Time travel part 3~ Final part Ft. Nickie G.

You remember a past post I made about going back in time and changing something in a relationship? I’ll go ahead and say that it’s just about left my system so I had one more sip from the cup before I kicked it out the mind. I wanted to know if I was the only one wondering about change and I know I’m not so I asked Nickie G!

Her answer was fast, not skipping a beat. She, like me, had also thought this through. The man’s name will be withheld, of course. Nickie G told me that there was so much she’d change but the biggest thing she could think of was space. Nickie had fallen for him pretty hard and as any person who falls hard does, she wanted to be around the guy as much as she could. However, now that she’s looked back on it, her former beau just really needed some space. Which is one of the reasons my beau told me he’d broken it off with his last girlfriend. It’s funny how attached you can get to people. The ex I talked about in one of my two back in time blog posts was someone I’d grown overly fond of, myself. I guess love just makes you do crazy things.

Back to the story. Nickie told me that if she had been able to go back in time, she would have attempted to salvage the relationship with the space strategy which was something I found unique. A lot of people, me included, would have wanted to go back to someone they hate now and hate them, then. I can’t be too surprised with her though because she’s such a sweet and naïve person. For all we know, her former bae could have been good for her; however, I doubt space would be the key to a successful relationship.

Regardless, I can’t put too much into this post because I’m not her and I only had 5 minutes to interview her before she left for work. So, needless to say, this one is a pretty interesting read compared to my decisions for the past.

Something I wrote when I was in college~

My Little Obsessions

So, I am pretty bad about getting obsessed with things for a short time and within a week, being over them. This is super unhelpful and annoying but it happens almost every time. I have an easy knitting box in my closet from when I tried to learn how to knit. I’m still on section 1 of my learning Japanese book. I cross-stitched for 2 days before putting it away. There are countless unfinished stories bouncing around in my head or haphazardly written in random notebooks stashed around my room. The list goes on and on. However, sometimes I get obsessed with things I can do nothing about, like changing history: mine specifically. I usually obsess about that anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Here’s an example:

I just thought about how dirty my Economic professor’s whiteboard was and it triggered a memory from fourth grade. Back then, it used to be an honor to be one of the two students selected to take the old bucket down to the teacher’s bathroom and fill it with water so the two of you could clean the chalkboard. It meant the teacher trusted you and you got to get out of your busy work. I’d only ever been picked once and I vaguely remember one of my popular classmates being chosen as my partner. Even though I’d been picked during a time when busy work wasn’t assigned and, therefore; it wasn’t as satisfying, I still enjoyed being chosen to get out of class. I remember being so shy, and I doubt my partner and I uttered more than what was necessary to each other due to us being in different social groups. Which of course, brought me to the realization that present day me has grown so much from past me. I used to be so shy and disconnected with my classmates. I didn’t really talk with a lot of people outside my few (like, two) friends and the teachers (I was a teacher’s pet). I mean, it wasn’t always my choice to be so socially awkward. Sometimes I just didn’t feel like talking, but other times I wanted in on some form of the popularity. Whether it be that I’m in the know of most topics, or maybe even more than two people telling me good morning when I walked into the classroom (one of them being the teacher, of course). I only really started coming out of my shell my senior year of high school. I mean, I kind of had to- not that I was ever upset about that- considering the 60-something of us had to work together to create an awesome homecoming! Which I recently learned isn’t what most schools do. Apparently, it’s more of a southern thing to have the seniors create skits from old songs instead of just having a regular dance like most schools. Anyway, a part of me wants to go back in time and become this free spirited person who makes plenty of friends, but I know I couldn’t really do that. I mean, not because time travel doesn’t exist- or, at least, I can’t do it- but because what if my four most important friends wouldn’t be my friends in that timeline? Four doesn’t seem like a lot, but I’ve never been that close with a lot of people. I trust them and I don’t mind that we aren’t a big group. At least I know who I can count on.

There, my friends are a valid point and now I can put this weird obsession to bed, hopefully. I need to do my homework. I wish I could be obsessed about doing that.

I want to grow!

