Day 1 with BetterHelp

I’ve officially signed up with a counselor to take a whack at my problems. According to her bio, she focuses on both the physical and mental health of her patients. (Is that what I’d be called?)

I’ve already sent her this incredibly long and slightly detailed message of my daily life and what issues I deal with and how long I’ve dealt with them. Okay, maybe not all but we will get there.

This is my first time with a counselor so if anyone has any advice, I’d gladly take it.

Happy Easter!!

Attention Seeker~P•O•E•M

attention everyone im an attention seeker
i want your attention please
i wrote something funny
i wrote something witty
i wrote something deep
so give me your attention and tell me im right

attention everyone im an attention seeker
but only on my terms
i made a stupid joke
i had a cringey moment
i acted from my self doubt
so dont give me your attention and dont say anything

attention everyone
im going about this all wrong
and i dont know how to fix it
help me please

4-10-20

I woke up yesterday morning to my Partial Unemployment Claim money from the Department of Labor coming in. I was fairly surprised because I was warned by HR that it would possibly take close to a month to come to me. I guess partially because my bossman put things in motion fairly quickly and HR was working their butt off. I feel grateful. That, and I needed the money. I woke up this morning knowing I’d only get about $100 from this paycheck because I’d only worked 2 shifts two weeks ago. I guess I’ll be getting another $100 in another two weeks from the 2 shifts I’ll be working next weekend. I’m a bit worried they’ll scrap the Partial Unemployment Claim since I’m technically working, even if it is just 2 shifts and that’s definitely not enough for a living wage. 

Is it weird that I miss working? I had a dream I was with one of my coworkers who’s always cheerful and nice and when I woke up, I was sad I didn’t have a shift with her. I don’t even think she’s gonna be working next weekend. I miss walking in for my cleaning or breakfast shifts and knowing exactly what needs to be done immediately. Front Desk is a shift I’m mostly familiar with. I doubt I’ll run into many or maybe even any problems this next weekend. I’ll probably be hearing crickets most of the day. I think I’ll just struggle with trying to find something to do. I wonder if they’d care if I got all my stuff done and get on my blog, ha!

On a side note, is anyone else getting tired of any time you cough and someone even jokingly starts saying “Oh no, Coronavirus” because it used to be a silly joke to me but is now just getting annoying. I know it’s not something that should be joked about but I kinda don’t care. Like, I do. But also, I just wanna laugh, so fight me. 

I need to go to the store, today. I shouldn’t and should have my items delivered but (and this is gonna be a bit TMI) our toilet clogged and has been clogged for about a week now. I tried plunging, Drain-o, and a small, 2-foot plastic snake but none of that has work. Our bathroom is smelling like a literal outhouse. It’s starting to leak into the room (the smell) and waking up to that is not wonderful. I can’t hold out much longer. I, also, need to get a few things for my animals. Technically, if the virus wasn’t going around, today would be my usual grocery shopping trip. Although I still have a good bit of cheap food. My main focus is the toilet snake and my animal’s food and supplements. 

Alright, I need to go get ready. I want to get the day over with. I hope everyone has a safe day!

Potential

I’ve thought about this relationship and how much potential it carries.

Isn’t that such a nice word? Potential.

I’ve never had a relationship with potential before. It’s so exciting that it’s scary. I know that sounds weird but that’s the best way I can describe it. I’m fascinated at how thoroughly changed I have become. I’m not there, yet. I’m getting there though. I think about marriage and what it’ll be like but not quite how to go about it. I’m getting an idea of how you are in the house and what you prefer and I’m slowly getting an idea of how I like to be in your apartment. My house is a goner and isn’t worth putting repairs into but I still try to keep it clean, so I’m not sure how I’d be in a home I’d feel worthy of putting my time into. That’ll be a fascinating experience. 

