Being in this relationship can be confusing

There are so many times when I think about the relationship I’m in being a bit much for me. I feel expected to want to be around my boyfriend all the time and any time we are alone, I become anxious because I know he’s thinking about sex. We’ve done it a couple times but I don’t get a lot out of it and after it I just feel awkward. Sometimes I’ll tell him I just don’t want to be touched and, for the most part, he’ll respect that. One of the times I told it, I was in pain from my period and he’d ask how I was feeling and give me a hug every once in a while which was nice but not what I’d wanted to begin with.

I get that lust is fairly normal for people but it’s so uncool when you don’t feel like being objectified and then someone comes along and talks about your butt. Woohoo… I have a butt. Okay.

Of course, there are other times when I do miss him and want to cuddle up to him. I’ll even want sex but I’ve noticed those times are whenever he isn’t around or when I’m drunk (sometimes both). I don’t like that I usually want these things when he isn’t around. It feels unfair to the both of us.

I apologize for the silence, so I’m gonna break it.

For some reason, this shitty thought floated through my head some hours ago. I was laying on my boyfriend’s lap while we watched Castlevania and a thought just… drifted into my head. I was feeling weary and my brain just says, “This would be a good time in your life if you died.” A vacant feeling settled in almost the entire time I was there with him. I don’t understand where this came from and there’s a bit of it still lingering in me as I’m sitting at home, now.

What’s happening to me?

I can, somewhat, answer that but not completely.

I have a tendency to plan as much as I can in my life. I feel less anxious with a plan in hand. And because of this, I’ve been feeling very upset that my latest plan isn’t going into action.

To start with, let me give you some background info on what’s happening. So, I’ve always lived in a very wooded area where I don’t get the best internet, I rarely get phone calls and when I do get them, I have to stand outside or by a specific window, and the worst of it all, you can’t get delivery out here! I’m just kidding (I’m not), it’s that it takes me over 30 minutes just to get to work everyday. I have to save almost $100 each paycheck just for gas. I’m not kidding! So, obviously, I want to move. My roommate and I both do and before she moved into this shitty trailer that literally has fucking mold on the ceiling, we were looking at apartments to rent. Then she lost her job and I quit mine only to realize I wasn’t going to school. How amazing am I at planning my own life, right? Anyway, I also have a twin brother who does absolutely nothing with his life. I kid you not, he lives in his room and only comes out to use the restroom and get a PB&J sandwich. He used to have a job but he stopped showing up for it and he has been asking for money a lot recently. I’m finally so done with it that I’ve let him know that if he can’t get his act together, then he is just going to be living with no power, water, or WiFi after Nickie G and I inevitably move out. It’s so sad and infuriating to me that he’s basically just been taking from my family and I. My mom and step dad bought all his medication and paid for his doctor’s visits cuz he has anxiety like the rest of the family and IBS, my brother has tried helping him find jobs, and I’ve been paying for some of his bills and giving him money whenever he needs it. We’re all done, though. The thing was, he seemed like he was making progress on Monday. I offered him $20 for gas money and some food money and said he NEEDED TO USE IT TO GET A JOB! And he agreed, took it, and came back a few hours later with just food and no job. He told me the same place he worked at before wouldn’t hire him cuz his license is expired. Which is a weird thing on it’s own cuz he’s only had his license for 2 years and according to the DMV they are good for 4 years. I let him know all he had to do was call up the DMV and fix that mistake. However, he has, yet to do that. Wanna know how I know that? Because his phone has been off for a few months so anytime he needed to make a phone call, he used my phone. He hasn’t asked for it, yet and is still just chilling in his room playing more video games. So, this was it. This was my last chance to hope that he’d turn around and we could start splitting the bills 3 ways. Tomorrow, our WiFi is going to be turned off because I refuse to pay another month just for him to sit around and do nothing all day. I’ll be using Books-A-Millions WiFi until Nickie G and I come across something else.