If you read my post about addiction, you may remember that I was talking with a coworker I called J. He and I have been discussing some other heavy-opinion topics and I intend to write about those once I can get to some WiFi but for now, I just wanted to make a quick post about how much writing I’ve gotten done this past week. I’ve done more typing in the past 72 hours than I have in months. I’m not sure if I can completely say talking with J about writing has opened up new branches but I know he’s helped to flesh out some ideas I’ve had and he’s encouraged my writing to the point that I’d like to grow from here. Not leave and find somewhere else, but to expand my horizons on who should view this blog.

What I mean is, for the longest time I struggled with the idea that anyone I knew personally shouldn’t see this blog. Mainly because they’ll know things about me that I haven’t even fully discussed with myself and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. It’s one thing for other anonymous users to read my work, it’s another if I’m gonna meet that person and then they can tell me what they think of everything. Which is, they probably think I’m weird and that a lot of my problems are probably easier to solve than they look (mainly cuz I tend to think these things).

For the past couple hours I’ve been trying to think of ways I can expand my writing and I’d love to do internships but the only ones I could find were for places I didn’t have any interest in. Plus, the ones I found on Auburn University’s website were mainly for their students which makes sense. I just was hoping I could get a lead from there. I still want to write a book or two but those are a bit of a stretch as far as goals go.

I guess I’ll just have to keep my eye out for a good opportunity.

Flip Flops in my mind!

You ever go through a day where you can’t attach yourself to one emotion? If the answer is yes, than you just might keep reading. Who knows, these days. Even if you can’t relate, there’s still a chance you’re interested. Either way, I’ll continue explaining why I’ve brought you here today to ask this agonizing question. This morning, I was feeling pretty cynical and a bit in the dumps. I was certain I wasn’t going to be able to pay my water bill without having to dig into my meager savings but, thankfully, after some careful calculations, I’d come to realise I was fine. Still, I stayed in the low. I even stayed that way after I realized how slow my shift was going to be and I enjoy slow shifts because that means I can use works WiFi to download Youtube videos for later consumption. I continued occupying the dumps until I forced myself to try the Relax app on my Fitbit (I could only wish this was sponsored) and then about an hour after that, still somewhat down, I was given a tip at work. It’s rare but it has always brightened my day. Especially since I’ve been counting pennies, literally. What I was really stressing about was that I’d recently met one of the higher ups at the hotel I work at and she’s in charge of quality control through the entire hotel. She gave me this spiel about having enough food throughout breakfast but not so much that I waste a lot of it by throwing it away at the end of the day. It was hard hearing her say I had to keep the place full until 30 minutes until close but then turn around and say that I need to make sure I don’t make too much food. Lady, do you not understand how this works? You can’t really predict everyday. Anyway, I was thinking about her words because we had the least amount of rooms booked today that I’ve ever worked and I still made a plentiful amount. I blame my brain going on autopilot while I was setting everything up. In the end, after all my anxiety about it, we had a good amount of people come down for food so I didn’t waste much. After that, I was up for a while and even talked with some of my coworkers, but then I felt my brain slip into its low as I was closing up to clean. I felt like I went into autopilot again and I actually got out of work about 30 minutes earlier than normal.

Coffee break: I don’t understand how dad liked it black. I HAVE to have both creamer and sugar in it. The bitterness hurts my poor taste buds.

So, you see how I can’t seem to stay in one place in my head for very long. I’ve always been confused by that. How come I can’t control which emotion I want and how long it stays there? I hear, all the time that you make your own misery and I’m sure that’s true but it’s difficult to understand the reasoning behind my misery, sometimes. I’ve caught myself making my own misery and that’s one thing; however, I can’t explain the type of sadness that occurs at the most random times.

My goal in understanding my emotions is therapy and digging deep.

Your stance on drug and alcohol addiction?

Today, I had a bouncy conversation with a coworker I’ll call J. I use the adjective bouncy because we seemed to have spoken about 4 different topics in under 15 minutes. I like those types of conversations because it shows how much you can stretch into a single talk. For instance, the title of this post was one of the many topics we discussed while we vegged out at the front desk. I can’t be 100% on what steered the talk of drug and alcohol addiction. Regardless, he asked my opinion of it and I have to admit that I prefer asking other people about their thoughts rather than think it through, myself. I have a generic idea of what I think of addiction: it’s bad.

