Blogging at Work at 2AM

Yes, that’s right. I’m blogging at work. It’s currently 2:12 A.M. Why? I don’t know why. Cuz I can, I guess. Also, I haven’t been very active and I’m up so I may as well. I do have an update on my life so, really, this is sorta long overdue. For starters, I’ve since put my resignation in at work. Over 2 weeks ago. I didn’t do a usual 2 week notice thing because I didn’t feel comfortable lying any longer than necessary. I have 10 days left. I guess, really 9. I’m in the single digit days, now! Hoorah! I’ve made it working here a year, I can do 9 more days… I hope. These guests are really, really making me lose confidence in that statement. I can officially say “I hate it here.” Oh well, moving here was definitely not a waste, though. I’ve grown a ton. I’m on medication, I’ve been to therapy to the point where I feel I don’t need it anymore. I know myself a little better. And, I’ve grown. Here’s another life update: I have a new path to follow! A purpose that’s been getting me out of bed with a little more pep and it has even helped calm me down when I start to get pissy with a guest. I just think, “I’ll be leaving here in X days. Then, I’ll get another job, go back to college, and get a degree in foreign languages.”

I want to be a translator. Yes, yes, I know. “But Tiff, don’t you hate people?” Why, yes, yes I do. But not all people. Just the shitty ones that make everyone’s lives an earthly hell. Thing is, I also love people. I love talking to people and learning about other cultures and what to do and not do while you’re visiting a new country. Even though I am not a religious person, I actually enjoy learning religions as well. Honestly, everything about other cultures is fun to learn about! I have a college in mind that’s about half an hour away from where I’ll be moving. It isn’t the most ideal college but it’s a start. I can, at least, start learning a new language. And before you say “Oh, Tiffany, don’t waste your money on college. Just download an app or buy one of those programs.” No. I tried both. I can’t do it like that. I can’t just learn through an app and then have no one I can rely on to answer my stupid questions or practice talking/writing to. I need human interaction! Which is such a weird thing to say considering I’ve been avoiding others most of my life.

Anyway, I’m moving soon. Just after I get back from my flight from Maine. I’ll be leaving for Maine in August and staying with one of my best friends. It’ll be a much needed vacation and I’ll get to see one of my bffs! I’m stoked to say the least.

I just feel like I’m finally getting somewhere with my life! I’ve been wandering aimlessly, ending up in Albany, and then finding my way to a new path. I’ve always heard this is how it’s really done. You just experience new things in life and they will open the doors to the correct direction, but I just assumed I’d find the way some other style. Don’t ask me what style because I wouldn’t be able to answer that. Not without sounding stupid, anyway.

I have to start Audit soon. And then start my Fafsa in the hopes I can start college in the spring. We’ll see how that goes and if I even get help. Supposedly, my family makes too much which is weird since I’m the one paying my own bills and I don’t even make $25,000 a year.

I’m Officially Moving… Again

I know, I know… again?! I’ve expressed in previous posts how much I don’t like it here in Albany and how far away I feel from my family. And it’s all still very true. I feel so far away. I feel like I miss so much. And I feel like I could be helping my family more with being closer. I’ll be moving back to AL next month. It’s gonna be a crazy ride but I’m flipping excited for it!!

Ex Coworker Tried to Get Me Fired

Yes, this did happen. No, it is not clickbait.

So let me give you some background information to begin with, so you can understand what I had to deal with a couple of days ago. Basically, a month or so ago we had a coworker ,who’d been getting in trouble with the boss, walk out on their shift. It was obvious they’d planned to walk out leaving no one in the building but the guests. We ended up having two tablets stolen from our property and we were honestly lucky nothing else was taken. The ex coworker was barred from ever setting foot on the property again but their s/o still worked with us. The s/o was doing pretty decent work minus a few things here and there that were found in the rooms after they cleaned it but something happened a few days ago where they ended up getting fired.

Now, these two coworkers used to be friends with me. I actually hung out with both of them on a couple of occasions but after the first coworker walked out on us, I blocked them on all accounts because of what they did. I’m not going to remain friends with a man-child.

