Work wor….. zzzzzz

I was asked by a new friend whether or not I enjoyed overtime. Answer: in healthy does.

Right now, I’m tired and the rain is just making it worse. Work has been good so far. I’ve only got to survive two more hours and then I can sleep until tomorrow. Normally Sunday’s are hectic because people take forever to leave or some people want last minute late check outs but today was so easy I felt like I was only half here. I feel like 4 hours ago was yesterday.

I also kinda feel like I’m going crazy. I keep randomly twitching when I try to lay down and relax. Half the time I feel so tired that I’m dreaming. And the dreams I do have are always work related. I can never escape haha. I need a nap.

Detachment

For as many years as I can remember, I’ve been detached and vaguely empathetic. I didn’t want to get close to others and have to open up about my issues. For a long time I thought I could actually live like that. I could, somehow, find a good person to date and we could be together without any issues. We could skip all the discourse because I would avoid getting attached and would be able to see clearly when an issue was rising. But that’s not how that works and deep down, I knew that. I tried, through several relationships, to remain neutral and not become attached. I rarely spoke of my past trauma and I thought I was being smart. I thought, “This is such a normal thing, right? To not be that attached to my significant other. But I’m sure I love them, deep down.” I thought the reason I wasn’t that attached was because we hadn’t been together as long as other couples or if we had been together long, I thought it was still normal. I would look at other couples and hear them talk about how they missed each other when one had to go to work. I used to think, “Wow, you’re kinda dramatic. They’re just another person. You two can be separated and it not be a big deal.” But this was all because I never bothered to connect with my past relationships. Well, that’s mostly true. I seemed to connect with one and fell madly “in love”, I think is the term to use. I would think about them constantly and when they broke up with me, I just chose detachment even quicker.

For years, I could never understand people. I thought I lacked the ability to fall in to this type of love where I would risk my entire being to be with that person and if we didn’t work out I’d have to rebuild myself. Because of this, I’ve had difficulty understanding who I really am and who I want to become in life. All my emotions, actions, thoughts, are constantly being stirred in a big pot in my head. They are set to the side while I daydream about love stories I will never have because I am not the person I thought I didn’t need to be. I could never understand why the stories were so good in my head but I could never emulate them in real life. I didn’t act like the main character. I didn’t open up or show too much emotion. I laughed the other day when I finished reading a historical romance novel and learned the people in that time often had to act detached and show minimal expression. The real me would have fit in well, there. Or the fake me? I’m not sure anymore.

I think I should say the old me. Because I don’t want to think that way anymore. I want to be present in this world, now. I want to choose my emotions and actions and fix what I’ve broken. The reason I found out that this was even possible was because I chose to come back to singularity. I realized my detachment issue was going to be a slow burn that could possibly kill my current relationships if I didn’t take action. I need to be single so I can focus on small attachments. So, I can make little steps and open up. For so long, even while I was in relationships, I would feel so alone and detached. I decided that this probably means I need to understand myself more before I make the effort to understand others. I don’t know myself well enough to be in a relationship. To be frank, I’ve always enjoyed being single, so this isn’t an issue for me. I was recently asked by one of my new favorite people if I enjoy being single (no she wasn’t being rude) and I told her that I do because I’m a selfish person. But, am I really? Or am I just using that as an excuse to hide my detachment? I think I’m with the latter.

If I seem like I’m silent for a long time, I’m just working on myself. I’ve already got my confidence levels up! I’m to the point where complete strangers will try to hit on me at work thinking they are smooth and going to get that blush outta me but then I hit them with that “I know I’m cute” line and they kinda pause for a second. It’s hilarious, but also… I am cute so shut up.

Anyway, that’s all for now. Peace out!

Tired

I am so tired, dude. No, I’m exhausted.

I’m caught between asking for a second day off or working until I become sick and forcing even more days off. I feel like such a baby not being able to deal with working 6 days a week 3 weeks in a row when nurses work so much more. Hell, half the staff I’m working with has either been going 6 or 7 days a week. I can still work, I’ll just have to utilize my down time better. I used to clean so much. Now I’m going to have to rest up while I can.

All I want to do is have two days off to go see my adorable nephew and we can curl up and take a fat nap. Is that too much to ask?

Working 6 days is rough

I’ve been on a roll working as much as I’m asked. Blame covid. It told us “this isn’t my final form” and now we’ve got a few coworkers out quarantining. Hopefully they don’t have it, fingers crossed. I’ve been sleeping as much as I can which is why I’ve been so absent. Every time my phone rings I can safely assume it’s work. Not that I mind. I was just given a raise and if you multiply that with my hours you get… well you get money. And I love money. Of course, I also love sleep and writing while drunk so there’s been one night during the week where I try to tackle the latter.

My personal life has been a bit hectic, as well. Normally if any drama goes on, it’s through work. This has been a bit of a week and all I can say is that it’s not over but things have calmed down. My family has been worrying over my mom and her ordeal. I ended up glued to my phone last night instead of celebrating one of my friend’s birthdays. Of course, he was too drunk to mind. He’s an awesome dude. It’s always nice to see him and his fiancé. They are just too cute! (That’s how my mom says it. “You’re just too cute”)

Anyway, I need to get back to work. The big bosses are here to help us out since covid has been wreaking havoc on us and I’m sure they’d appreciate me not posting something too long. Plus my frazzled brain can’t think of anything else to say. Maybe I can update better tomorrow after I’ve had a nice soak in the bathtub.

Jumping back in before I work

I just got back from having 3 days off during, probably, the worst time to have off. One of my best friends has just graduated college and I couldn’t wait to celebrate this amazing milestone with her! I almost wasn’t able to go due to being severely understaffed, so I appreciate my boss letting me go. Still, I’ll be working my butt off the next two days.

The other day I was sent a link to The Bipolar Writer Podcast for the interview James and I did a few weeks back. I was excited to listen to it and am finally getting to it! I actually received an email from a listener and it completely made my night! I have to say, the background music was one of my favorite parts of the podcast! It was peaceful, and tied everything together. If it was just my awkward a$$ voice, I don’t think anyone would listen haha.

I had a fun time doing the interview and I hope others will reach out to James and share their stories.

https://anchor.fm/jamesedgarskye22/episodes/The-Bipolar-Writer-Podcast-Interview-with-Tiffany-eo70nd