Emotions?

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have them. Or like I don’t care enough. People will be telling me things and all I can think is “I don’t care.” There have been times in my life where I have said that or I’ve just reminded people that I don’t really understand what they’re saying and that I’ve stopped listening and later on I remind myself how rude I was. But then I don’t care again. It’s like I lack emotion at times.

Drama at work #2

Sorry this is so late. I slept most of the day away and then had to go to work at 3pm so I am currently typing this as fast as I can on my phone.

We had 3 guests staying with us a month or so ago. 2 women and 1 man. Now, from the start, it was obvious that at least 2 of them were either currently using drugs or had used them fairly recently. It’s hard to pinpoint what exactly gives it away, but working here has taught me to be careful of these individuals. Now, if you read my first post, you would know that I have to be on my toes about these locals and these 3 were no exception. What was new to me was that only 2 of the 3 of them were using something. The third, the other woman, always seemed to be somewhat sober and I have a feeling she was the one handling the finances. So, each day, they would stay over another day and pay in cash. We had a rule against that; however, my GM made an exception on them. After they left, we’ve cracked down on that rule. anyway, guests started complaining and some of the other staff were noticing odd behaviors from the three. One night, the man started throwing food and then yelling in the lobby. They were locals and we barely tolerate them so the next day I was told to kick them out if they tried to stay another night. This was fine by me because I was getting tired of reading about them in our log book.

So, the 1 sober woman came to me and asked for another night. The thing is, she tried to say she had earned a free night stay because of a deal we had going on at the time. Here’s the thing. She didn’t qualify for it because the deal states that you can’t just keep staying over to earn those days. You have to check out and wait some time before checking in again. This is to stop people like her from abusing the system. When I explained this to her, she wasn’t happy. She threatened to call corporate and I told her to go ahead because I knew who’s side they’d be on. After a while, she called from the room saying that corporate had told her to tell me to give her a free night. Obvious lie. I told her we couldn’t do that.

At this point, she knows she won’t win on that route so she sends the other woman to give us cash. I was honest with her and told her she had to leave because we were getting complaints about their behavior. She took this news surprisingly well and apologized before heading back. A little while later, the man came to the front. He pulled out a wad of cash and said he wanted to pay for another night. At this point, my patience was about gone. I was close to just threatening them with police action because I knew they’d haul ass outta here if the mention of police came up. Still, I told him no. One of my coworkers was watching us and told the man that we were simply out of rooms and that’s why they had to leave. I was all for telling him the truth but I kept up their lie and agreed that we were sold out. He left for a bit but came right up to me after I’d gotten off the phone from making a reservation with a guest. Apparently, he’d been listening in on our conversation and he was now recording me on his phone. This didn’t scare me so much as it just irritated me even more. I stuck with the lie and simply just kept repeating “Check out is at 11. Please leave.” He flipped open his wallet, partially revealing a toy police badge, and tried to offer me cash again. I told him to go and before he finally went back to his room, he pulled out a piece of paper and tucked it near our marketplace snacks. I unfolded it and chucked it because all it was, was a weird symbol.

Finally, after about an hour past check out time, they were rolling their items through the lobby. The man looked at us before he left and said, “I’ll delete that video I took of y’all right now if you admit y’all have rooms available.” I told him he needed to leave and he just smiled and said, “Alright, I like a challenge”, before he finally left for good. I haven’t seen them since.

My Spectrum of Dreams-Mature Content

Last night I had a couple of dreams that left me with a whirlwind of emotions.

In my first one, I was hanging around the wrong man and he’d get on my nerves. We were dating but I had my eyes on an old coworker I used to work at a pub with. The guy I was seeing would take drugs and start attacking me. I’d fight back and he’d suddenly act like he was the victim. He even went as far as to bring his sister in the mess. I broke up with him and was leaving the building we were in when I came across another man who stopped me in the street to ask a question. I can’t remember the question but after I answered, he jumped at me and sexually assaulted me. I was a mess and could barely understand what was going on or why it had happened. I escaped him and tried to heal. Some friends came to visit me and we made our way through a little shop with nerdy merchandise when I saw the second man who had assaulted me. I panicked and fell to the floor. I explained to my friends what had happened and they each took an arm and guided me away from him. He tried to come up to us but my friends were adamant that he’d regret it if he tried anything. After that encounter, I was with the old coworker from the pub that I’d been crushing on when the first guy I’d dated came up to me. He had his sister with him and she slapped down papers of screenshotted messages between her and I about her brother’s abuse toward me. She threatened to call the police and say I was the abuser so I told her to do it because she didn’t have evidence of that. Hell, we both had bruises, it’s just my drug test results would come back negative, unlike his. There was more in the dream but I can’t remember most of it or even how it ended. I just remember rolling over in bed and staying silent for a long time. I felt mildly panicked, still, but I didn’t want to talk about it with my roommate. It was just a dream, after all. I just hate the feeling that came over me even after I woke up. It was like it had actually happened to me.

