1-3-20

I’ve decided that for my next Christmas present, I want the complete set of Sex in the City. Half of the disks freeze up and I haven’t even seen the full episode where Samantha learns she has breast cancer. 

Speaking of breasts, mine still hurts and I ended up taking a nap right after I got home from work so sleeping’s gonna be even harder to do. Okay but also, my legs are so hairy right now that if I rub them together it actually hurts. My hair is actually abrasive! The main reason is because shaving in the shower where it’s clogged and the only light we have in the bathroom comes from the lamp that’s connected to an extension cord because our outlets haven’t worked in either bathrooms for several months sucks at showing hair on legs. Our outlets stopped working on the left side of the kitchen so, yay, more extension cords! Anyway, I kinda want to shave my legs now, but that would mean either one of two things: I hop in the shower and end up washing my hair like I usually do which will cause my hair to puff up or I will have to shave in the tub and I don’t get hot water there. No one likes a cold-water shave. Or even cold water on their skin.

Okay, so tomorrow my family is doing a late Christmas at the grandparents and I can feel the questions bubbling up from my mom’s mouth already. She’s gonna bring him up to grandma and grandpa, I know it. I need to wear the new make-up trick I just tried to avoid the reddening of my face as all eyes will fall on me. God, I have such a love/hate relationship with attention. Gimme attention, but on my terms. 

On another note, I’ve been thinking of quitting work, recently. I have multiple good reasons but the thing is, they’re about to train me at the front desk, and I like the schedule they have mean on. The problems, though, stack up. First, I only make $400 (if I have a long week) a paycheck and I only get two paychecks a month. That’s not enough for rent, plus bills, plus gas and groceries, and savings. Second, I miss having my weekends and a set schedule. I like knowing when I come in and when I leave without having to wait for a schedule every couple of weeks. Third, for as hard as I work, I don’t feel like I get enough hours, nor am I paid enough. I mean, $8.15 an hour when I know how to do two jobs, now?! I think I want a job where I’m paid a minimum of at least $10. I know that sounds whiney but anything below that is really not live-able and I’m tryna do that right now considering I’ve been mentally not trying to do so. Plus, I need the extra money for future therapy sessions. See, my problem is that I don’t think I can say, “Hey bossman, don’t bother training me at front desk cuz I plan to leave soon.” I’m pretty sure he’d just let me go right there. At the same time, I don’t think it would be for the best if I left right after being trained. I think I’ll stay long enough to see how I like front desk and see how crazy my schedule gets, then I’ll jump ship. 

Brendan and Sarah offered me to stay at their place until I can get my own apartment in Tallassee or Montgomery. I would love that offer, but I’m still on the fence about living with Nickie G. and I’m even more on the fence about Tristan (twin brother). I was yelling to myself in the car at Books-A-Million’s parking lot about how awful it was that Tristan couldn’t do the easiest thing of going back to his old job (they were possibly the only place that would hire him on the spot) and just staying there to help us with the bills until he finds a better job. He’s so self-centered that he can’t even help us out! How is it that he who has been given so much over the last few years to help him out and, yet he is still not doing anything to pull his weight. Tristan doesn’t HAVE to go to college or get a high paying job, but can he PLEASE just help out!

Okay, I really need to go to bed. I’m doing too much overthinking and we all know what that does to you.

1-2-20

I’m tired, my boobs hurt, and I still have bad posture (And don’t forget your mood swings). I am not different this year. Nope, my “pregnancy pill”- as Beau calls it- is currently sucking every ounce of normal from my body. I can barely sleep because my boobs keep pushing against each other and since they’re sore, everything hurts! Birth control is torture. Specifically, hormonal pills. Why do they exist, aside from keeping you from having children and somewhat clearing your face?

So, to somewhat change the subject, mom is suddenly interested in my life now. More importantly, the Beau portion of my life. You know, the one that’s starting to invade, almost, my every thought. Like how I’ve thought about him asking me a certain question. Erm, I’m trying not to think about it because we’ve only been together for a little over 6 months. Anyway, mom wants to meet Beau and at first, mom wanted Beau to meet everyone (minus the step dad) and by everyone, I mean the immediate family so that’s grandparents included. All of my best friends, except one have met him and all testify that he’s great. Except maybe Nickie G. She keyed his gut and left a bruise… for no reason apparently. I’m unsure of her actions, sometimes.

