Q a Day #48- Have you ever loved someone (romantically)

I don’t think I’ve so much loved as I have lusted (and I don’t completely mean sexually, just that I lusted for his attention). I did feel that freeing feeling and I thought about this person constantly.

I’ve also lusted after a woman after only speaking to her for 15 minutes at a bookstore. I thought about her constantly.

Be sure to give your response!

Review of Life is Strange (Spoilers)

I have to say, I absolutely love this game! I played it at my older brother’s house a few years back after he’d begged me to play it for some time. He’d went off to work and by the time he’d come back, I had finished the game and was itching to talk about my experience. To start with, I’ve never been much of a gamer. It takes a lot for me to stray from my usual Animal Crossing, Pokemon, and Sims. So, no one should be surprised when I say this is the first decision based game I’ve ever played. Still, I knew a bit of what to expect based on the Let’s Play of episode 1 by Jacksepticeye. The first three episodes were fairly chill and gave me a great deal of knowledge about what was going on. Normally, I steer away from video games because I tend to suck at them but this video game doesn’t use any level ups and Max’s rewind powers are very helpful to restart the situation. I totally fell in love with Max’s friend, Kate, and on each playthrough, I can never seem to let myself be anything but helpful to her.

This game is so unique in its’ storyline and I love the scenery. I played the game on my brother’s Playstation the first playthrough and recently jumped back into the game on my laptop after buying the game through Steam for only $4. I’ve been hesitant to finish up on that last episode due to already knowing what will happen and just not being in the right state of mind to make such important decisions. I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about.

And I know this doesn’t seem like an in depth review of the game but that’s because I’ve never done one of these before. This game is just special to me, ya know? The only complaint I have is that the developers have no idea how actual teenagers speak. I have to hold back the laughter sometimes, but it seems to add to the charm of the game. I understand that better funded schools teach better content, but outside of school “teenagers be wilding” as they say. (Don’t shoot me)

I love the little things they add, like being able to save a bird, taking pictures outside of what is part of the storyline, being able to reverse after a conversation with students to be able to better the relationship with them, you get the idea. This game is golden and I cherish it with my life.

Let me just end this by asking one question. Bae or Bay? (I chose Bay on first playthrough because I love Kate more than Chloe and I was worried Kate wouldn’t survive if I chose Chloe.)

3/6/21 I have the zoomies, thanks Paxel

I know I haven’t been doing a lot of actual journal posts but that’s because I’ve done so little in my life. I pretty much work, sleep, and take a shower every 1-2 business days. I’m actually still glad I cut my hair short because it’s so much less to manage. My depression is really taking a hold on my energy levels. I’m not as active at work, either, and I just sleep most of the day away once I’m home. I understand I should be getting up and taking a nice walk outside to get those beautiful sun rays, but the idea of getting out of my bed sounds worse than it actually is. So, no. Also, I recently started on a new medication, the same kind my older brother takes, and the random zoomies I get are quite comical. This happened with my last medication I took so I’m not sure if that’s just my body being normal or if that is just an average side effect. Either way, I was in the kitchen/living room area of our house while my roommate was on the phone with the water company because our water bill was over $400 last month and is now $300+ this month and I felt that familiar shiver in my back. Then I had so much energy it was like I couldn’t contain myself. I threw the jacket of my hood up, moon walked around the couch, and zoomed back into my room. I felt like I really just wanted to yell for no reason and then about 15 minutes later I was back to normal. This usually happens about once a day. On my last medication, it progressed to about an hour or two a day and I would snap my fingers, tap my toes, and talk over my words. I probably should have mentioned that side effect to the doctor but I can never remember to bring it up.

And that’s how I’m doing so far. No real update. Just on new meds, fighting over a large water bill because the two of us are certain the leak meter is messed up (we already had someone come check for a leak), and I’m sleeping all day. Maybe I’ll have more to share next time. Until then, I hope everyone has a good day. I’m going to try and enjoy my day off to fullest of my abilities: AKA sleep and Animal Crossing!

I was Denied for Life Insurance because of My Mental Health

At the end of last year I applied for life insurance because of Covid-19 scaring the crap out of me and they told me they were gonna get in contact with my doctor. I was already told I might get denied because I smoke every once in a while and I was okay with that. I was not prepared to receive a letter, two months after paying for life insurance, that told me I was not only denied for tobacco usage but also for my mental health. That was kind of a slap in the face considering I’m A) obviously getting treatment for it and B) it’s something I actually can’t control. I can quit smoking but it’s not like I can just drop the PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression like it’s a hot ass motherfucker.