The second dream was completely different. A 180, if you will. It started off with another ex-coworker crush and I seated at work. He was being funny and a little bit flirty with me so I tried to flirt back but I kept reminding myself that he had a wife. At some point, the two of us left work and I met his daughter who was playing with some sort of cotton candy toy and I met his mother-in-law. I noticed the wife wasn’t around and wanted to question it, but didn’t have to. His MIL commented something about the two of them being divorced and it was like my heart jumped out of my chest. I tried to seem inconspicuous but it was probably the most obvious crush in the world. I, eventually, met his ex wife, and we actually kind of hit it off in a way. I mean, I didn’t have a crush on her but she and I vibed fairly well. Again, I don’t remember much else or how it ended. I woke up 4 hours after my first dream and just sat in bed, my heart still all pitter-patter because, gosh, I had the biggest crush on this ex-coworker. Like, I’ve never found someone as attractive as him and it hurt my heart to know that he’s actually married in the real world. I mean, good for them… but still, ya know?

Anyway, my brain has just been through too many emotions today. I think I’m going to try and relax with a hot bath and a Lisa Kleypas book. See y’all online!

New Segment! – Drama at Work #1

This is a new segment a few of my friends convinced me to start about the experiences that happen at the hotel I work at. And trust me, there will be plenty of posts. Stuff happens there at least once a week, which is how often I will be posting these.

So, warning, 90% of the experiences deal with people on drugs, the police, or angry guests that just want to use me as a verbal punching bag. And without further ado, experience number 1.

  1. I was in week number 2 of my new job at the hotel. I had an ample amount of experience from my previous job at a different hotel of the same name, so they asked me to work my second Front Desk shift by myself because of issues another coworker was dealing with. At this point in time, I was not on any medication or therapy, so my anxiety was top level. I’d never worked a 3-11pm shift before and all I could think about was making it to 11pm. My boss told me to call them if anything goes on, so that coupled with some stress relief tea helped just enough to hide my anxiety from the others. This did not last long as within 1 hour of my shift, a woman was at the desk asking me to call the police because someone in the hotel had stolen her car and stolen over a grand from her. I panicked and I think she could tell because she ended up calling the police and I just awkwardly watched them handle the situation. The Housekeeping Supervisor was there with me until things seemed like they were settling down. I have a feeling she could sense my anxiety. She’s a mother so I think her instincts kicked in and she wanted to make sure I was okay. She’s done this multiple times for me. I see her as a young mother figure, sometimes. Anyway, the woman did eventually get her car back and the police had to arrest the other woman who was staying with us and had looted from the poor girl I mentioned earlier. What’s worse is that the woman was arrested in front of her baby and her husband (I think he’s her husband). My boss felt bad for the kid so she told the dad he could stay the other night he had paid for but he had to get out after that. You know what’s bad? I’ll tell you, now, this is not the last you’ll hear of this thief, either.

Politics and Coronavirus

Has anyone else run across people telling others something along the lines of, “I think the Coronavirus is over exaggerated. Watch, it’ll be gone by the time elections roll around.”

I had a guy tell me that once while I was in an elevator and it took a lot to just laugh in response. In truth, I was laughing at him. I’ve met people like him and I’m sure y’all have, too. No matter how many facts and numbers you throw at them, they will only believe what they want to believe. The thing is, election time is here and it doesn’t look like COVID is stopping anytime soon. I’m sure it’ll last into next year at this rate. So, what are those people that don’t believe COVID is a big deal thinking right now?

Becoming my dad

The other day my older brother and I were on the phone talking about issues we were having at our workplaces. The both of us are well liked and responsible and this is mainly because we do what has to be done but we will kiss butt if we need to. The thing is, we both admitted to wishing our personalities were more like our dads because he just didn’t give a fork. Sure, dad could be caring and funny because he was actually a people-person but he still maintained a heavy “idgaf” mentality. I really couldn’t tell you if he developed this personality or if he’s always had it because I keep hearing that he rarely gave a crap when he was younger but he could have developed it after he was kidnapped and almost killed, resulting in him realizing how unforgivably short life is. Or maybe it’s both. Either way, you get my point. Er, our point. The both of us want to become the type of person our father was because life would be so much easier. People wouldn’t influence us as much they do right now and we could start making more of our own decisions. I’m proud of my older brother because he is definitely more on his way than I am but I know I will get there.

