Have you heard of Maladaptive Daydreaming?

Between the ages of 5 and 10, I lived in a very old house where there are a few indentations in the walls from when I used to lightly but repeatedly bang my head while I daydreamed.

I later found out, through a night’s worth of research, that this was a common symptom of something not recognized as a disorder but known as Maladaptive Daydreaming, or MD for short.

At the time, my family picked at me, because I was almost always doing this. Just beating my head against anything while I daydreamed about being a hero or a damsel in distress. I daydreamed near walls at home or even on the seats during the bus route to school. I even remember a particular day where a friend of mine put her hand behind my head to stop me and I just ignored her, diving even deeper into my own imagination.

I thought it was normal to daydream this much as a kid and to an extent, I believe I was right. However, I never grew out of this and it became apparent that my daydreaming not only stemmed from something but was worsening and hindering me from living a normal life. Actually, it still very much does.

I stopped beating my head at some point before Middle School and just started messing with my fingers or shaking my legs. If I was in bed, I’d rock or hum until this put me to sleep. I didn’t think my daydreaming would really effect the relationships I had with my friends and family until one day, I was trying to get a friend of mine to play some imaginary game with me, yes in Middle School, and she finally just looked at me and told me “You can’t always live in a fantasy world. You need to start thinking about reality”. I’m paraphrasing, of course. But those words hit me and it forced me to take a look at myself.

Sadly, I experienced the loss of my father just before my first day as a high schooler, so I spiraled instead of getting better. The imaginary characters I played with through ought my childhood and teenage years were one of the many things that helped me get through this hard time in my life. But, because of this, I never got over the loss of my father and possibly not my Mimi who died about four years later.

I would even go as far as creating original characters who I wanted, desperately, to look and act like and I even wrote out stories as a better way of cementing the imagination. The worlds in my head were so vivid. I haven’t ever technically seen them outside my head, but they always felt so real to me.

I’ve tried stopping for years, even going a few days without even wanting to daydream because I recently started dating someone and I believe MD is hindering me from getting close to him. It scares me that I can’t think and act like a regular person. So, once I earn the money from my new job, I’m getting help from a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, whatever it takes to end this. I want to see myself as me, again. I want to handle my emotions properly and take control of my life. This will be very difficult and I know I’ll have to face the traumas I’ve experienced in my life that most likely started this, but I’m tired of hiding from it and I need the help.

My review of Yaz (Nikki) birth control- Warning: mature content

In all honesty, I should have listened to the reviews. In short, Yaz has flipped me upside down. Here’s a quick list of the symptoms I’ve acquired since I’ve been on it for 32 days: Breast pain, worsened anxiety and depression, worsened cramps during menstruation, little to no acne change, mood swings, even less of a sex drive than I already had.

The list could go on but I haven’t noticed any other symptoms, yet. It would probably be worse if I put some other factors into it. Regardless, I have to stop taking it because I can’t take the symptoms anymore. I’m not gaining anything from this birth control and only went on it to help with my acne and because I’m having only the slightest problems staying regular.

Since this is my first time on birth control, I’m a bit worried for any future takes. This is similar to how nervous I become when talking about trying out different prescriptions for my mental health.

I need a visit to the OBGYN anyway so once I can get the $$$ and set that up, I think I’ll have a better chance at not messing up my body. So, ladies, listen to your bodies during the first pack!

A moment of clarity

How long will this last? Who knows. All I know is that I’m taking advantage of it because, as per my last post, I’m tired and I’m tired of making posts with such negative (although true- I cannot deny myself of my emotions) content.

Earlier today, as I was clicking through link after link of job applications I could fill out, I stopped and remembered something my boyfriend said to me yesterday. He told me to wait a few weeks at this job and see how I feel. If I still want to quit then, at least, I gave this type of job a shot. At the time of him telling me this, I was still incredibly anxious, so I just stored the advice to look at later. And, that’s just what I did while I stared at the multiple tabs of job listings on my laptop.

First, I thought about the reasons I even wanted the job to begin with: I wouldn’t have to do much talking, all I had to do was clean, and the hours weren’t too bad.

So, my brain asked, why do you still dislike this job even though it has almost all the qualifications of the type of job you wanted?

I had to think about the answer and even took the laptop off of my lap and coiled my fingers together.

It’s because I’m anxious. But I know the job isn’t as hard as I’m making it out to be. I mean, I’m cleaning. Granted, I need to be quicker but I only just started. So, I just need more shifts and I’ll be fine, just like all of the jobs I’ve had before.

And I just felt better. I let out a lot of the emotion I had stored up all day and felt so much more outside of my anxiety. As the hours had passed, I’d felt worse because the time to sleep was drawing near and I just couldn’t take the idea that I have work in the morning. However, now I don’t feel as anxious. Granted, I will be changing jobs soon, unless I’m just absolutely loving it. I hadn’t thought too far ahead of the type of work I was going into and now I’m stuck working hours I’m not as fond of, along with working weekends which were the only times I could see certain members of my family. I don’t know why I’d assumed I wouldn’t be working weekends and even at the time I was asked in the interview if I could. Of course, naive me just said yes because I was desperate.

