(Warning, yes, I’ve totally been drinking a bit)
Good evening, readers, fellow internet friends, and people I’ve met in person. I’m here to relay to you my diagnosis from the Psychological Assessment Center. It appears I am suffering from PTSD and Anxiety (phobia related and general), and Depression. I can finally stop self-diagnosing and assuming. After scoring the PAI, it came back with descriptions of myself that matched to a capital T. It even summarized that I’m not really sure what direction I’m going in life and that I tend to have introverted behaviors. Granted, if you’ve met me, the introverted behaviors would be obvious but this machine has not met me and, yet, my answers were enough for it to know as if I’d told it my whole life story. Technology is so interesting.
So, my next steps, you may have asked? Trauma therapy and medication. I’m unsure of who I’ll be doing the therapy with since Nickie G and I will be moving next week but whoever they are will probably be the one to see me spill more than just words. I’ve been avoiding crying or showing too much emotion because it feels like too much to show. I’ve never been huge on showing weakness. I think I get that from my dad. It usually requires me being inebriated.
~~~~~ TW- Sexual Assault
Last week, I had a nightmare I was sexually assaulted by a man I’ve never seen before while I was at work. No one took me seriously, even after I begged them to call 911. I, eventually, had to do it and tried explaining that I would be going with an ambulance to the coworker at the front desk but she just shrugged things off. And something I’ve noticed since I had that nightmare is that I’m a lot jumpier. Strangers talking to me makes me more uncomfortable, men especially. Normally, at work I tend to get hit on, roughly, once a week since there are a lot of new guests each day. I used to not really care about it but now it bothers me. Cars passing by me when I walk up to the church where my dad is buried catches me more off guard. There was a white van driving behind me the other day and I planned to pull over at the church I previously mentioned to make sure it wasn’t following me, but it turned on another road before I had to do that. I have to say, that nightmare really fucked up my mental standing.
Jumping to a different topic. Tomorrow is my last day at work. I’m pretty sad about it considering I have a really good team. Everyone works fairly well with one another. I hope everyone at my new job is as cool as them. My current boss joked that I can’t leave because I know too many things. Normally, I try not to brag but it comes with the territory since I, literally, know how to do almost every shift in that building. I like to think of myself as a powerhouse with anxiety. I can do a good job, but I still make some fuck-ups here and there.
I need to get some sleep. I feel emotionally and physically exhausted. See you online, folks~