How?

How is it that racism still exists?

How is it that racism became a thing? We’re all the same. We’re just human beings.

The Civil War was generations ago. Why is it that generations still try to teach racism when it is so obviously wrong?

—

And another thing. Why is it that the murder of George Floyd isnt seen by everyone for what it truly is: a race issue? So many people keep saying the cop was just corrupt but I can say with sad confidence that I’ve hardly ever heard of a white person being treated with such horrible disrespect! In fact, I’ve seen so many posts recently proving that white people are being treated differently. For instance, any school shooting. Look up photos of white people being arrested for school shootings. They look, for the most part, fine. And yeah, you could say “but those are just kids who were bullied.” However, those kids had guns/bombs and they took lives. George Floyd had a counterfeit $20.

Confessions- Reading edition

Lets be honest… I love fanfiction! I used to write it all. the. time. I mean, I had notebook after notebook (only the composition kind cuz ringed ones hurt my left-y hand) of horrible ideas for fanfics and my go-to in publishing them was Fanfiction.net.

Y’all, I sucked ass! I wrote like any other 12 year old fangirl would. If I ever got comments, they were either people telling me I needed a beta reader (70%), someone being cruel (20%) and someone actually liking my story (10%). Not that I blame the 70%. I come across stories on Wattpad that kill me because the storyline is good but the writing is awful. Still, this rarely stopped me from writing. I’ve definitely come up with better storylines and my writing may not be impeccable, but the beta-reader comments have backed off. Thing is, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve written things down, less. I just started letting the stories play out in my head and moving on. I haven’t written a fanfic in some time.

And then that’s where ‘rona comes in. I’ve been thinking of ideas for a while now for a few Witcher fanfics and I finally forced myself to type them up. So far, I’ve have 2 stories. A Jaskier x Reader and my own rendition of Geralt meeting a mermaid for the first time. I have another idea or two but who knows if I can push myself to type those up. I’m just hoping my first post back on Fanfiction.net won’t be full of the same comments I used to get. Hell, even with the mean comments, I was just happy to even get any. There were several stories I had that would get maybe a handful of views and that’s it. I’m actually iffy about having the Jaskier x Reader because he wasn’t even a character option when I was setting up the story. This tells me either this is a new category or it isn’t a highly viewed one. Either way, we’ll see.

Growing

Smooth and confident movements are becoming easier. I am realizing how much better I feel when I complete a task without thinking too hard.

Work is still hard but I’m getting there. I just hate that I get so flustered so easily. Someone could literally ask me something I know how to do and my face still flushes and my brain still fogs.

Ugh I need to get it together!

My stomach hurts

I already feel so inferior. I don’t have my life figured out. I only enjoy writing and I’m not a very competitive to earn a position anywhere. What am I supposed to do with my life?

But remember, you’re only 22. You have your whole life ahead of you. You have time.

But she’s just making it worse! I think I’m probably overreacting to this but even the thought of the end of us twists my stomach and captures my breath. It feels so painful and, yet, it’s such a dramatic response. I hate when I jokingly think of a negative response and it becomes the only one I can think of.

5-2-20 ~I saw a bird in Wal-mart

Sorry it has been SO long! I’m gonna be honest, I bought a Nintendo Switch Lite on Tuesday and I haven’t been able to put it down since. Literally, the moment I get home from work, I change and I play on the dang thing. I’ll play it until 10-11pm and then I’ll get ready for bed. It’s like a vicious gaming cycle! I’ve bought 3 games so far. They are= Animal Crossing: New Horizons, The Witcher 3, and Spyro (the one with 3 games remastered on it). I’ve been glued to Spyro, mostly. I think it said I was about 63% done with Ripto’s Rage which is the one I used to play when I was little and to be honest, it’s the only reason I bought the game. I know it has 2 other games on there and I might play those one day. I completely suck at The Witcher 3. I died 2 times within 10 minutes of playing. The first time was because I accidentally drew my sword around some soldiers and couldn’t remember how to sheathe it so they attacked and then I restarted with low health and accidentally fell down a drop off. This reminds me of the time I tried to get into Skyrim and died because a pack of wolves attacked me. I just suck at those types of games. There’s just so much to remember in the controls compared to the simple games like the other 2 I bought. And sometimes I struggle with those, ha! Anyway, I saw a bird at Wal-Mart while getting the Switch Lite and thought it was sweet it stayed there long enough for me to get a picture. Some woman was upset about it but it’s just a bird. They actually come in to Wal-Mart more than some people think (mainly ‘cuz no one thinks about that). I think they just tend to stay higher.

