A dream with Buzz Lightyear and cats

I got to wake up this morning to a laugh. I rarely dream something silly enough to make me smile when I wake up so I guess my brain decided to throw me a bone.

I dreamt Buzz Lightyear was defending the world’s population of cats but this evil talking cat created a platform that controls minds as long as the cat is on the platform. (Now keep in mind, the art style of all this was very similar to the 3D art of the Garfield TV show) The evil cat then steals all the cats around him, traps them in cages, and only brings out two to help him control this giant ship he built. Buzz Lightyear is trying his darndest to save these cats when one of the cats somehow gets off the mind control platform. The cat’s all pissed off cuz it was being controlled so they attack the evil cat who loses control of the ship. And as much as Buzz doesn’t want to help the evil cat, he realizes that he needs to at least get control of the ship otherwise it’ll crash and cats will be harmed. So he gets inside and starts fighting off the other cats that are attacking the evil cat, all while explaining that he’s only helping to save the cats, not the evil one.

And then I woke up to my work alarm.

7-21-20 I added pics this time ❤️❤️

Time to watch our laundry perform wet & dry 360s
Seriously, who is Jamal? And why are the spam texts always about dick pills??

Ive made a new friend and had a good day at work

I made a Bumble account, matched with a new friend, we had a great conversation and then I slept well and had a wonderful shift at work! We all got done at the same time and the rooms weren’t horrible looking.

Also I got this weird text message that I screenshotted while typing up this post. When I ask who tf Jamal is, this is what I’m talking about?! I get texts like these al the time for whoever Jamal is.

My roommate is with me and we are, once again, at the laundromat. I took a selfie this time. Our clothes might be done washing. Lemme check real quick.

Okay, I’m back. The loads have 1 minute left. I’m too lazy to stand by them.

I heard them ding. Time to go load them into the dryers. Alright. 40 minutes until they’re done. I’ve got 20% left on my phone and many thoughts to write about. Gotta type fast. Also I have snacks to eat. I shoulda brought my Switch lite but a certain roommate still has my 🔌 cord.

I think I’m gonna stalk around Twitter for a bit cuz the thoughts to write have kinda left my brain.

I’m trying to arrive at Comfortable

For the past few years, I’ve been toying with who I am and trying to really figure out what I need not what I want. It feels like I’m a frog jumping on different lily pads but then I turn around and jump back on the same one without realizing it. Thing is, that visit with the doctor seemed to really jimmy something loose in my brain. I know what I need but not quite the exact ways to get to it. Mostly because I’m jumping into unknown territory.

I don’t need to be with someone unless I am absolutely comfortable, whether that be us dating casually or just being around them in general. I need to go out and meet people. However, Coronavirus is still a thing, so maybe not right now. I was talking to my roommate and she actually suggested I get on Bumble because you can make the preference for friends, so I think I’ll give that a try. There’s less harm in messaging over the internet, maybe. As long as I’m not broadcasting my address or messaging toxic people. Or the one being toxic. Because, let’s not forget, sometimes we can be the toxic ones.

I’ve also been listening to different songs and I think Waiting for Superman by Daughtry is what I’m feeling right now.

7-20-20

Wow, it’s already they 20th day of July! Holy cow!

So, there are some strangers in the house, today. Well, strangers to me. They’re here as handymen to fix a few things. They seem pretty chill and they look like they know what they’re doing. My roommates out buying a few things like bowls, plates, and maybe cups. General things we need but, for some reason, have waited until now to purchase. Can’t exactly eat all the groceries we just bought on nothing. Well, unless we eat straight from the pan. I need to finish up the dishes so our sink can be empty for the bowls and plates but I need to update you guys on my life first.

So, as I said in my last post, my cat Oreo has been missing since Thursday night and we still haven’t seen him. No one has called my number and I’ve asked a couple neighbors who haven’t seen him either. Roomie and I found a couple lost and found pages for our area on Facebook so we posted there, as well. I miss my buddy so much that I had a few dreams about him last night. But there isn’t anything I can do but wait and keep my eye out for him when I go out for runs.

