea of how you are in the house and what you prefer and I’m slowly getting an idea of how I like to be in your apartment. My house is a goner and isn’t worth putting repairs into but I still try to keep it clean, so I’m not sure how I’d be in a home I’d feel worthy of putting my time into. That’ll be a fascinating experience. 

I’ve thought about a marriage, like I mentioned earlier. I have always struggled with attention and in every movie with a wedding, the guests turn to the bride during her walk down the isle and my gut wrenches at the thought of that ever being me. I like the idea of standing across from you but not so many eyes being on us. I don’t like unwanted attention. It makes my cheeks flush and people will, no doubt, point it out as if I don’t feel an extra 10 degrees prickling underneath my skin. I should get over it, though. It would be a wedding, so people are gonna stare. Duh. Oh, I sound like Billie Eillish. It’d be cool to have her at my wedding. Nah, then she’d get upset over unwanted attention. I’ve always been a bit interested in her fashion sense. 

I’m getting off topic. Or onto another one. Babies. Kids. Teenagers. Young adults. Easy to take care of on the Sims. Difficult and expensive in real life. However, working with them has given me a real appreciation and understanding for parents who raise their kids. And also, there is a small part of me that wants them. Hell, I’ve glorified the idea enough that my maladaptive daydreams are filled with characters getting married and having kids. It’s my outlet so I don’t jump onto the topic myself. I don’t mind thinking about it but I can’t bring myself to start the conversation in real life. 9 months is too early in the relationship to me. 

Year 1 is the Are We A Good Fit stage. Year 2 is a bigger trial on more than just love. You can’t fix all the problems you go through with love. There has to be some sort of understanding, talking, boundaries, etc. No cold shoulders. No blaming and over-defensiveness. Real talk. Work. Think to yourself, ‘Is this worth it to put time and effort?’ That’s always an important question because no one wants to find themselves 3 years in and just putting love into an equation meant for trust and understanding. 

I don’t know who wrote the quote but I heard it on a CYN music video and their words always echo in my head when I face a problem while dating: “Love requires you to meet the challenge of dealing with another human being.” I think this quote should stick with everyone. The quote’s whole is true. I never understood what it meant until there were times that I had to sacrifice my solitary personality because I wanted to learn and be with my S.O. I’ve pushed my solitary behavior away because I don’t want to enjoy it anymore. I want to enjoy the thought of simply sitting next to him. And I do.

I enjoy our Kroger trips a lot. Or really any shopping trip. I’m not sure why, I just get a kick out of watching him shop and make food puns. I think about shopping for us as one day we may live together. And… to a degree… I like the attention we may get from people as they identify us as a couple. I think that’s different from the eyes of wedding guests. You don’t know 99% of the strangers that take a glance at the two of you walking down the aisle before looking back down at the 5 for $5 deal going on in the meat section.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I think all these things is just because he’s my longest relationship and then I worry that might be true. I wonder if others have these thoughts and I don’t like them. I want to believe this has potential. Because it does. It only doesn’t if one of us stops believing we don’t have potential. I can’t put a Happily Ever After spin on this. Real life doesn’t work that way. So, until one of us stops believing in our relationship’s potential, I believe we can make it through and achieve the goals we set. 

Published by iffybiffy

Hi! I started this blog to talk about exploring deeper into my mental health! I tend to understand things better as I write or type them down so there are time where things may not make sense to you but, fear not, it's just me understanding things. if you would like to get in contact with me, email me at iffybiffy100@gmail.com. See you online-

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