They did refund me the money I put into the policy which was nice but I’m still upset. It’s not like I’m buying the policy so I can finally go jump off that bridge with my friends of which their parents keep thinking we are gonna do. No, I need it in case I fricking die of something I can’t help so they don’t have to actually throw me in a random hole, naked, like I want them to do. And also to pay off any medical bills I’ll undoubtedly have considering I go to my therapist and meds doctor once a month.

I guess this is to be expected. I’m 23. Still young and dumb.

A Nice Day

Today was nice. Like, really nice. I had an easy 6 hour breakfast shift at work that I didn’t end feeling like I was drowning in my own head. When I plopped back into bed around 12pm to practice some eye shadow ideas, I noticed I couldn’t find my brush so I looked underneath my bed and found my box of Polaroid photos. I’ve been thinking about dad and his awesome photo taking skills so I wasn’t surprised when I found myself pulling my photos out to compare and reminisce. I ended up taking a few little photos and jumping back onto my old Instagram that I’d used to post said Polaroids. I have to admit that I enjoy taking photos, especially of nature and mother nature’s eventual take back of her earth. (Hence why some of my photos are of rusted pieces of junk.) Anyway, maybe I’ll get back into that and I can start a photo diary. I’ve been getting some inspiration from other Instagram users, so this is my renewed obsession. We’ll see how long it lasts.

Until then, I need sleep. I’ll be doing another early shift tomorrow.

Tattoo Idea

I already have one tattoo in remembrance of my dad and his mom (my mimi) and as my mom tends to put it, “Tattoos are like potato chips. You can never have just one.” This is true, so my older brother and I have been sitting on some tattoo ideas. I have one that I intend to put into motion if I can find the time and money to visit the tattoo shop in Auburn called Against All Odds. We went there for our tattoos last time and really loved the place! I understand other places are great, even ones closer in my area, but we just really liked the atmosphere there.

Anyway, my tattoo idea this go round is another small/medium sized one that I’m thinking of getting on my right arm, probably in a similar place to my older brother’s tattoo. Except I kind of want it on the edge of my arm phasing the outer side. So picture this: a cup of coffee but the liquid inside is colored the pride flag because why not. I like to think of it as more than just pride inclusive because like many others, I enjoy all different kinds of coffee.

What do y’all think? Any tattoo ideas you have for yourself?

Smoking and non smoking

I get it, some people enjoy smoking. I like to light the butt too but I certainly understand when I shouldn’t or can’t do it. I work in a 100% smoke free hotel. That means if you step foot in the building with a lit anything, I can charge you $250. And guests know this. Either that or they’re just stupid. What’s especially confusing is when a past guest is charged $250 and they show back up, only for us to charge them again. Usually when this happens we put a mark on their reservation so they can’t make another one and we refuse service to them. Still, frickin still, these dummies try to get around the system. We had one, today, who put the reservation in his significant other’s name and we charged them too. Just looking at their bill should be enough to dissuade them from ever lighting up in our establishment again but they seem to have money to throw away. I guess that’s more money for us, but it’s still a pain to clear the smell out of the room.

And another thing: don’t light up near your children! Guaranteed to mess them up. As I was pulling out of work I witnessed a guest light a cigarette literally 2 inches away from their sons face. It took me thinking about keeping my job just to not say (yell) anything. Your child’s health should be higher than your need to smoke. If you’re gonna do that, do what my parents did and smoke outside, away from your kids.

How do people just let go?

Some of you may know that I’ve been doing therapy for a little while since I moved. I’ve got some trauma in my life that I’ve struggled to let go and let’s be honest, I have no idea how to actually do that. I keep thinking I have to physically let go or something to that effect. I just can’t seem to get a grip on the idea of letting go. I’ve been told of different ways and I’ve tried a few of them. There’s one I intend to try soon but I can’t wrap my mind around how it’s going to help me let go of things.

How do people just let go of all the terrible things that have happened in their life? I can find ways to heal from break ups and even from death in the family but this just seems so difficult to understand. Does anyone have any advice to give? I would appreciate it.