Anyway, I will just power through until I find something that ticks my boxes. Maybe I’ll try and power through at least 3 months and see how I’m feeling. I’m not 100% on the game plan, yet.

P.S. I’m having some interesting pain in my left knee cap, so work should be fun. I’ve been told I’m damaging my knees because a gym teacher in high school, once, saw me W sitting. She warned that it wasn’t good for me but I ignored it because it’s almost always how I sit on flat surfaces. Well, I guess I may have to stop because after pulling my leg straight from the W position last night, the pain I endured stopped me in my tracks. 😦

I’m tired and I’m tired of making posts like this

Hey, it’s Tiff again. Now I’m usually fine with being open about my anxiety but the thing is, I’ve been trying to ignore a bigger problem that has been apart of my life for some time and it’s my depression. For a while, I’ve been teetering on whether or not to tell people I was or am still depressed because for several months, I was on top of my game and I didn’t even think I felt depressed. Things just made sense around me and my confidence was better than ever. However, I’ve come to a conclusion that it’s back and with that, I’ve been trying to find solutions to fix myself back to wherever I was a few months ago.

The beginning of August was when my anxiety and depression started chewing little holes in my thoughts and those thoughts have, since, worsened to the point that conversation is so hard for me. I’m difficult to talk to because I, literally, do not have the energy to open my mouth. It’s almost like I’m in Sailor Moon and my energy is being sucked out of me by Queen Beryl herself.

Another bit of nonsense that comes with this crud is that I can barely eat most of the time. It’s especially worse in the mornings because I’ve got work, so my first three days with my job, I ate one bite of my bagel and had to force myself to even swallow it. So, this means I end up with low energy because I burn through that one bite really quickly and my stomach is back on flat ground again. Today is my first day off, so I was able to eat a whole bagel and a red pear with some tea for breakfast. At my favorite bookstore, I got a coffee and a muffin but those gave me a stomach ache so I could only ingest about half of both. My boyfriend and I ate out at a little sandwich and soup shop and I felt even sicker after that. He’s, since, gone to the local humane society (to do good people things) and gone home so I’m just trying to collect my thoughts back at the bookstore and let my stomach settle.

I had tried talking to my mom about my anxiety/depression and she said she wasn’t sure she could help but she gave me a suggestion of contacting our local college to see about their (in training) counselor program. So just before I went into the store, I contacted them and I was told a very low and convenient price; however, their wait list goes on until October. I know myself well enough to know I can’t go that long without help so I thanked the woman and decided to do a little more research. So far, I’ve found two other clinics to contact and I’ll try those numbers and hope there isn’t a wait list. My only other hope after that is to go speak to the doctor I used to go to and start on medication, again. I don’t like taking medicine because I have a fear of addiction but my shitty feelings are out-weighing that, right now.

I’ll try to keep y’all updated as much as I can and any advice would be greatly appreciated. I’ve just set us up a twitter page if you ever want to talk to any of us privately. If anyone wants to tell us how they’re feeling they are more than welcome to message us on there! I want to build a better relationship with everyone. Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/iffybiffy100

New Job, New Work Anxiety

With every new job I get, the anxiety of not knowing what I’m doing or not doing it good enough comes along with it! Tomorrow, I will be on my own for the first time and I told myself on the drive home “When you get home, make a list of all the steps you need to take to complete your tasks in a fast manner” and I knew that would also help me remember all the tasks that I have to do. Do you know what I’m doing instead? I’m looking at stay at home jobs because my anxiety has pushed me so hard that I don’t want to leave the house. Or maybe it’s depression. I am unsure at this point.

I’ve noticed that every time I pick up my notebook to write, my stomach cramps and I put the notebook down, which makes my stomach cramp again. It’s almost like my anxiety is pushing and pulling me at the same time. Apart of me is worried that even after I write the list, I’ll still be gripped with anxiety and I’ll have wasted my time instead of spending it trying to relax.

I can’t relax, though. I talked with my mom about this, because our entire family has anxiety and depression issues so she knows and understands what I’m going through. The last time I talked to her about this, I’d had a bit of a break down and knew I needed help. She told me to meet her at a diner the next day and gave me money for doctor’s visits and medicine. At the time, I was lucky to make over $100 a week working at the pub, so when I told her I just didn’t have the money, she swooped in and did what moms do best. This time; however, she directed me to a cheaper route of going to (in training) counselors at our local college. My mom and step-dad are helping another family member out with their mental needs- won’t go too much into detail- so, it would be too expensive to add me on. I’m still unsure if I can afford it. This new job doesn’t do full time (not that I could physically or emotionally handle that) and I’m making 10 cents less than I did at my other job at the daycare. So far, I’ve worked about 12 hours this week and I’m already always so drained about 3-4 hours into my shift. I don’t know if I could handle another part-time job and it would be difficult to schedule sessions anyway.

I’m off on Monday and Tuesday so my brain just keeps telling me, get through tomorrow. Thing is, tomorrow is going to be too stressful for me to take any delight in the fact that I can sleep in for the next two days.