Anyway, enough backstory. My plan to get the three of us into a new apartment after my brother and roommate would inevitably get a job has failed and I was left without a plan. I’m, once again, the only one with a job and if no one gets a fire under their butts then I’m gonna be left paying the bills by myself, again which has put me in a bad mental state. That is until just an hour or so ago. I’m currently formulating another one but that’s for another paragraph. So, after my brother told me he didn’t get a job, I about blew up on him. My perfect plan of the three of us having jobs and having a nice apartment near said jobs wasn’t rolling into place! How was I supposed to get out of this shit pit that I’ve had to call home for just about my entire life? I’m tired of living with fleas, mold, holes in the floor and wall, rats, neighbors that asked for too much, etc. I literally almost started crying over this. I’m tired of living in a place that isn’t structurally sound and sucks the life out of everyone that lives here!

But then, I just learned that Nickie G is about to have cell phone service again which means a few things: She will be able to start looking for jobs again, she can get back to doing DoorDash for some extra $$$, and we can start (possibly) looking for a new place to live where it’s the two of us and not three. So, the plans in my head are starting to roll again and I’m left feeling a lot less attacked by the lack of emotion on my brother’s face whenever I tell him he needs to find a job and help out more. I’m absolutely done with him and his bull shirt (Ha ha, The Good Place) and I can’t wait to move away from him.

So, thank you for reading this far into my new update on life and I promise I have more to come. Once again, I apologize for the silence as I have not been in a good mental place to write but I do have more to update on. Until then, I hope everyone is having a better day than me!

Would you guys and gals like to hear an EVP?

A little backstory to this post: Back around 2010, I was church hopping with my mom and some friends. We were following a pastor and his wife as they struggled to find a good church. At the time, we were at this church off of Highway 280 in Alabama and I can’t remember who told me, but someone had said that the church was known for being haunted. At the age that I was, 12-ish, I was very interested in the idea of ghost hunting. It didn’t help that my dad and I used to binge a lot episodes of Ghost Hunters (#Tango4Life). I had one of those shitty slide phones that took me 15 minutes just to type out a sentence but it still had audio recording. It only recorded 60 seconds at a time but I still went with it and recorded as much as I could throughout the time at the church. I got something strange within one of the first recordings.

This was recorded in the downstairs area while I was sitting in with a handful of other kids and a woman while she was leading Sunday school. A few seconds in, you can hear a bit of shouting between the kids and then something very deep sounds as though it might be saying “hush.”

P.S. The clicking sounds on the audio are from my laptop. I didn’t have a USB cable, so I just had to record the audio on my laptop from my phone. Sorry for the shittiness.

After I listened to the audio, I sent it to the pastor who let me know that he was doing another blessing which kind of caught me off guard. Apparently, they had to do a blessing before that I guess didn’t work. I remember a few other odd things happening like doors opening and closing and the rocking chair in the children’s room slightly rocking. It was weird and now that I’m older, I try to find explanations for “ghost videos” so I’m curious to know if anyone has a legitimate explanation. I tried to think it was someone in the room but no one had a deep voice, that I could remember.

Sorry for not posting for a while. I’ve been dealing with writer’s block and then I got sick, gross.

There are good people, and then there’s me.

For starters, I’m not saying I’m a bad person, I’m just not that good either. So, two things have caused me to really reflect on my behavior and morals. The first was this TV show I’m watching called The Good Place on Netflix, although now that I’m on season 2 I’m not so worried. The second one is just being around my boyfriend, in general. I’ve already said that he’s a gentlemen but, like, he’s so much more. All the other gentlemen out there would quiver under his shadow and he probably doesn’t think that. He’s so kind and just genuinely wants to help everyone. I’d always wondered if he was always like that and when I met his parents, I realized he’d learned it from them. Even though his parents could jokingly pick at him like most do, they’d still stop and ask with utmost respect to “Please open that door for me,” like they were using manners out at a restaurant. My family woulda just nudged their head to the door and I woulda just opened it. Simple as that. But no, he’s hella nice cuz he accepted those teachings from his parents instead of just throwing them out the window and even now that he’s older and he knows he doesn’t have to be so nice, he still chooses to do everything he can to help everyone.

