For as many years as I can remember, I’ve been detached and vaguely empathetic. I didn’t want to get close to others and have to open up about my issues. For a long time I thought I could actually live like that. I could, somehow, find a good person to date and we could be together without any issues. We could skip all the discourse because I would avoid getting attached and would be able to see clearly when an issue was rising. But that’s not how that works and deep down, I knew that. I tried, through several relationships, to remain neutral and not become attached. I rarely spoke of my past trauma and I thought I was being smart. I thought, “This is such a normal thing, right? To not be that attached to my significant other. But I’m sure I love them, deep down.” I thought the reason I wasn’t that attached was because we hadn’t been together as long as other couples or if we had been together long, I thought it was still normal. I would look at other couples and hear them talk about how they missed each other when one had to go to work. I used to think, “Wow, you’re kinda dramatic. They’re just another person. You two can be separated and it not be a big deal.” But this was all because I never bothered to connect with my past relationships. Well, that’s mostly true. I seemed to connect with one and fell madly “in love”, I think is the term to use. I would think about them constantly and when they broke up with me, I just chose detachment even quicker.
For years, I could never understand people. I thought I lacked the ability to fall in to this type of love where I would risk my entire being to be with that person and if we didn’t work out I’d have to rebuild myself. Because of this, I’ve had difficulty understanding who I really am and who I want to become in life. All my emotions, actions, thoughts, are constantly being stirred in a big pot in my head. They are set to the side while I daydream about love stories I will never have because I am not the person I thought I didn’t need to be. I could never understand why the stories were so good in my head but I could never emulate them in real life. I didn’t act like the main character. I didn’t open up or show too much emotion. I laughed the other day when I finished reading a historical romance novel and learned the people in that time often had to act detached and show minimal expression. The real me would have fit in well, there. Or the fake me? I’m not sure anymore.
I think I should say the old me. Because I don’t want to think that way anymore. I want to be present in this world, now. I want to choose my emotions and actions and fix what I’ve broken. The reason I found out that this was even possible was because I chose to come back to singularity. I realized my detachment issue was going to be a slow burn that could possibly kill my current relationships if I didn’t take action. I need to be single so I can focus on small attachments. So, I can make little steps and open up. For so long, even while I was in relationships, I would feel so alone and detached. I decided that this probably means I need to understand myself more before I make the effort to understand others. I don’t know myself well enough to be in a relationship. To be frank, I’ve always enjoyed being single, so this isn’t an issue for me. I was recently asked by one of my new favorite people if I enjoy being single (no she wasn’t being rude) and I told her that I do because I’m a selfish person. But, am I really? Or am I just using that as an excuse to hide my detachment? I think I’m with the latter.
If I seem like I’m silent for a long time, I’m just working on myself. I’ve already got my confidence levels up! I’m to the point where complete strangers will try to hit on me at work thinking they are smooth and going to get that blush outta me but then I hit them with that “I know I’m cute” line and they kinda pause for a second. It’s hilarious, but also… I am cute so shut up.
Anyway, that’s all for now. Peace out!