As for work, I’m feeling that familiar annoyance with myself. I’m not as fast as the others at cleaning rooms and no one leaves until everyone is done. So, that’s not exactly a positive thought process for myself. I keep kicking myself for not being as fast, but I’m so hard-headed that right after I get off work I immediately think “I’ll be faster tomorrow” and I usually get roughly the same results. Although, it isn’t completely my fault. This job’s carts are smaller than my old ones. I can’t pile as much on there as I need. Plus, they don’t have as many sheets or towels like my old job. Towards the end of working at the old job, I almost never went downstairs to get anything and got done with my rooms at a roughly sensible time. Regardless, I just need to be faster. I keep overthinking and that slows me down. The coworkers are pretty chill, though.

I’m just trying not to remind myself that I have work tomorrow because I want to enjoy today, but it’s getting pretty difficult and I can feel the anxiety setting in. What’s worse about the anxiety is that the more I have of it, the less I eat. And I need food to have energy to work faster. But I can’t eat because I get stomach aches and it’s just one big cycle. I used to deal with this a lot when I first started at my old job. Eventually, I worked a different shift and had less anxiety and it also helped that I grew closer with my coworkers. I’m hoping something similar happens here.

As for the unpacking, I’m almost finished! I’ve unpacked all that I can until I can get a new desk. Otherwise, my desk stay will have to stay in their box. The thing is, I’m picky about my desks. None of the desks at the 2 Wal-Mart locations looked good enough. They were too thin with not very much storage space; however, I don’t like my desks being huge and clunky either. I’ll also need a chair which is funny because I haven’t had a desk chair in a few years. The way my desk was set up in the old house was that my bed was directly next to it so the bed was the chair. But that’s not been good for my back, so I need a chair. Plus, I actually have the room. My bedroom isn’t as small as I expected it to be. I bought a full-sized bed, worried that it would take up most of the room, but the room is bigger than I’d anticipated which is definitely not a complaint. I have a lot of blank wall, too. I’m not sure how I’ll go about decorating that because there is only so much we are allowed to do. It’ll be an adventure, nonetheless.

Okay, I hate to end this; however, I have dishes to wash and a laptop to charge. I hope everyone’s day is going well and I will see you online~

Will update soon

I promise I’ll update what’s going on soon! Hopefully tomorrow or Monday. We arrived on Thursday and I’ve had to work everyday for so far. All I can say is that my body is sore and my cat, Oreo, is missing. I’m mentally and physically exhausted and we still aren’t done unpacking. Not nearly done.

I’m currently sitting at a laundromat with my roommate since we don’t have a washer/dryer set. Hoping to get one soon. Although I’m kinda digging the laundromat scene. It’s giving me Carole and Tuesday vibes.

We haven’t moved quite yet

We move tomorrow, actually. Roomies mom is planning on helping us out by letting us use her trailer. So maybe it’ll all be done in one trip and I won’t have to think about coming back to this rundown trailer/condemned house ever again. All I’ve been doing is packing the last few little things and playing Witcher 3. Oh and becoming single but that’s possibly a story for later.

Also, if someone could send help. We have a Huntsmen spider under my roommates bed and I refuse to go after it. I’ll kill most insects that get in the house, but I’m not very good with killing anything with 8 or more legs.

I hate to cut this post so short but I’m meeting up with a few friends one last time. See y’all online~

Tomorrow, we move

I’m excited. Don’t get me wrong. I really, really am. But what I’m not excited about is the fact that this is gonna take a couple trips and the driving is a few hours one way. Now, I don’t mind driving. If it’s an area I know well. I’m gonna have to be relying on GPS here. I have a good bit of stuff that’s already packed in the car for round 1 so maybe round 2 won’t be so bad. I just want to be moved in already. I’m impatient. I want things to be settled down. Okay, well I guess I don’t mind the packing and unpacking part. It’s like redecorating in a way. It’s the driving. On the interstate. Not a big fan of that. I don’t think my pets will be, either.

Anyway, roomie and I are headed to NERDtorch one last time before we start round 1 of moving in the early morning. I’m going to miss this group. They’ve been such amazing friends and will continue to be, just at a bigger distance. I saw my siblings for the last time and got a really funny picture I put on my Insta (@tiff.n.mann) of them sleeping after a really long, long night.