I’ve thought about a marriage, like I mentioned earlier. I have always struggled with attention and in every movie with a wedding, the guests turn to the bride during her walk down the isle and my gut wrenches at the thought of that ever being me. I like the idea of standing across from you but not so many eyes being on us. I don’t like unwanted attention. It makes my cheeks flush and people will, no doubt, point it out as if I don’t feel an extra 10 degrees prickling underneath my skin. I should get over it, though. It would be a wedding, so people are gonna stare. Duh. Oh, I sound like Billie Eillish. It’d be cool to have her at my wedding. Nah, then she’d get upset over unwanted attention. I’ve always been a bit interested in her fashion sense. 

I’m getting off topic. Or onto another one. Babies. Kids. Teenagers. Young adults. Easy to take care of on the Sims. Difficult and expensive in real life. However, working with them has given me a real appreciation and understanding for parents who raise their kids. And also, there is a small part of me that wants them. Hell, I’ve glorified the idea enough that my maladaptive daydreams are filled with characters getting married and having kids. It’s my outlet so I don’t jump onto the topic myself. I don’t mind thinking about it but I can’t bring myself to start the conversation in real life. 9 months is too early in the relationship to me. 

Year 1 is the Are We A Good Fit stage. Year 2 is a bigger trial on more than just love. You can’t fix all the problems you go through with love. There has to be some sort of understanding, talking, boundaries, etc. No cold shoulders. No blaming and over-defensiveness. Real talk. Work. Think to yourself, ‘Is this worth it to put time and effort?’ That’s always an important question because no one wants to find themselves 3 years in and just putting love into an equation meant for trust and understanding. 

I don’t know who wrote the quote but I heard it on a CYN music video and their words always echo in my head when I face a problem while dating: “Love requires you to meet the challenge of dealing with another human being.” I think this quote should stick with everyone. The quote’s whole is true. I never understood what it meant until there were times that I had to sacrifice my solitary personality because I wanted to learn and be with my S.O. I’ve pushed my solitary behavior away because I don’t want to enjoy it anymore. I want to enjoy the thought of simply sitting next to him. And I do.

I enjoy our Kroger trips a lot. Or really any shopping trip. I’m not sure why, I just get a kick out of watching him shop and make food puns. I think about shopping for us as one day we may live together. And… to a degree… I like the attention we may get from people as they identify us as a couple. I think that’s different from the eyes of wedding guests. You don’t know 99% of the strangers that take a glance at the two of you walking down the aisle before looking back down at the 5 for $5 deal going on in the meat section.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I think all these things is just because he’s my longest relationship and then I worry that might be true. I wonder if others have these thoughts and I don’t like them. I want to believe this has potential. Because it does. It only doesn’t if one of us stops believing we don’t have potential. I can’t put a Happily Ever After spin on this. Real life doesn’t work that way. So, until one of us stops believing in our relationship’s potential, I believe we can make it through and achieve the goals we set. 

4-7-20

I haven’t bothered to start counting and I still won’t. I can’t tell you how long I’ve been in quarantine. Okay, so this is a lie. I could totally tell you and I probably will. I think I stopped working on the 28th or 21st of March. I’m pretty sure it has been since the 21st. I guess I have to admit that I’m not really staying home either. I know, I know, shoot me… Please.

I’ve been going to the store, rarely, and to my older brother and sister in laws house to hang out with the nephew. I think I’ll stop after this time. The main reasons I showed up are as followed: 1) Terminix was scheduled to flea bomb the trailer today so I was planning to take my pets and brother to their house (they didn’t and changed the date without alerting me, shame on them) and 2) it is my nephew’s second birthday so I figured I’d celebrate it with him. 

Speaking of nephew, he’s chilling next to me right now… Oh wait, he just slid off the couch to hang with Uncle Tristan. It’s nice to see that he loves him, despite the little effort Tristan puts into loving him back. Lately, I’ve been wondering how Tristan would be acting right now if he had been pushed into integrating into society instead of sitting at home and playing video games all day like he does now. I’m somewhat happy he is gonna get money from the stimulus check because that means he gets to pay for next months bills and 6 months’ worth of car insurance and he can afford Dr. Sarah Covington’s services. She’s the doctor my older brother and his wife go to for their mental health medication. She’s definitely going to notice this whole family is fucked up. Brendan, my older brother, has already given her the rundown of the family’s history with medication. She spoke with him about family genetics and how she wished medicine for anxiety and depression and what not was more available back in the 50s. 