There’s not much to report on Dad’s Book. I’ve wanted to write but just been so lazy and glued to my new console. I do feel a bit guilty about buying it since I should save that money for when we eventually move. We need to be faster since there’s a new hole in the floor in the kitchen and we still have one of our toilets clogged. This house is just a mess. Speaking of house, last night I had this really weird dream that we were robbed and my roommate and I were trying to tell the police what happened. It got frustrating because when I tried to tell them my side, my roomie would butt in and try to add to the story. Eventually, the cop had to interview us separately. One of the things that sucked was both mine and her car were stolen. Although, in the dream, my mom’s car was there for some reason. Anytime I have dreams like that where it seems so realistic, I spend a good hour trying to remind myself it didn’t actually happen.

Okay, I need to stop blogging. I’m at work and even though I’m bored, I still need to go do something.

4-20-20

Sorry its been so long. About a week, I think. I’ve been really busy these last three days with work. I’ve had to deal with my anxiety of working Front Desk, as well, but I know I’ve gotten better in some parts. I’m faster checking people in/out and faster with taking reservations over the phone. There was an incident, though, where someone had stayed with us one night and asked to stay another but didn’t pay for it. I had to make a new reservation for them for that second night and told them to come down and pay for it. They originally called and said they’d pay in cash. I talked with my boss about how a cash payment goes and called them back to remind them that paying with cash means a $100 deposit and they still needed a card for incidentals. The man said he’d be right down. Hours later, I’d forgotten about it but remembered about an hour before my shift ended so I wrote on a sticky note for the next coworker and then I was bombarded with people trying to check in early. Eventually, things settled by the time I had to leave and the next day, I came in for the same shift and another coworker told me the coworker that relieved me yesterday said she’d gone up there to check on them but didn’t know if they were even in the room. So, I waited until a reasonable time and called their room. No answer. I went up and knocked on the door. Again, no answer and I could hear the TV was on. I waited another hour and then called the phone number attached to their reservation and left a voicemail when no one answered. I talked with the boss and he looked into their previous stays and found a card on one of them, so I believe he may have been able to charge them but I’m not sure how that works, exactly. Regardless, I did learn to be more aggressive about people paying their rooms. Next time, I’ll tell the person they need to be here, at the desk, before I even make the reservation. Or, they need to at least give me their card number to hold the room. 

I did have a sweet encounter with a guest that I chatted with and he came out of his room later on and an hour or two before my shift ended, asked me if I’d had lunch. You’re not really supposed to eat during the shift but some coworkers may snack during the slower times. I’d had about half my Nature Valley bar but that was it so I told him no. He was really nice and he went out and bought me food from Wing Café (I believe that’s the name of the place) and I felt super grateful. I could tell he wasn’t doing this for any particular reason other than to be nice because he never asked for anything in return, even when he showed up later to buy a few snacks. I’m pretty sure he’s been at the hotel before because him and the coworker that was relieving me were talking like they had met before. Either way, it was really nice. I was a little sad they left before my shift started the next day since I was hoping to wish them a safe trip. 

Of course, I’ve also had a few guests come in and while checking them in, they hit on me and it always surprises me or catches me off guard. Not that I think I’m not good looking or anything. I just don’t think about flirting. I’m so focused on just trying to check them in and not mess anything up, while being fast and professional. That, and I have a boyfriend, so it’s not on my mind. I was pissed by the last guy who hit on me, right before I got off because I let him know I had a boyfriend and that I loved said boyfriend. The guest just said something like, “Well, I love my wife but- “and then I couldn’t understand the last part but even if you joke when you say that, it would still have hurt the wife’s feelings, I imagine. I had one construction worker hit on me and then he left, came back a week or two later, and he had a woman and child with him. I never looked to see if he had a wedding band but it still pissed me off. I have a strong emotion against cheaters. There are very, very few that I’ve met that redeem themselves and never even think about making that cruddy choice again, but most… Most people don’t care. Just like the few people who I’ve realized were married and hitting on me. It’s one thing to hit on someone (cuz you gotta get the message across that you like someone, somehow- just be tasteful about it) and it’s another to have a significant other and not care about it. I just keep imagining their S.O. finding out and then feeling really hurt by it. 