How is it that someone as nice as him, is with someone as cynical as me? Okay, I’m not that bad, but still.

Back from Atlanta Pride Parade

Hey all, I just woke up from a nap about 2 hours ago and am finally settling down to type about the Atlanta Pride Parade! I’m incredibly sore from all the dancing and I, now, know that 3 vodka shots (with lime) on a mostly empty stomach will kill any movement for me in the morning after but boy! But Boy! That shit will get me dancing for three hours straight in a hot and steamy nightclub and I still won’t want to stop!

So, let’s get into day 1 which was Friday October 11. I woke up, packed the rest of my belongings for the trip, and headed out to see my boyfriend and friends. I learned that we’d be going in two seperate cars a few days prior, so I wasn’t really too surprised when I got to my SO’s house and learned that Q, the other driver, was off running a few last minute errands so it was just going to be boo and I. That was fine with me, so we headed out and while on the road, he introduced me to this podcast called The Adventure Zone which he doesn’t know but I am slowly becoming obsessed with. It’s a DnD podcast and no, I am not into playing that. However, I learned that listening to others having fun and playing it is a whole other ball park. As of right now, I’m re-downloading Spotify to listen to the remaining parts. Also, I told him about the game my family played whenever we were on the interstate. It’s where you look at license plates and write down each different state you see. I’m pretty sure most families play this game and even he’d said he’d played it before. We played this game throughout the entire weekend since Atlanta is a huge place and it even has an international airport. I’ll post our final results at the end. So, after a handful of hours on the road, we made it to the apartment we rented for the weekend, beating the other car which had our three other friends in it. I started watching this TV show on Netflix called “The Good Place” while my boyfriend grabbed things from the car and took a stroll around the area to learn it better. I expected to help him but he kinda just took off like it was his job. He was raised like that so I wasn’t too surprised. He asked me to look for some places to eat and I planned to walk around but couldn’t since he’d taken the only key. (BTW what place gives you only a single key? There were 2 bedrooms and 4 of us!) Regardless, when he came back, the other three trailed in behind him! We took lots of pictures and explored for a while before heading out to Battle and Brew! Now, that place is pretty great and the service is amazing! You pretty much just play on whatever system they have and drink and eat! They also had a Tardis as the restrooms. (According to one of my male friends, the mens room had a sticky floor, so ew). I got this ale, alcoholic drink that I can only remember as the drink I couldn’t pronounce but it was a pickle juice lovers dream! We finally made it back and went to bed since we needed to be up early for breakfast. (My boyfriend and his roommate, Q, know how to throwdown when it comes to cooking. I’m insecure about my cooking skills but it’s hard to focus on that when they keep cooking amazing tasting food.

So, Day 2. Woke up, showered, dressed, and we all headed out for breakfast. Boo and Q hadn’t been able to go out and buy ingredients for food since we got home so late which was fine because after long deliberation, we chose to eat at Cracker Barrel. Breakfast was great! Service was A+ and I had a to-go box with me, as usual. I almost never finish my food. It’s usually to avoid that stomach ache of being too full. It just makes me feel so sick, blah. Afterwards, we Uber-ed or Lyft-ed (I don’t remember which one) to Piedmont Park and shopped at vendors and met up with more friends. After many hours of walking and being around half naked to mostly naked people, the main event finally came around. Most people stayed to hear Ke$ha play live and there she was. She sang amazingly and pep talked all of us to be who we are and to “do whatever the fuck you want, tonight.” We couldn’t stay for the whole performance and headed back to the apartment where a few of us decided to keep the night going and we went out to a couple bars. I found out that if I drink 3 shots of vodka, I can dance, probably, until dawn but in this case I just danced until close to 3am.