The idea that Tris, my twin brother, and I could finally get onto some medication makes my stomach untighten.

—-

And it has just re-tightened. My boss told me he has me scheduled for 2 front desk shifts for next weekend. I asked him if we have gotten any busier but I’m really doubting it. Especially since Alabama now has the stay at home order going on. It’s not that I hate front desk shifts. It’s more that I get anxious I won’t be able to answer someone’s question or I’ll be too slow, or I’ll mess something up and they’ll put a bad review and the rule with the hotel is bad review= write up. Even if you couldn’t have really fixed the situation or nothing was ever your fault, it’s still a write up. This is all because we’ve had bad reviews on front desk enough that I guess they assumed threatening us was how they would attempt to solve that problem. It’s not. With my anxiety, it’s become more of a problem. 

My boss told me the reason I got these shifts wasn’t because we are getting more rooms (it’s probably the complete opposite) but because a coworker gave up 2 days for me. I know it’s the usual weekend front desk coworker. I appreciate it, too. 16 hours will be nice. Plus, it’ll be the usual slow weekend so it’ll be easy. 

These are things I’m trying to tell myself so I won’t worry as much. My only real issue is wondering if I’ll still get Partial Unemployment since I’ll be working. 

Anyway, let me get back to my family so they won’t think I’m a complete butthole for choosing NOW to type a journal update. 

The forking path

I’ve always had this forked path in my head about my nephew. In one direction, I’m alive and giving him advice and helping to be a person he can open up to considering I know our family’s vast mental health problems. However, the other path is from other members of the family telling my nephew about me in past tense.

I try not to focus on that path very much because I know why I think it. Sometimes, I worry that my mental health will decline and instead of getting help, I’ll feel worthless and ride the boat to Hades.

Sometimes, I worry that pictures of me will be the only way he knows what I look like. The videos I’ve taken of him or the ones taken of me are the only way he knows how I sound. Or the tales told of me are his view into my psyche.

I wrote 2 poems while inebriated○●○●

2020
The world is in a fucking blur
But it also feels like it’s so slow.
Then I go through moments
Where I realize
The time and memory I just lost.

Followers
Do you think I should follow her back?
Or what about him?
Will others follow Me back?
Do I deserve this follow?

Should I make this post?
Should I write a reply?

Oh we’re getting a comment.
Is it really just spam?
Maybe we can try again later,
In another year.

Should I really put money into this?
Is it worth it?
Oh well, only time will tell.
But I hope things turn out well.

Now, I can’t quite comprehend the exactness of how I felt while intoxicated but I know what I was talking about. I had to do a little editing and slight deciphering in the morning since drunk me isn’t the most fluent but I still felt what I said, especially about the blog. Followers is a poem about my experience with blogging and how I don’t know if I’m going about it in the right way or if writing is even my thing. 2020 is short but to the point, I guess. I’ve only been at home for 4 days but this is exactly how I feel. I guess I should write more when I’m drunk.

Good things from ‘Rona

There’s only one good thing that’s come out of this virus- at least, personally for me.

That one thing is that I haven’t thought about my past issues in some time. Okay, saying this is because of the pandemic is a bit of a stretch but it’s… helped. Eh.

What I mean is that, roughly 5-6 months ago, I was thinking about the decisions I’d made in the past, the people I used to be friends with, the mistakes I’ve made and I used to put all of those thoughts on this repeating track that was reminding me every time I had a spare second that I wasn’t perfect.