Anyway, lets get to a nicer topic. I’ve been talking more with my therapist and it has been really nice. I actually had to change to a different therapist because the problems I am dealing with were more suited for someone else’s experience. As sad as I was to leave the first therapist/counselor, I’m happy that I chose this one. She’s been really nice and understanding, so far. Sometimes, she does take a while to respond so I may message her once or twice almost every day but she did tell me it would be easier to schedule appointments where we can video chat. I need to do that, but my plan is to do it on a day where I’m out in town so I can get better signal. I’ve also put a small halt on my Dad’s book for now. It’s been difficult just in one week to keep up with my thoughts. I’ll get back to the book when I can.

Right now, I need to eat some dinner and head to bed. I agreed to take on a really busy Housekeeping shift tomorrow. It’s weird saying that. We were booked up by a group today, so there’s money coming in from that. 😊 I’ll be there most of the day, though. And then, I have one last scheduled shift for Front Desk on Wednesday. Boss said he would try and give me a Houseman shift if he can after Wednesday but I’m not holding my breathe since he wasn’t able to give me shifts for, like, a month. Besides, the Houseman shifts will probably be only three hours long. They’d barely be gas money. 

Okay, I’m gonna end the journal here and eat some dinner. I hope everyone stays safe out there!

Down 4-14-20

Nothings worse to me than starting the day feeling up but not even going 2 hours in and going down. I walked like my counselor suggested and on the walk I told myself I needed to focus on me and not daydream. So I compromised and daydreamed that I was hanging out with Henry Cavill and Freya Allan cuz why not. (Sorry celebrities who don’t know me, but you’re helping) Somehow, my imagination got onto my traumas. I explained to them about the times my uncle tommy made me uncomfortable and a man named Jim who used to go to a church up the road from my house touched my butt when I was a teenager. At the time of daydreaming all of this, I was still jokey and my down side was creeping in. By the second hour, I’d showered and began feeling miserable. I told my counselor all of this in a chapter long message (sorry counselor) and she admitted that her specialty wasn’t sexual abuse but she did think that I needed therapy so there’s that.

Another thing she suggested is that I take 20 minutes of no electronics time and write. Ultimately, she wants me to do like an hour or two no electronics and write in those 20 minutes but I’d probably take the entire 2 hours to write. Which is what I’ve been doing most of my day. I’ve written page after page of random thoughts and I expected to feel so good. I do, to some degree, but I feel worse to another degree. I feel I need to be by myself, or talking to a therapist. I’ve kept these problems in for so long because I never really considered them big issues. I assumed I got over them. Them and all the classmates I had who objectified me and my ex boyfriends who made me so uncomfortable. I know how Aimee from Sex Education felt when she was dealing with her trauma from the man on the bus. Batting the thought off at first but knowing I need to fix it eventually.

Something has to change.

4-13-20

I’m writing at 1:48am and I’m sorry if this has a lot of errors in spelling. I’m avoiding turning on too many lights in the house so I won’t wake up Sarah or Grayson.

So, I’m caught between two directions right now. And I mean right this second. Basically, the two directions are negative and positive. I have a huge tendency to listen or watch something that changes my personality for a bit. I’m assuming this is normal for most people, though. It’s just, I’ve been listening to Tessa Violet’s Bad Ideas album and it happens that every time I even get halfway through the album I want to crack out my wine, paint my lips dark, dress in that hot but a total bitch kinda way, and sit in my negative thoughts. I’m very confused about that since I actually kind of want to go through a phase like that but then about 2 hours later (sometimes more) I come back to my senses and repeat the process. I think about jumping into a negative habit like drinking more so I can enjoy that feel good tipsy time. I just wish I felt better. Anyway, the more positive direction is to type out my feelings, talk with my counselor, and dig down into my project for dad.

Okay, it’s almost 3am. I need to go to bed.