6-23-20

Here are some things that I’ve been thinking about for the past month or two: Open relationships, why won’t my hair magically grow 6 inches, my mental health, how thick Henry Cavill is, am I Asexual, my mom and I are fighting again, and Avatar: The Last Airbender. 

It has been a rough few months in terms of all these thoughts. To start with, I have been thinking about open relationships because I came to realize that I really don’t like the idea of getting married. I’m into a more casual scene in terms of relationships. This has not gone over well with my boyfriend, which is entirely understandable considering he prefers monogamy. I felt pretty shitty, at first, when I discovered that I didn’t want a monogamous relationship. However, several of my friends and I have reminded me that I’m young and this is the time to figure myself out. That’s the point of going out and trying experiences, even if they may possibly end relationships. Actually, I still feel kinda shitty, but I know it will reduce over time. 

Also, why is my hair not magically super long the moment I want it to be?? I’ve had it in a pixie for about a year now and have decided to grow it out. It isn’t quite a bob yet but it’s getting there. I can make an itty-bitty ponytail out right now. I’d say it’s about the length of a power brush’s’ bristles.

This whole move next month has been taking quite a toll on mine and my roommate, Nickie G’s, mental health. I secured a job like I needed to, but she is currently working on that. We’ve got about 3 weeks until our declared move-in date for her to get a job. At this point, I want her to just accept anything. Even if she has to work in food service, it would be better than nothing. I think that’s really the main thing I’m worried about, aside from the fact that I need to transfer the title of my car from my mom’s name to mine. And we are currently not in speaking terms, apparently. More on that later. 

Anybody else get that Henry Cavill is too hot to look at feeling? I’ve been following a Witcher page on Facebook because I’ve gotten into the game, book series, and TV show and lemme jus’ say, the cast is hot as fuck! All of them. Everyone. 

So, I was talking to JB (the coworker I talked with about addiction) and I tend to tell him everything that’s going on in life. Like, everything. JB is like a foster dad to me. He reminds me of my dad, so having conversations with him is like having conversations with a ghost. Except he’s real and he brings me good wisdom and delicious food. I’m gonna miss him when I leave Alabama. Anyway, I was telling him about the whole open relationship shin-dig and he responded that for some people, open relationships were mainly about sex. I immediately responded with something I’ve been thinking about for a h-uge amount of time which was that it wasn’t about sex for me because I’m not a big fan of it. Now that I’ve had sex, I can say that I genuinely feel I can live without it. Which brings me back to a point I tend to visit often: am I asexual? Shoot, I’ve really felt like just going with ‘yeah, sure’ cuz it seems like it’s a quick answer to a long explanation. I’d rather just save my breath unless someone asks me to elaborate. Easy enough, me thinks.

My mom and I have been fairly silent for the past couple of days. Reason being, my mom and my step dad are heavy on the tinfoil hats and Republican flags and I can’t hold my fingers back from fact checking them and getting upset when they say “All Lives Matter” when they just keep sharing negative views of peaceful protests. At first, I admit, I ignored their posts because no one wants to fight their parents when they are in a good understanding. However, I found it increasingly difficult once my mom said a chunk of change from the BLM donations were going into Democrats pockets. Had to debunk that. Did it and she was not happy. She called me a tool and said I needed to open my eyes. My step dad asked what exactly my views were and my stance so when I responded that I’d already said all I needed to say to my mom, he got upset and apparently starting crying. Keep in mind, my mom was the one messaging me these things and she and my step dad were both drunk as hell! Granted, I admit I have not been super respectful in my responses but in my defense, I don’t really care anymore. I can see why sometimes violence can be the answer because being nice hasn’t gotten me anywhere. May as well unleash the keyboard warrior gene my dad bestowed upon me and have some fun while I’m still kicking dirt. Anyway, the main reason for my ignoring my mom isn’t because of our differences in politics and BLM stance. This is because my mom, while sloshed and hella confusing, got upset that I shared a lgbt post along with a George Floyd post. It’s pride month. Why not? I’m bi and, apparently, asexual so I wanted to let my friends know they don’t have to step on eggshells around me if they’re apart of pride. Anyway, to make a long story semi-short, when I first came out it was 2015-ish and I did so on Facebook while bashing my mom because she told my brothers, sister-in-law, and I that if I ever married a woman, she wouldn’t attend the ceremony. Within a week she had also told me I was a disappointment to the family and the reason for her thinning relationship with my grandparents (her parents). Also, that she and I would never have the same friendship we used to. This went on for some time and I blame the fact that mom is so easily manipulated by others. She acted this way because of her grandparents and because of this joke of a guy named Jeff she was dating who told her I was not accepted. Now, my step dad (who is most certainly not Jeff) forced an ultimatum on mom. Before they got married, mom had to accept my step dad’s gay son and go to his wedding. Suddenly, mom loves me for who I am. With no apology or real change. She supports me mentally and when I may need help financially but she has never really come onto record saying she loves her bisexual daughter (in exact phrasing) until the night she and I fought. Which was sometime last weekend? I admitted to her that the things she said back in 2015 hurt me and instead of apologizing she tried to say “I’m here for you now.” She tried to hit me that “Who has supported you when you came out” shtick but I shut that down with a comment that my old AP Bio teacher from high school actually commented on my coming out FB post with more acceptance than mom. Mom did try to message me; I think on accident/purpose while I was in Georgia last Monday. I say this because she sent some message saying “She was active 15 minutes ago” with zero context then hit me with that “oh sorry, wrong button. Love You” stuff. Still hasn’t said sorry. So, I’m not saying shit. I get it. I’m being petty, but I feel that in some degree, it is kind of justified. 

On a lighter note, has anyone else been re-watching Avatar: The Last Airbender? I’ve never fully watched it so I’m slowly flowing through the first season. I think I’m on episode 12. That’s some good stuff right there. 

Published by iffybiffy

Hi! I started this blog to talk about exploring deeper into my mental health! I tend to understand things better as I write or type them down so there are time where things may not make sense to you but, fear not, it's just me understanding things. if you would like to get in contact with me, email me at iffybiffy100@gmail.com. See you online-

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