I regretted this on Day 3. Holy shit, I was hungover. I mean, it wasn’t my worst hangover, but it was a pretty bad one. I’d rate it a 3 out of all 3 of the hangovers I’ve had so far. I threw up once after my boyfriend gave me some nice ice cold water which I could really go for right now but I’m too lazy to check and see if we even have any ice. UPDATE: We do have ice! Regardless, I forced myself to shower, shave, and pack since we had to be out of there by 11am. We went to see the parade where I about died laughing because of the funny Donald Trump in handcuffs ride, got completely soaked in the rain, and got my steps in trying to find another friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in a while. After the parade, we ate at a Mexican restaurant and made our way back to our shitty state. I had work in the morning, so I was home by 8pm and by that point, I was too tired to stay up long. Whoopee to getting up at 3am,

Honestly, I’d post pictures but then I reminded myself that most of my friends don’t know about this blog because, for some reason, I just keep refraining from telling them. It’s mainly because this is kinda turned into a bit of a diary for me and sometimes I just need a small corner of the internet to rant my problems and such. Plus, I am still pretty insecure about my writing even though I want to go into that profession. Instead, you can read the list of states we found in Atlanta!

  1. Alabama
  2. Mississippi
  3. Florida
  4. Georgia
  5. Tennessee
  6. Louisiana
  7. South Carolina
  8. Texas
  9. Indiana
  10. Pennsylvania
  11. New Jersey
  12. Illinois
  13. Colorado
  14. Pure Michigan
  15. Ohio
  16. North Carolina
  17. Kentucky
  18. Missouri
  19. New York
  20. Washington
  21. Virginia
  22. Arkansas
  23. Delaware
  24. Maine
  25. Maryland
  26. West Virginia
  27. California
  28. Nebraska
  29. Alaska
  30. Oklahoma
  31. Iowa

I’ve got an Associates to nothing, She’s pregnant, and He’s unemployed

Let me give a little backdrop to this scene. So, I graduated class of 2016. At the time, I was planning to attend a community college, get the Associates that I, now, have and jump right into a big and scary university to pursue a degree in Elementary Education. I went right up to the line, signing up for education classes at the university and was about a week away from having to pay for them and another week away from starting the first semester.

Long story short, no one seems to be in the exact spot they envisioned they’d be a little over three years ago. I guess I can’t say that and be 100% about it, as I only know like maybe 10 out of the, what, 76 other people I graduated with.

I just had a conversation with one of my best friends that a mutual friend of ours is pregnant with her third child and life seems to be going alright with her. Another person I graduated with is currently playing video games at almost midnight when he has a job interview tomorrow. I’m kidding, I think. He’s my twin brother, by the way. I was recently told that another person I graduated with has gotten married and about a year ago, some high school sweethearts also tied the knot. I’d always hoped they’d get married.

My former classmates are doing things I didn’t expect them to do. Imma be honest, I didn’t have high hopes for some of them and even less of those classmates are proving me right. However, the night is still young. I can’t say that the direction we are all headed in right now is going to be the direction that we head in forever. In fact, I expect things will change once again. Our high school reunion isn’t until 2026, so we’ve all got time.

Until then, I’m going to panic about my own lack of planning and hope that I’ll eventually accept the fact that I’m not going in the direction I’d initially expected. For now, my Associates in Science is just going to collect dust, along with my high school diploma.

Cruddy college memories- Part 3

I’m continuing this series with a final assemblance of cruddy college memories about being made uncomfortable and ending shitty relationships.

To start off, I had a guy ask for my number when I worked at McDonalds and after, maybe, our 3rd phone call, he started asking me questions about having children with me and when I told him to stop and leave me alone, he proceeded to call me off of other people’s phones. He called me off and on throughout my first semester until a friend helped get him to stop. I wished I’d had an iPhone at the time since Androids don’t let you block numbers from reaching you, completely, without going through your provider. I figured it was easier to just press ignore than deal with people I couldn’t understand over phone.