So, I asked J what he thought of the subject and these were his words (paraphrased because we all know I don’t remember much), “Ultimately, they bring it upon themselves.” J and I spoke of some personal examples (he used to be a cop so he saw some shit) and he explained that he didn’t feel for people who spiraled into addicted because they should, at some point, find their limits.

For the most part, I agree with him. Of course, there are days when someone may want to drink or even go as far as getting shit-faced, but you have to remind yourself of your responsibilities. The thing is, no one has the same situation and I really don’t enjoy generalizing the universe.

The other side to this is people who either don’t become addicts or people who choose to seek help understand that drugs and alcohol outside of moderation are not good for you. Therefore, they should not make the mistake/keep making the mistake. That’s what confuses me. If there are people out there who understand then what’s to say about the others who don’t? Or maybe they do understand but choose not to change; therefore they are bringing it upon themselves, as J said.

When I told him about wanting to turn our conversation into a blog post, he assumed you readers would scramble to your keyboards to disagree with him, but I can’t say I can agree with him. First of all, I don’t get comments. Second, I don’t know if there are too many people who disagree on his standpoint.

I know some people may say, “Oh but addiction is derived from trauma and some people simply can’t stop using and don’t have the money for help.” However, that brings us back to the initial question of, “If people understand addiction is bad, why would they fall into it to begin with?” There’s plenty to dissect with this topic and I’m interested in hearing any other standpoints to this. Like I said before, I don’t like generalizing everyone’s situation so I can’t completely agree with J. However, you have to admit he does make a good point.

Spontaneously Terrible Things

Spontaneously terrible things

Have kept me up at night

They fill my head with dread

And No one knows when they’ll happen

Or if they’ll happen

Spontaneously terrible things

Kept my dad up at night

They filled his head with terrible dread

And No one knew why it happened

Or if it could happen again

Spontaneously terrible things

Kept my best friend up at night

They filled her head with future dread

And No one understood his reasoning

Or if it will ever change

Time traveling pt.2 Can’t let go of the past

I’ve explored the idea of going back in time before. The last time I did it, I had the mindset of destroying my longest relationship I’ve ever had, which was from the third grade, and jumping to my current one. This go around, I’ve decided to destroy my most heart-breaking relationship in favor of my current one. This is mainly because, I still have negative feelings toward the relationship that I’ve always resented being in. So, let’s begin the hypothetical analysis of a relationship from September to December of 2016 (not necessarily dating the entirety of these months).

What if you were to stop in the middle of a current memory and be jolted into a past one, still in your current mindset? You might be tempted to make some changes, right? I know I would.

First, let me give you some background info of the present: I was sitting with a mutual friend of my boyfriend and mine and, of course, my boyfriend. (one of these days I’ll come up with codenames for them that I can actually remember) Now, in this present-day memory, I was laughing and having a great time which was what spawned the idea for this hypothetical time travel (part 2) piece. So, past memory back ground info: At some point in time during the mentioned above months, I was sitting with my former friends who I’ll just go by with the letters Z and T in the Southern Union Cafeteria, laughing about something stupid, probably. Now, I really liked Z at the time even though he was so insecure he ruined relationships and T was always looking for excuses to gain attention from either of us. Don’t ask why it took so long to drop them. You’ve got the info, so let’s keep this thought train going.

So, I am laughing and carrying on in my current memory with my current friend and boyfriend, then poof I’m laughing and carrying on in a past memory with a former friend and former boyfriend. I stop laughing as it takes me about 30 seconds to realize I am in the wrong year. This isn’t a book, though so don’t expect me to think hard on the logistics of how this is happening. Rather, I take the hypothetical opportunity presented me.

I stand from the non-descript gray tables Southern Union keeps scattered around and walk away from the two formers sitting across from me. Suddenly, I’m thinking, “Should I just have gotten up? Should I have told them I don’t want to be apart of their duo? Oh well, it’s too late to turn back now. I’ve already made my decision.” Besides, I know my future self’s tolerance for Z is pretty low and I’ve stopped trying to find the tolerance I used to have for T. So, I decide to contact my future friend and boyfriend and move on with my life.

The thought that I could have never met these people makes me want to build a time machine just to make sure that I don’t meet them! I’m sure everyone has people they wish they’d never met in their life. Of course, then we wouldn’t have learned the lessons that we know today. I guess we just have to cherish the lessons and avoid any further contact with those people.