Continuing, the three of us were unable to come up with a solid meet point on Saturday since Beau is going hiking (if there is a God then keep that boy safe. I don’t want him on one of the missing hikers’ videos I watch) and mom and I plan to do a late Christmas at the grandparents. So, we decided to meet, just the three of us, on Sunday at Newks which is like 12/20 but cheaper. Then, after Beau leaves for work, I know the reason mom suggested we go to Books-A-Million afterward is so she can grill me. I know for a fact she’ll ask if we’ve had sex. One time, when mom was really drunk, she told me that before I turn lesbian (because apparently bi-sexuality isn’t my final form) I have to try dick. Okay, I’ve tried dick and obviously touched vagina and I’m still the same. I enjoy the dick, which will be mom’s next question. A third possible one that I think she’d only ask if she were drunk is if I’d go full dick. What a silly mom she is. When she’s drunk, she asks weird questions. She can also be a bit blunt which is also funny in its’ own way. One time, when I told her of my first gynecological visit, she gave me a solid burn about not taking them up on their offer to give me birth control so I could clear up my acne. To put it in mom’s words, “Didn’t they look at your face?”

Um, anyway, lets take one step to the right but keep the same path. Mom already knows we’ve been together 6 months, have I already covered that? Regardless, she commented that our relationship was serious and she felt way behind in my life. Brendan, Sarah, and Grayson have already met him and I’ve met Beau’s parents and siblings. So, I guess you could say she’s behind. I know that he doesn’t have to meet my grandparents, so if we ever get married before he meets them, the wedding is gonna be hilarious.

Y’all, I’m so cynical right now. It wouldn’t be hilarious but it kinda would be. 

Should we get married one day? Oof, that’s a tough question. I’m kinda torn about whether I should let my mind wonder into the abyss of the idea of marriage. I have to admit that I’ve never really thought to hard about marriage. I just don’t like the idea of sharing my money and space with someone else. I also don’t like the idea of weddings because they’re so expensive and I feel like they just resemble the diamond industry: unnecessary and expensive. Not that I 100% don’t want a ring, either. I just don’t like them that much. I’d prefer a small wedding and a small engagement ring. Maybe even just one of those plain bands. I like those. Q told me he doesn’t. Big rings tend to break easier. You swing your hand near a wall and, boom, the diamonds pop out. Anyway, I’m tired and I need to sleep.

Night.

Acting may not be my strong suit but boy is it fun!

My friend Nigel from NERDtorch is making a whole ass movie! And it looks legit! If you want to, you can check out his insta @nitrohotfire. He’s been posting vlogs of behind the scenes about said movie under his Vampire film story. He’s also got a few sneak peak shots that look pretty fly. Heh heh.

When he asked me if I wanted to be in it, I was a bit skeptical because I haven’t really acted since my haunted hayride days and I want to forget those as soon as I think about them. But I figured I’d give it a shot. I’m trying to push myself out of my comfort zone more and I knew this was a big way to do it. I was right, too. After wrapping up my first scene, I already felt a heart beat of change.

Well, it was that and Nigel and I talking a lot about human behavior throughout the shoot. Humans are interesting motherfuckers and it’s hard to change them. That was pretty much my main takeaway from our conversation. So, today I did a lot of thinking (as I normally do) about my brain and some things I’d love to change about it. One of my main ideas was that I needed to work on some things before I’m inevitably called off the waitlist for therapy. I don’t want to show up empty handed acting like I have no idea why my brain isn’t working. There are, at least, a few things I could stand to work on. For example, letting things go. I have a really weird problem where any little thing could stick in my head for hours. I did this today when I told a man good morning at work and for some reason my brain told me I did it funny so I scrunched up my hand like I was cringing and thought about how weird the salutation was even though from the man’s standpoint it was probably totally normal. Sometimes, my actions are weird and it’s okay for me to think about them but not for too long which is my problem. I don’t want people to think I’m weird but in doing that, I end up looking weirder.

Another example would be crushing some bad habits. I really suck at doing some tasks with speed and quality. That, and I have some weird habits that make me slower. Sometimes, I’m worried I’m gonna drop something or mess it up so I’ll go slow-mo on said task which just looks weird. I noticed this when I went to go throw tissue paper away and I slowly put my foot on the trash can’s lever and slowly pushed down on it so the lid wouldn’t fly open and hit the wall. I’ve been trying to curb that habit by rushing through some easy tasks that don’t really require a high quality finish. (i.e. throwing shit away, shutting doors, etc.) It’s fucking weird how odd some of my actions are. Like, why am I doing things so slow?

Sometimes I think or do things and have to wonder if there really is something seriously wrong with my brain. The poor guy. I’ve fucked it up.

Anyway, lemme skedaddle. I need to return a windshield wiper because I overthought which one I needed to buy. I needed a rear one and the package literally said rear. Yet, for some reason my brain said “eh, conventional probably just means it works for both rear and front”… That’s so not what that means, brain.