Okay, I need to end this anxiety throw up. Nickie G has been able to help ease some anxiety since I wanted to talk aloud about it but wasn’t sure I wanted to talk to someone. I’m still not into the whole, talking to people about my problems, thing. I take precious time during my car rides to talk out loud and hope for the best, but I have to say, it has helped. I guess this is just practice for talking to an (in training) counselor. I wrote everything down that I could, currently, think of to tell the counselor because I suck at remembering and I want to make the sessions count. Wish me luck, please!

Tip #5 Pack your bag early!

A lot of us are pretty bad with procrastinating so as soon as those bags/boxes of school supplies are in your hands, they should be packed away. That way, you won’t have to keep telling yourself “I’ll do it later” and before you know it you’ll have run out of time.

📚📓📚📓

Personally, I’ve never had a problem with this because packing items away has always been oddly satisfying to me. For the most part, it’s smart to get your books early to save money on not having to buy new books although there are some teachers that will admit to not using the book. I would suggest if you can, talking to your teacher about this or at least rent the books so you can just send them back.

Something I wrote on 8/17/19

I’m stranded for the next 15 minutes at the airport so I guess I’ll bullet point the thought processes I wanted to have while working at the daycare.

  • Nothing is really gained from crap talking your coworkers
  • Everyone’s reasonings are not the same as yours
  • Little acts of kindness can make a drastic change
  • It gets easier to control your emotions the more you practice

To elaborate on these bullet points, I’d like to make a few comments. Firstly, at the beginning of my daycare career, I observed plenty of coworkers simply choosing to wait until a particular coworker was gone before bashing them and wondering why they weren’t doing any better. At first, I was getting frustrated along with them, but it occurred to me, one day, that the coworkers talking crap weren’t making any effort to better that coworker. All they did was just assume the poor person would figure it out and until then, things would become tense and uncomfortable. This became such a problem, it was brought up in our monthly meetings and we all had to listen to the directors and assistant directors lecture us as though we were in high school.

Secondly, I’ve had days where I was certain that the reason someone did something, was to spite my team or I. A parent or coworker could say or do something and my team and I would be talking about it all day, thinking they were doing it just to get under our skin and sometimes their true nature would come out and I’d feel like a complete idiot for mentally making them out to be the bad guy. I decided I needed to stop thinking this way. Just because someone decides to do somethings, whether it inconveniences you or not, does NOT always mean they are out to get you. Everyone thinks differently, so their point A to point B won’t be the same as yours.

Thirdly, I’ve had my crap days at work- mostly when we were understaffed- and I’d found that some of the parents could tell when the day had been long. It was usually the parents that were very chill and kind, so they would say or do things for us and help us feel better. I started noticing that even them saying little things or holding a conversation outside of their child would really lighten my mood. In fact, I had a particular parent that would come in around the time we were closing to pick her kid up. I never minded having to wait so long with him being the last toddler because his mom was so fun to talk to and we’d swap funny stories about the toddlers we knew. So, what I’m trying to get at is that I started doing little things for others because it could go a long way, you never know. Plus, it was fun and it made me feel better because I’m always trying to figure out if I’m actually a good person or not.

Lastly, when I first started at the daycare, I will admit I was certain my temper would get the best of me one day. Especially with the two year olds and in one particular two year old room, as well. I struggled until I was moved into the infant room and I immediately realized that infants were a lot easier to handle. But, I also knew that I needed to change my temper, especially since, at the time, I was going to make a living out of teaching children (I love how this job helped me realize I didn’t actually want to do this). So, during our monthly meetings, I would pay close attention to the articles we were given and tried my best to use them in the classrooms. I felt like I was failing a lot at the beginning, but as time went on, I could see that I was getting better. So, I used this to tag along with my general emotions. The times that I started stressing, I would stop, remind myself to think logically, and go from there. Granted, I’m still working on it, but it has helped me not over-react in situations.

So, even though I chose not to continue my career in education, this job has helped me to change many negative aspects of thinking and I won’t forget that!

The Amazon Rainforest?!

So, why is it that I’m only just hearing about the Amazon Rainforest burning? A source of our oxygen and home to many plants and animals is just melting away and it isn’t getting nearly enough media attention! I understand that so much has happened over the course of a few months, in the media, but this is way more important than most of the stuff I’ve read about!

Do any of you talk to yourselves throughout the day?

And I mean straight telling yourself (or whoever you’re talking to) a crazy story of what, literally, just happened and you, yourself, were there to experience every detail. I prefer to say that I’m talking to an imaginary audience and I tend to talk fairly frequently and only when I’m by myself.

I’ve realized, now that Nickie G has officially moved in, that I only talk to the audience for a few reasons: 1) namely that I am alone most of the time (never a bad thing for me) and 2) I just need someone to vent to, sometimes. I don’t like talking real people’s ears off because feeling like a burden is on my top 10 list of social experiences to avoid as much as possible.

Yes, I do realize how crazy I’m coming off. I’ve come to accept it at this point.

So, again, I’m asking if anyone else has that same tendency to talk out loud, maybe even to no one in particular?