Exciting Christmas Plans!

Usually for Christmas, my family meets at my grandparents on my mom’s side and we eat and swap gifts. Then we do whatever we need to do for the rest of the holiday. However, my older brother came up with an idea over the summer that we should go see our dad’s side of the family, AKA my aunt, uncle, and cousins in Summerville, South Carolina. We haven’t seen them since 2016 when our Mimi on dad’s side passed away. It’s always difficult to plan a trip there because of how expensive it always is. An eight hour drive just to get there is a lot on your wallet. Still, we set aside some money and have a hotel room booked for our time there. My uncle was actually so happy we are planning to visit that he booked us the hotel and said that was our present! And it’s a sweet hotel, too. It even has free breakfast which will be rad! It’s nice to go to a hotel breakfast and not be the one making the food. We plan to leave on the 23rd and come back on the 28th so there’ll be ample time to see them. It’s just going to be both my brothers, my older brother’s wife, and their kid (and of course me). I’m so excited to see the last few people left on my dad’s side. I love them more than I love most of the people on my mom’s side. Dad’s side is much more open and loving. My mom’s side likes to think they are but if I can’t be myself around them, then they aren’t as loving.

Okay, I need to leave McDonalds. I’ve been stealing their wifi for the past hour and my shoulders are starting to hurt. I’m off work the next two days so I plan to sleep in and start and finish a bottle of wine with some iced sugar cookies Nickie G bought me as a late birthday present.

Y’all stay warm out there!

Traveling back in time pt. 1

What if you could travel back in time? Last night I stumbled upon this subject after wondering who my longest relationship was. In case you’re wondering, it was a guy named C.J. and we were in the third grade. Our relationship lasted the extent of the school year and died on the first day of fourth grade. Ah, good times… So anyway, the reason I was wondering this was because I’d been thinking about some of my exes and how I wished I could have not dated them and gone straight to the boyfriend I’m dating, now. Of course, that would require a time machine and some explanations.

Regardless, I did what I usually do when a new thought crosses my mind and I explored for more details. I thought: What if I went back in time to that moment in third grade where C.J. and I were writing in his little notepad about how much we liked each other and instead of doing that, I’d just break up with him. He wouldn’t understand why I’d do such a thing unless his mind went back in time, too. What if we both went back in time and we mutually understood that this wasn’t going to work out and we would, then, go on our respective ways? Then, I wouldn’t have to deal with all the heart break a teen turned young adult deals with. I could just skip to the good part (as He is We’s song goes).

And then I thought: This would make a good book. And it would be even better if it had a bit of Love Rosie inspiration to it where, in the end, the two who had dated in the past realized their love for each other knows no limit by dimension and they live happily ever after… But in which dimension? How many times can they reverse time? Do they tell others or keep it a secret? Find out in Tiffany Mann’s best seller… I’m just pulling your leg. And mine.

Finally starting to feel up

I know I usually post a lot when I’m down but I was just too down last week. My birthday was just me choosing to be alone so I could nurse my mental wounds with Seagrams and Marlboros. I did get some money from my parents which turned into groceries. I finally felt like I’d hit a wall, so I turned to the local college for help which has a Psychological Service that helps train future psychologists and has assessments so you can find out what’s wrong with you. The good thing about this place is each visit is anywhere from $30-$60 because it’s on a sliding scale dependent on how much you make. Isn’t that neat? You get it cheaper cuz you’re getting a trainee psychologist. I assume there will be a legitimate psychologist there to help out and maybe that’s also why there’s a really long waitlist but we’ll see. I’m too broke to afford the other places I was suggested. They were around $160-$140 a visit, no thanks. Why is getting mental help so expensive?

Anyway, I’m starting to feel a bit more up, so I’m trying to seize the moment and do as much as I can. I’ve been up enough that I’m faster at work, so I’ve been getting out earlier and I’m spending the night at my beau’s house tonight and going running with him in the morning. (By the way, I’ve started walking and going to the gym) And then after that, I will spend the night at my older brother’s house to see them and the munchkin (nephew).

I’m just hoping my up stays for at least the rest of the year. Is that too much to ask?