Mapping out my life route options

I’ve been trying to make a lot of big decisions lately but the branches to other paths are keeping me static. Maybe I just need to type them out and get a better understanding of what my options are. I could always “move in” with my brother, his wife, and their 1.5-year-old kiddo. I could get a job in the Tallassee or Montgomery area and eventually move out, Plus the Montgomery area probably has more writing options. Actually, Tallassee may be small but they do have a newspaper I could try and intern for. Although I’m not sure they do that. Also, my dog, Alfie, hates other dogs and my brother has one. I mean Alfie really hates dogs. It’s the only time he has ever acted violently and even though their dog is female, I doubt he would care. It’s just the fact that he has competition that makes him angry, I think. Also, this accommodation only extends to me instead of both my twin brother and Nickie G. Although you have to understand, my twin doesn’t have or want a job and just spends his days gaming and sleeping. Nickie G isn’t really a part of the family. They’ve only got two couches and one of them is a loveseat that I’ve slept on and wouldn’t recommend as a bed. It’s super comfy to chill on but I’m too tall for it to be my bed. Here’s another option: I could ask for more hours at work and start having 80-hour paychecks again. Then I could finally set aside some dollops for college. I just doubt I’ll get the hours because I wasn’t hired on full-time. I don’t think the hotel will make an exception and there isn’t really much they could give me to do. Everyone has their jobs for a reason: so other people don’t have to do them. An option to oppose the last would be: to find another job that gives me a minimum of 80-hours a paycheck. I could get a job that only works Monday through Friday so I could finally have my weekends back, again. Plus, I want a place that isn’t strict on a dress code and one where I’m not primarily dealing with customers/guests because I’ve about reached my limit of customer service. I can’t handle much more of pleasing the masses. I know, I know. “There aren’t too many jobs out there that have your specifications.” And you would be right, so I talked with my older brother and he suggested a factory job which has always given me anxiety because I don’t like the idea of being near machines but I figure I’ve tried so much else. I should give this a try, especially since it ticks all my boxes. Another home-based option that kind of connects with my job options is to move with Nickie G to somewhere in the Opelika/Auburn area. Then get a job in said area and thrive off of not having to take almost $100 out of my checks just for gas. I’m not kidding. $70. Each paycheck which is every two weeks. My poor car reached 100,000 miles from the 75,000-ish miles I was gifted it on from my Mimi. I think she had the car since 2008 and she still didn’t reach 100,000. I’ve had it for the last 3 years and boom, 50,000 more miles. Anyway, it would be even better to move around that area and get a job where I can set aside $50-$100 from each paycheck and after a couple months, be able to afford a class or two at Auburn to begin chipping away at a writing degree. At least I won’t feel like I’m doing nothing with my life. I know I’m not. Hell, I’ve been active enough on this blog to consider it something for me to be proud of. I expected this blog to last all of, maybe, three months. I rarely stay with a project for long. Like I said in My Little Obsessions post, I don’t really stick to things that well and I’ve ended up with so many unfinished projects. It’s kind of embarrassing. Lemme, finish off this post. I’ve got plans with one of my friends today! So, I appreciate everyone taking the time to read my posts. I meant to say this way sooner but to everyone who read my first ever poem Spontaneously Terrible Things thank you so much! I really didn’t feel that it ended well but it was my first try. I wrote it in a moment of strong paranoia after reading all the newspaper articles my Mimi collected on a time back in 1994 when my dad went through something absolutely terrible. Then, I realized I knew other stories of friends who experienced those spontaneous and terrible events in their lives. It can be hard to put those events into words, especially if it didn’t happen to you, so apologies if it seems a little unclear! To end an unnecessarily long post, I hope everyone has a wonderful day and I hope you find $20!

Time travel part 3~ Final part Ft. Nickie G.

You remember a past post I made about going back in time and changing something in a relationship? I’ll go ahead and say that it’s just about left my system so I had one more sip from the cup before I kicked it out the mind. I wanted to know if I was the only one wondering about change and I know I’m not so I asked Nickie G!

Her answer was fast, not skipping a beat. She, like me, had also thought this through. The man’s name will be withheld, of course. Nickie G told me that there was so much she’d change but the biggest thing she could think of was space. Nickie had fallen for him pretty hard and as any person who falls hard does, she wanted to be around the guy as much as she could. However, now that she’s looked back on it, her former beau just really needed some space. Which is one of the reasons my beau told me he’d broken it off with his last girlfriend. It’s funny how attached you can get to people. The ex I talked about in one of my two back in time blog posts was someone I’d grown overly fond of, myself. I guess love just makes you do crazy things.