Back to what I was saying. The s/o was fired and in retaliation, the coworker that walked out on us screenshotted the message my boss sent to their s/o and sent the screenshot along with a fake text saying they and I had sex to the owner of the building. Basically, their plan was to get my manager and I in trouble but it didn’t work. The owner did request that my manager call me to make sure that even if we had sex that it was not on work property. I denied all of this because 1) I would not have sex with them even if they were the last person on the planet and 2) I wouldn’t have sex at work even if someone was offering me my wildest dreams. (I mean, dude, I’m asexual. Come on)

After my manager and I talked yesterday (for all of 5 minutes, thank goodness) the situation pretty much ended there. Except, now I feel like the owner is going to be breathing down my neck since he probably thinks the idiot and I are partners in crime. I was honestly considering legal action since this is considered defamation but it’s not like anything really came of this. I think it would be more time consuming and I wouldn’t get any money from it because I know they’re broke considering the people they got a loan from keep calling us. I’ll just wait for Mother Karma to feed them both a dose of their own medicine.

Silver (free write)

  1. Silver is best described as the end and the beginning joining together.
  2. The end could be stormy, wet, and alone.
  3. But the beginning could be a shaky breath of new air as the weight seeps from my eyes.
  1. Silver is the color I feel after a night of silent pain.
  2. Silver is nostalgia, whether good or bad.
  3. I feel it when I feel nothing at night.
  4. I feel it when everything returns in the morning.
  1. It’s always there like a ghost.
  2. Sometimes it’s scary.
  3. But sometimes it can be so comforting to feel.

Silver is such a hard color to express in words, for me. I can play songs and take pictures of what makes me feel silver but to type it up and feel complete is so difficult. Silver is attached to memories, emotions or lack thereof. It can seem so blurry at times, and yet, it can be that little light slipping through the stormy clouds. Sometimes, when I can’t pinpoint how I’m feeling, I like to say I’m silver because it encompasses so much in my head.

Struggling to get that second dose

I was scheduled for the second dose of Moderna this past Tuesday and I, stupidly, slept through my alarm. Now, I’ve had the darndest time getting another appointment. I’m not surprised by this since there was such a long line to get the first dose. I’ve been calling the place I received my first shot but I always end up on hold for roughly 30 minutes before giving up. I even looked into CVS’s and Walgreens around me but no luck. I need to get that second dose! What’s the point of getting the first dose and not getting the second one!

I’ve questioned myself for too long!

Just 5 minutes ago I was folding my laundry and talking to my roommate about a mutual friend of ours. I won’t bore anyone with the details but the conversation led to me reviewing a question and coming to a determined answer about my sexuality. I could go back into my posts on my blog and see a pattern when I talk about sex. I don’t, often. However, when I do, it’s almost never positive. I’ve always wondered why and I even considered maybe I just hadn’t found the right person (because that’s what everyone has always told me). But this isn’t true. The answer is more simple and everything else makes sense. I never enjoyed sex because, spoiler alert, I don’t like sex. I’m asexual. Duh! I mean, this isn’t to say the answer hasn’t ever occured to me before, I just feel like it’s taking me too long to accept it. I’ve been fighting the answer for so long because everyone, including myself, has been saying I just haven’t found the right person or that some people just need to be “trained” better. No, it has never had anything to do with the quality of the person or the quality of the sex. It’s been everything to do with me not even wanting sex to begin with. I forced myself to believe I liked it and it confused my for years. Why can’t I just be comfortable like everyone else? When will I meet the person who makes me comfortable enough to want sex? Tiff, listen sweetie, it’s okay to admit it. I don’t like sex. I have no interest in having it. I have nothing against others who think and act differently than me. I just, sincerely, don’t have the patience for anyone who disagrees with me, on this realization. I am me; therefore, I know myself best. This is me. End of story.

The crazy ideas we get after a loved one has passed

When someone you love passes away, it is easy to find yourself thinking up ideas similar to this:

  1. If I rub every lamp I find, I’m sure a genie will eventually appear to grant me that one wish.
  2. If I learn to lucid dream, I’ll see them in my dreams and it’ll be like they’re really there.
  3. Maybe they’re a ghost and if I attempt to make contact with them, I’ll eventually get a response.
  4. Maybe they’ll reincarnate into someone and try to find me.
  5. I could buy one of those ouija boards and try to contact them.
  6. What if they’re not really dead and I have to go on a quest to find them?

Depending on your imagination, this list could be completely different. Regardless, I think it crosses everyone’s minds that with a little bit of magic or mystery things could be different. I’m sure this is normal. Or maybe it’s more that I hope this is normal. I think about crazy schemes like these from time to time. It’s been almost 9 years since my dad passed and the ideas still creep up on me when I least expect them too.