I used to get really down in the dumps at the most random of times. I’d be telling myself, “I’m gorgeous” one minute and then drinking cheap wine as I scroll through social media and see people who are doing better than me. Sometimes, I can tell when the “down” is about to hit, other times it just smacks me in the a** like beach waves. (Some of my deceased family members reading this will get that reference) However, I started back on my medication a few months ago and I haven’t been genuinely down in so long. Until now, that is. I thought it was a faux “down” because I was so up yesterday as I spent an amazing day with a friend of mine and then I came home and went from the slow sink of quicksand to a hasty drop into one of Team Rocket’s fake pits. I started thinking about true love and what that felt like. And whether I should be doing open relationships when I don’t love them in a relationship kind of way but I love their presence and being. I love them as friends but act different with them than my other friends. Confusion. Yes.
God, I can never seem to understand myself. Right now, I feel nothing except the warmth of coffee which I’ve been avoiding all last weekend.