The thing is, there are times where I feel that I am being more challenged than him. I don’t know if it’s because I’m younger and maybe he had the same issues at my age or what, but I’m feeling so frustrated at times. Maybe it’s because the people in the city I live in are just so nuts. Sometimes I wonder if I come off as angry more so than confident in my decisions. An example would be of yesterday when a guest was scouting out our closed off pool area. I watched him until he walked up to the side and started pulling a chair up to take and I rushed outside, angry that he was thinking this was okay, and yelled, “Can I help you?” The man looked up all startled and I told myself I could have come across a little less angry but at the same time, what else should I have done? If i just walked out and asked in a not so serious tone, he could have just continued taking the chair and ran off because he was in a faster situation than I was. I feel like I’m in a precarious situation where I need to draw the line between confident and angry. There are times when I can yell, but I need to be professional at work. I can be confident and get the job done the same way. Sometimes, I wonder if I have anger issues or if maybe I just never used my anger enough to draw my line.

Now, speaking of my older brother, I also have a twin brother who is 1 minute older than me. He has definitely mastered the “idgaf” vibe. In fact, he has pretty much turned into dad. He loves his computer, he’s lanky like dad was, he laughs similar to dad (except more high pitched), he likes history on war like dad, etc. I could keep going. It’s so interesting to watch my twins growth and he’s taken an extra step today! I’ll keep this short since this isn’t the topic of my post but everyone cheer because he’s finally getting mental help! He called the doctor today and has another appointment in a few weeks. I can’t wait to watch his progress!

Coworker Appreciation Post!!

So, the other day I was working the front desk and 3 people came in to check in. The thing is, none of them had a good grasp on English and I don’t have a good grasp on Spanish so we were at an impasse. One of my coworkers, the housekeeping supervisor, is bilingual and wasn’t coming in for another 8 minutes. Still, I tried my best to understand the woman as she knew a little bit of English. She knew enough that I had an idea of maybe what she wanted but not exactly how she wanted to go about it. I wasn’t sure if she had a reservation or if she wanted to make one. She pulled out her phone and called someone who knew a bit more English than she did but I think he didn’t quite understand what was going on to be able to help. 8 minutes later, my wonderful bilingual coworker came in and rescued the situation and we had her and her 2 friends set up in a room within 5 minutes. I have always loved hearing her speak Spanish. Her accent is just so lovely and she has such a chipper personality no matter what language she is speaking.

She’s such a wonderful coworker all around. Anytime our general manager isn’t there to be our backbone, she is always hyping me up. She tells me that I am in control and to let no one run me over because I’m here to protect everyone in the hotel. She looks out for me, as well. One day, we had some really fishy guests that were trying to get one around me but I knew not to let them faze me. Still, I could see her watching the confrontation from the end of the hallway, making sure they wouldn’t try anything irrational (spoiler, they didn’t).

One of the biggest compliments anyone can give a co-worker is this: I’d hang out with you outside of work. And I totally could hang with her, too. I can only wish the best for her!

I’m sure y’all have someone like that at work. Give them a little shout out every once in a while. Or better yet, tell it to their face. I know they’d appreciate hearing it.

10/17/20 The Support We All Need

The confidence in myself that I have been feeling this past month mirrors the confidence I develop after 3 shots of vodka. All that minus the vomiting and lack of limb control. I’m mentally stable and it’s so crazy to think I didn’t have this power before. What was stopping me from walking into a room and talking to people? What was stopping me from believing I wasn’t beautiful when I know I am. And I don’t give a fork if that makes me sound like I have an ego issue because I don’t. This is normal. Everyone should feel like they are beautiful ( you men out there, you too). I’m only 22 but I’m getting a sense that life is too short to drag your feet. You’re not going to get anywhere unless you (yeah, you. No one else) pick your feet up and start walking.

And, yes, I get that it is so hard to do that. Especially if you’re in such a crap-tastic situation. Hell, I lived in a house full of german cockroaches, fleas, holes, you name it until 3 months ago. I am still living paycheck to paycheck just like I was over 3 months ago but that’s just the next step for me. Over time, you can step your game up and I want to be someone who is here to listen to your story. I know this won’t get seen by too many people because I suck at spreading my blog to the universe but it never hurts to try. And that’s what I want everyone to learn! Your life isn’t going anywhere until you change it. And, sometimes, you just need that pat on the back or that little push from others. Some people just need a reminder that they are doing wonderful just by getting through each day! Think about it. You hate your life, yet you are continuing to make the strides to change it. You haven’t given up and that needs to be celebrated.

So, here’s to all the people who need support right now. I’m here and you’re here. Lets get through this, together. See y’all online.