Back to the story. Nickie told me that if she had been able to go back in time, she would have attempted to salvage the relationship with the space strategy which was something I found unique. A lot of people, me included, would have wanted to go back to someone they hate now and hate them, then. I can’t be too surprised with her though because she’s such a sweet and naïve person. For all we know, her former bae could have been good for her; however, I doubt space would be the key to a successful relationship.

Regardless, I can’t put too much into this post because I’m not her and I only had 5 minutes to interview her before she left for work. So, needless to say, this one is a pretty interesting read compared to my decisions for the past.

Something I wrote when I was in college~

My Little Obsessions

So, I am pretty bad about getting obsessed with things for a short time and within a week, being over them. This is super unhelpful and annoying but it happens almost every time. I have an easy knitting box in my closet from when I tried to learn how to knit. I’m still on section 1 of my learning Japanese book. I cross-stitched for 2 days before putting it away. There are countless unfinished stories bouncing around in my head or haphazardly written in random notebooks stashed around my room. The list goes on and on. However, sometimes I get obsessed with things I can do nothing about, like changing history: mine specifically. I usually obsess about that anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Here’s an example:

I just thought about how dirty my Economic professor’s whiteboard was and it triggered a memory from fourth grade. Back then, it used to be an honor to be one of the two students selected to take the old bucket down to the teacher’s bathroom and fill it with water so the two of you could clean the chalkboard. It meant the teacher trusted you and you got to get out of your busy work. I’d only ever been picked once and I vaguely remember one of my popular classmates being chosen as my partner. Even though I’d been picked during a time when busy work wasn’t assigned and, therefore; it wasn’t as satisfying, I still enjoyed being chosen to get out of class. I remember being so shy, and I doubt my partner and I uttered more than what was necessary to each other due to us being in different social groups. Which of course, brought me to the realization that present day me has grown so much from past me. I used to be so shy and disconnected with my classmates. I didn’t really talk with a lot of people outside my few (like, two) friends and the teachers (I was a teacher’s pet). I mean, it wasn’t always my choice to be so socially awkward. Sometimes I just didn’t feel like talking, but other times I wanted in on some form of the popularity. Whether it be that I’m in the know of most topics, or maybe even more than two people telling me good morning when I walked into the classroom (one of them being the teacher, of course). I only really started coming out of my shell my senior year of high school. I mean, I kind of had to- not that I was ever upset about that- considering the 60-something of us had to work together to create an awesome homecoming! Which I recently learned isn’t what most schools do. Apparently, it’s more of a southern thing to have the seniors create skits from old songs instead of just having a regular dance like most schools. Anyway, a part of me wants to go back in time and become this free spirited person who makes plenty of friends, but I know I couldn’t really do that. I mean, not because time travel doesn’t exist- or, at least, I can’t do it- but because what if my four most important friends wouldn’t be my friends in that timeline? Four doesn’t seem like a lot, but I’ve never been that close with a lot of people. I trust them and I don’t mind that we aren’t a big group. At least I know who I can count on.

There, my friends are a valid point and now I can put this weird obsession to bed, hopefully. I need to do my homework. I wish I could be obsessed about doing that.

I want to grow!

If you read my post about addiction, you may remember that I was talking with a coworker I called J. He and I have been discussing some other heavy-opinion topics and I intend to write about those once I can get to some WiFi but for now, I just wanted to make a quick post about how much writing I’ve gotten done this past week. I’ve done more typing in the past 72 hours than I have in months. I’m not sure if I can completely say talking with J about writing has opened up new branches but I know he’s helped to flesh out some ideas I’ve had and he’s encouraged my writing to the point that I’d like to grow from here. Not leave and find somewhere else, but to expand my horizons on who should view this blog.

What I mean is, for the longest time I struggled with the idea that anyone I knew personally shouldn’t see this blog. Mainly because they’ll know things about me that I haven’t even fully discussed with myself and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. It’s one thing for other anonymous users to read my work, it’s another if I’m gonna meet that person and then they can tell me what they think of everything. Which is, they probably think I’m weird and that a lot of my problems are probably easier to solve than they look (mainly cuz I tend to think these things).

For the past couple hours I’ve been trying to think of ways I can expand my writing and I’d love to do internships but the only ones I could find were for places I didn’t have any interest in. Plus, the ones I found on Auburn University’s website were mainly for their students which makes sense. I just was hoping I could get a lead from there. I still want to write a book or two but those are a bit of a stretch as far as goals go.