My next experience was when I was talking to a guy in my new college friend group and after spending the night with him because it had gotten really late, he had tried to feel me up and when I told him no, he started crying and I left. An awkward experience to say the least. I’d barely known the guy, too, so everything was like 10x more awkward.

Not long after that, I met a guy I fell head over heels for and we started up a really, really rocky relationship. It didn’t last long due to mental health reasons but I learned his best friend liked me and they started fighting over me, literally treating me like property by my ex saying he felt he would be mentally ready to date me by the end of the month so his friend couldn’t date me after that point (It’s a confusing and long story). It was horrible and something that really damaged my boundaries. An example of this being that my ex and his friend used to poke at me because they thought the noises I made were funny/cute, or they’d just be overly touchy feely- which I could too, so it was justified- and after our big blowout, I hated any physical contact with them. My ex’s friend moved but he and I still talk on occasion as we’ve been trying to repair what little friendship we have. One of the last times we’d hung out, he asked if I wanted to go out to eat and while we were waiting for a table, he poked at my side to make me yell. I just looked at him and in a dead serious tone, told him to stop. I’d had to ask him to stop a few times before because I no longer felt comfortable but he’d really crossed a line after some point. However, my ex’s response to this was just to laugh which just made me angry. He still thought I was joking, I guess. How? I have no idea. We haven’t hung out much since then and I’ve grown to a point that I think I’d just walk away from him if he tried to touch me, again.

I’ll try and make this next one short because, wow, that last paragraph was a read. My english teacher would be proud. So, I had two other encounters with guys, I didn’t really know all that well, hitting on me while I was in the cafeteria at college. The first one happened at the end of my freshman year, after that whole blowout with my ex and his friend. A guy came up to me while I was by myself and told me how he’d watched me and my friends and wanted to talk to me but I was never by myself. He basically threw himself a pity party that no girl would like him and that he wished a girl like me would date him and I just awkwardly declined him. After that, I waited till he left and packed my shit and hauled ass to the parking lot.

The other guy I had hitting on me got weirdly attached to me my last three semesters of community college. It was super awkward because he made it his mission, every time he saw me, to get me to say hi to him. I mean, he followed me around the cafeteria, one time, because I’d ignored his hello. At first, he was okay, but Monroe and I were having a conversation about how annoying our cats could be when he interrupted us to talk about how he wanted to throw his cat because it annoyed him so much. I think he meant it as a joke but how can you not get creeped out by a guy randomly inserting himself into your conversation to tell you he wanted to throw his cat out of annoyance. The top three worst experiences I had with him had to be: 1) he randomly hugged me from behind one day, which I put a stop to really quickly, 2) he got upset when I blocked him on Instagram, 3) he saw me walking around the track on campus and turned his car around to follow me for a few seconds while he tried shouting at me (there’s a slope that distances the track from the parking lot) and didn’t leave until he realized I was ignoring him. Thank god I don’t see him anymore.

Another failed relationship I had lasted, roughly, a month where I dated a guy who kept getting a bit handsy (i.e. squeezing/smacking my butt) but would deny any sexuality in it. Even after I told him to stop he just got defensive and wanted to know “if something happened” to me for me to act this way. Apparently, I’m not allowed to like being touched in certain areas at the beginning of a new relationship, I guess.

A third failed relationship, my last one before my current one, lasted a little bit longer but ended for, roughly, the same reasons. Can you see a pattern here cuz I can. Basically, he was worse because on our third date we went swimming and he told me a few things that made me highly uncomfortable: 1) “I wish you’d worn a bikini”, 2) “I can see the outline of your boobs”, and lets not forget this gem, 3) “Are you on birth control?” I had actually ignored my discomfort up until he was kissing me and when I went to pull away (because I still don’t like kissing due to being made fun of during the blowout with the ex and his friend) and instead of letting me pull away, he just placed his hand behind my head and pushed me to him. Red flags my boi. Red flags.

And, now, we are to my current relationship which has had a few moments where I’ve been uncomfortable and I’m still learning that I need to voice them immediately but it doesn’t help that with my track record, things usually end in a break up. I’m hoping he will really understand and genuinely let me take me time warming up to him. I haven’t told him any of these things because I feel like they’ve become crutches for me, sometimes. Like I’m making excuses, but I don’t know why they would be. Why would I need to have an excuse unless I just really don’t like the person? In which case, why would I, suddenly, not like my current boyfriend?

I’m still trying to figure things out, but I know the experiences I talked about have affected the way I think and feel towards intimacy and my relationship with my body. I’m curious to know if anyone reading this has dealt with the same battles and what you’re outcome to it all has been.

Until next time, peace fuckers.

Negative memories throughout middle/high school- Part 2

So, as some of you may have read in part 1, I’m doing a little series about my history with people making me uncomfortable through word or touch. In part 2, I’m going to be talking about the many times I felt uncomfortable due to hurtful comments or people invading my personal space.

In middle school, I was just starting to develop a body shape and, lets just say, it was fairly curvy. I’m not the happiest with my genes like a lot of weirdos were, but I digress. I just remember a handful of uncomfortable moments that really sent me inside my shell and I mayhaps talked about one in a post from when I was in Maine, so I’ll just do a quick recap of it to start off this post.

One of my earliest memories with feeling really uncomfortable was when a group of girls asked how I “got my breasts so big.” And after telling them it was literally just shit luck with genetics, they turned to each other and started whispering. I even remember one giving me side-eye and I just ended up walking away wishing I could have the last 5 minutes of my life back.

Another time I was uncomfortable was when a classmate made a comment that I should wear more figure flattering clothes and she added that if she were me she would have a bit of cleavage showing. Keep in mind that I was not and am still not close with any of these people so it felt more creepy and random than if it were my friends telling me.

At one point in time, I had a crush on a classmate of mine and he and I would give each other anime suggestions to watch. I had dated him back in the tyke years of third grade but young love never lasts. I had started liking him again and we would message frequently on Facebook. I really liked him up until he asked if I stuffed my bra-which was not the first time I’d ever been asked that- and when I replied with no, he deadass asked for proof. Dumbass had zero sense about him. I immediately liked him less and throughout the years of us vaguely talking, he continued to make me uncomfortable and I just unfriended him and blocked him. I’ll be honest, the reason I didn’t block him was because I enjoyed talking to him whenever it wasn’t about my body.

He wasn’t the only guy to ask for pictures in my high school career. I had a friend who also enjoyed anime and she had a younger brother who I rarely spoke to. He was the quiet and awkward type, so I figured he was okay. However, we had an online class together, for whatever reason, and I’d sat next to him cuz I barely knew anybody else. We rarely talked to each other but I still accepted his friend request on Facebook. At first, the conversation was normal, but he messaged me, one day, asking me for pictures of my breasts and I immediately got onto him about it. I talked to his sister and even moved seats to get away from him in class.

The last big thing I’ll talk about is from the time I dated a guy for less than a week in the 9th grade. I broke up with him because he was sending all the weird texts saying he “had mixed feelings and needed to think about the relationship”, less than 72 hours into it. I already knew it was a lost cause, so I broke up with him. A few years later, I think I was in the 11th grade when he tried talking to me again. At the time, I was in a place where I just really wanted to date someone, so I gave him a chance but we literally last abou 48 hours, this go round. He broke up with me out of the blue and was off chasing some other poor soul. However, the real problem came when we would see each other in a science class we had where he would frequently make comments about my figure and he probably told me I “could pass the Hooters test” at least six times throughout the semester. I ignored him until even the other classmates around me started telling him how creepy he was sounding. Sometimes it still gets to me.

So, this is it for part 2. In part 3, I’ll talk about my college years which includes several awkward relationships that I wish had never happened. I think part 3 will be the last part, but we’ll see.