I’m absolutely exhausted, myself. I think I might take a nap on the beanbag chair. I’ll see you dudes online~

7-9-20 part 2 of Assessment

(Warning, yes, I’ve totally been drinking a bit)

Good evening, readers, fellow internet friends, and people I’ve met in person. I’m here to relay to you my diagnosis from the Psychological Assessment Center. It appears I am suffering from PTSD and Anxiety (phobia related and general), and Depression. I can finally stop self-diagnosing and assuming. After scoring the PAI, it came back with descriptions of myself that matched to a capital T. It even summarized that I’m not really sure what direction I’m going in life and that I tend to have introverted behaviors. Granted, if you’ve met me, the introverted behaviors would be obvious but this machine has not met me and, yet, my answers were enough for it to know as if I’d told it my whole life story. Technology is so interesting.

So, my next steps, you may have asked? Trauma therapy and medication. I’m unsure of who I’ll be doing the therapy with since Nickie G and I will be moving next week but whoever they are will probably be the one to see me spill more than just words. I’ve been avoiding crying or showing too much emotion because it feels like too much to show. I’ve never been huge on showing weakness. I think I get that from my dad. It usually requires me being inebriated.

~~~~~ TW- Sexual Assault

Last week, I had a nightmare I was sexually assaulted by a man I’ve never seen before while I was at work. No one took me seriously, even after I begged them to call 911. I, eventually, had to do it and tried explaining that I would be going with an ambulance to the coworker at the front desk but she just shrugged things off. And something I’ve noticed since I had that nightmare is that I’m a lot jumpier. Strangers talking to me makes me more uncomfortable, men especially. Normally, at work I tend to get hit on, roughly, once a week since there are a lot of new guests each day. I used to not really care about it but now it bothers me. Cars passing by me when I walk up to the church where my dad is buried catches me more off guard. There was a white van driving behind me the other day and I planned to pull over at the church I previously mentioned to make sure it wasn’t following me, but it turned on another road before I had to do that. I have to say, that nightmare really fucked up my mental standing.

Jumping to a different topic. Tomorrow is my last day at work. I’m pretty sad about it considering I have a really good team. Everyone works fairly well with one another. I hope everyone at my new job is as cool as them. My current boss joked that I can’t leave because I know too many things. Normally, I try not to brag but it comes with the territory since I, literally, know how to do almost every shift in that building. I like to think of myself as a powerhouse with anxiety. I can do a good job, but I still make some fuck-ups here and there.

I need to get some sleep. I feel emotionally and physically exhausted. See you online, folks~

7-8-20

Sorry for the late posting. I would have posted on Monday since I was supposed to have my second visit for my Assessment and they would be scoring my PAI, but then I had to reschedule. Basically, I ended up still working on Monday even though I’d asked for it off and when I called to reschedule the doctor offered to just do a whole different day. So, I have the visit scheduled for tomorrow and I’m hoping work will be as good as its been throughout the week. I haven’t had too many rooms and I was even able to hang out with one of my best friends from Florida! We had a good bit to drink and I woke up exhausted the next morning but it was all worth it! She’s always been there for me and she asked a very important question that didn’t occur to me as important until I went to answer.

For context, we were talking about really hot dudes and she was telling me about one she planned on seeing and when she showed me his picture, she was doing her usual sex talk and I randomly commented that I just needed a hug. She turned to me and asked what my first thought when I saw the picture and it occurred to me that I had zero interest in “humping” the poor dude. All I wanted was to be held and not be sexualized. That’s it. Is that too much to ask?

I realized in that conversation that I need a different relationship style. I don’t need anything sexual right now. I’m at a very sensitive time in my healing process at the moment. I’ve just opened a traumatic wound in the hopes of healing it correctly. The doctor even advised against anything sexual and I heartily agree with her. I just can’t do it right now.

I need to start my life in this new state with a new slate. The move is coming up next week and I’m excited for the new friendships I could get. I feel like the rest of this year just needs to be a more mental health focus.

Until then, I’ll see you online~

Liquid Courage

It’s time to think and thinking I am doing

Doing what I need to do to feel free

Free to choose who I want in my life

Life that is already so difficult

Difficult to deal with trauma

Trauma that I don’t know how to heal

Healing that is so hard to do

Do you like me sexually?

Sexually, I can’t handle anything

—-

That’s it. I can’t handle anything. Just hold me and fucking tell me things are going to be okay because I really can’t see them being anything else!