Well guess what? I don’t fucking care about that anymore. (Excuse the language. I’m feeling rather free tonight). It’s just, I’ve noticed that ever since I had so much shit to deal with in 2016, I’ve been holding it all together like a child trying to show all their toys the same affection. I’ve given it my time of day and once I really started focusing on the real things happening around me which includes new things at work and, now, the virus, my brain just, sort of, pushed all those thoughts to the backroom and, even now, I don’t really care to think about them. I’ve got all this time to mope and I don’t want to. I want to deal with this whole Maladaptive Daydreaming thing, get on some medicine, and cheer at the fact that I have a relationship that’s 9 months and still going strong.

————-

Okay, sorry just got back from pillaging my old room so I could find my dad’s old love letters to mom. I need the info he slips into each letter for the book and it’s about to feel like homework taking notes from each letter. Except, this will be kinda fun and a little gross cuz dad talked about having sex in a few of them. No details, but just the mention alone is enough for me to put them down. Then again, I really don’t have much shame left ever since I “hacked” his email and found all those lude photos dad took of his friends during our house painting party. AKA The Paint Party. Should I add that into the book or is that too much? Maybe I’ll sprinkle some hints in and just hope whoever’s editing doesn’t ask for proof.

Okay, I guess I could say this whole Corona thing does have another perk about it. I have all the time in the world to write this darn book. I want to finish it but I don’t even have a clue about all the details. So, this is where I can do my thinking. I’ve got the outline, some of the big plot points, memories about him, photos for proof of his extreme measure to seem badass, you name it. I just need to unscramble my brain and JUST DO IT!

3-29-20

It still feels weird to be off on a weekend. It shook me up so much that I went to check the mail because I was running out of new types of fish to catch on Animal Crossing (New Leaf, I don’t have a Switch). Right when I opened the mailbox, I thought It’s empty. What day is it? And then I realized it’s Sunday. I’m getting antsy already. I feel like I should have worked today, not that I really could have. We’re supposed to be so few in rooms this new week that none of the managers could make an actual schedule outside of front desk. Bossman told me he’d call if he could get me some hours but I’m not holding anything out. I know I’ll get a little money from this next paycheck but not much. Thing is, if all goes the way it should, all the employees that signed for the unemployment sheet should be getting a little something by next paycheck.

Geez, it feels so weird to be worrying about money again. I thought I was passed this point. Thanks ‘rona. I mean really, though. This virus has flipped this whole world upside down. If someone had told me a year ago that a virus would be holding 2020 by the balls, I would have probably just shrugged it off and not let the realness sink in… Oops. I guess, right now my money situation isn’t bad and I did a little future calculating for what little money I’m bound to get from this next paycheck and I’ll have the money to, hopefully, hold out until I can either get unemployment or that stimulus check. I’m just trying to keep my fingers crossed.

I’ve got things to keep me busy, as well. Firstly, I need to work more on Dad’s book. Second, I’ve got a whole stack of books by my bed that could be read. Hell, I still haven’t caught all the fish, bugs, or diving creatures on my Animal Crossing (once again, New Leaf) game and I could always give my Sims 4 family another try. Thing is, I just don’t want to do a lot of those things. I’ve been getting that same feeling I got when I had 3 days off from work and by the third day I was bored and actually wanted to go back to work. I’m trying to keep my mind off work and I even put together a nice to-do list to keep myself busy for this week. This is one of the few times I’ve been grateful for living so far out from everything because I’ve got all these woods around me that I can walk when I get too stir crazy. I can visit a few of my family members, as well.

I just need to pump myself up. Act like this is a normal day off. Good luck to everyone else.

Here’s a piece from my dad’s old blog~

I’m trying to work on this darn book and it’s driving me insane not having internet. I want to research and find this book my dad wrote and supposedly published if my memory serves correctly. This would be such a wonderful time to have internet considering I can’t really go anywhere. I’m gonna try my best to keep at it. In the meantime, check out this silly post my dad made on his blog back from 1996. He created a website for my twin brother and I while we grew in our mom’s tummy. It was a funny little website and I found some comfort in reading it. The website is no longer available but I still have downloads to look at.

The context of this is that he took mom to the hospital for excessive vomiting and while in the waiting room, this occurred: