Nothings worse to me than starting the day feeling up but not even going 2 hours in and going down. I walked like my counselor suggested and on the walk I told myself I needed to focus on me and not daydream. So I compromised and daydreamed that I was hanging out with Henry Cavill and Freya Allan cuz why not. (Sorry celebrities who don’t know me, but you’re helping) Somehow, my imagination got onto my traumas. I explained to them about the times my uncle tommy made me uncomfortable and a man named Jim who used to go to a church up the road from my house touched my butt when I was a teenager. At the time of daydreaming all of this, I was still jokey and my down side was creeping in. By the second hour, I’d showered and began feeling miserable. I told my counselor all of this in a chapter long message (sorry counselor) and she admitted that her specialty wasn’t sexual abuse but she did think that I needed therapy so there’s that.
Another thing she suggested is that I take 20 minutes of no electronics time and write. Ultimately, she wants me to do like an hour or two no electronics and write in those 20 minutes but I’d probably take the entire 2 hours to write. Which is what I’ve been doing most of my day. I’ve written page after page of random thoughts and I expected to feel so good. I do, to some degree, but I feel worse to another degree. I feel I need to be by myself, or talking to a therapist. I’ve kept these problems in for so long because I never really considered them big issues. I assumed I got over them. Them and all the classmates I had who objectified me and my ex boyfriends who made me so uncomfortable. I know how Aimee from Sex Education felt when she was dealing with her trauma from the man on the bus. Batting the thought off at first but knowing I need to fix it eventually.
Something has to change.