I guess I’ll just have to keep my eye out for a good opportunity.

Flip Flops in my mind!

You ever go through a day where you can’t attach yourself to one emotion? If the answer is yes, than you just might keep reading. Who knows, these days. Even if you can’t relate, there’s still a chance you’re interested. Either way, I’ll continue explaining why I’ve brought you here today to ask this agonizing question. This morning, I was feeling pretty cynical and a bit in the dumps. I was certain I wasn’t going to be able to pay my water bill without having to dig into my meager savings but, thankfully, after some careful calculations, I’d come to realise I was fine. Still, I stayed in the low. I even stayed that way after I realized how slow my shift was going to be and I enjoy slow shifts because that means I can use works WiFi to download Youtube videos for later consumption. I continued occupying the dumps until I forced myself to try the Relax app on my Fitbit (I could only wish this was sponsored) and then about an hour after that, still somewhat down, I was given a tip at work. It’s rare but it has always brightened my day. Especially since I’ve been counting pennies, literally. What I was really stressing about was that I’d recently met one of the higher ups at the hotel I work at and she’s in charge of quality control through the entire hotel. She gave me this spiel about having enough food throughout breakfast but not so much that I waste a lot of it by throwing it away at the end of the day. It was hard hearing her say I had to keep the place full until 30 minutes until close but then turn around and say that I need to make sure I don’t make too much food. Lady, do you not understand how this works? You can’t really predict everyday. Anyway, I was thinking about her words because we had the least amount of rooms booked today that I’ve ever worked and I still made a plentiful amount. I blame my brain going on autopilot while I was setting everything up. In the end, after all my anxiety about it, we had a good amount of people come down for food so I didn’t waste much. After that, I was up for a while and even talked with some of my coworkers, but then I felt my brain slip into its low as I was closing up to clean. I felt like I went into autopilot again and I actually got out of work about 30 minutes earlier than normal.

Coffee break: I don’t understand how dad liked it black. I HAVE to have both creamer and sugar in it. The bitterness hurts my poor taste buds.

So, you see how I can’t seem to stay in one place in my head for very long. I’ve always been confused by that. How come I can’t control which emotion I want and how long it stays there? I hear, all the time that you make your own misery and I’m sure that’s true but it’s difficult to understand the reasoning behind my misery, sometimes. I’ve caught myself making my own misery and that’s one thing; however, I can’t explain the type of sadness that occurs at the most random times.

My goal in understanding my emotions is therapy and digging deep.

Your stance on drug and alcohol addiction?

Today, I had a bouncy conversation with a coworker I’ll call J. I use the adjective bouncy because we seemed to have spoken about 4 different topics in under 15 minutes. I like those types of conversations because it shows how much you can stretch into a single talk. For instance, the title of this post was one of the many topics we discussed while we vegged out at the front desk. I can’t be 100% on what steered the talk of drug and alcohol addiction. Regardless, he asked my opinion of it and I have to admit that I prefer asking other people about their thoughts rather than think it through, myself. I have a generic idea of what I think of addiction: it’s bad.

So, I asked J what he thought of the subject and these were his words (paraphrased because we all know I don’t remember much), “Ultimately, they bring it upon themselves.” J and I spoke of some personal examples (he used to be a cop so he saw some shit) and he explained that he didn’t feel for people who spiraled into addicted because they should, at some point, find their limits.

For the most part, I agree with him. Of course, there are days when someone may want to drink or even go as far as getting shit-faced, but you have to remind yourself of your responsibilities. The thing is, no one has the same situation and I really don’t enjoy generalizing the universe.

The other side to this is people who either don’t become addicts or people who choose to seek help understand that drugs and alcohol outside of moderation are not good for you. Therefore, they should not make the mistake/keep making the mistake. That’s what confuses me. If there are people out there who understand then what’s to say about the others who don’t? Or maybe they do understand but choose not to change; therefore they are bringing it upon themselves, as J said.

When I told him about wanting to turn our conversation into a blog post, he assumed you readers would scramble to your keyboards to disagree with him, but I can’t say I can agree with him. First of all, I don’t get comments. Second, I don’t know if there are too many people who disagree on his standpoint.

I know some people may say, “Oh but addiction is derived from trauma and some people simply can’t stop using and don’t have the money for help.” However, that brings us back to the initial question of, “If people understand addiction is bad, why would they fall into it to begin with?” There’s plenty to dissect with this topic and I’m interested in hearing any other standpoints to this. Like I said before, I don’t like generalizing everyone’s situation so I can’t completely agree with J. However, you have to admit he does make a good point.